Trish released me so she could reach into the minivan and hand several grocery bags to Dean. She handed the lighter ones from the mall to me and Sarah. We headed up the porch steps into the house with our arms loaded.
"What's for dinner?" Dean asked, placing the bags on the kitchen table and peeking inside. "Sweeeet, snack night," he crowed, pulling out an odd assortment of items.
"Snack night?" I asked, feeling like I was missing something.
"Mom and I like to call it 'comfort food,'" Trish said, unpacking the grocery bags. "Basically, it means junk food galore with no guilt," she said, laughing as she pointed out several gallons of ice cream, hot fudge and whipped cream.
"Comfort food sounds perfect," I said, eyeing the box of chocolate brownie mix she pulled from the bag.
Sarah laughed at my comment. "Yes, comfort food is just what you need," she said, handing several bags to me. "This should keep you clothed while we keep you kidnapped here," she said, winking at me. >"I know, son, but Madison needs you to be strong," she said, pushing him toward me.
Their exchange confused me. He was angry at someone else? Maybe he missed something in my story. Didn't he realize this was my fault?
Giving in to his mom's insistence, Dean dropped back down in the chair next to me and gently grabbed my hand.
I felt like I needed to clarify things, that I didn't deserve his kindness.
"It was my fault. I started the whole thing and then froze up. It was wrong."
"Sweetie, the only thing wrong is that he touched you in the first place. As adults, we live by a moral code. As a religious man, his moral code should have been even stronger," Sarah said, disgusted.
"But it was my fault. I seduced him. I was wearing a skimpy outfit. I was drunk. It was all my fault," I said, repeating the words Donna had thrown at me.
"He was the adult. He should have walked away," Dean said in a voice trembling with anger.
"Madison, what did he do when you wanted to stop?" Sarah finally asked.
"He said it was too late, that I asked for it. He said that a man can't stop once he starts, so I stopped trying to push him off me and I let him finish. My parents walked in as he was finishing. Jim was instantly defensive as he pulled on his clothes. He called me a slut and told them I had seduced him. I wasn't aware I was crying until my dad turned to me, looking for an explanation. In that instant, I no longer wanted their attention. My dad looked at me and at the evidence of my virginity on the couch and went ballistic. He punched Jim out. He was shaking with rage. It was awful," I whispered.
"What about your mom?" Sarah probed gently.
"She was pissed, too, but not at Jim, at me. She knew I had seduced him. She and my dad argued about it after Jim staggered out. My dad claimed it was her fault. That she'd never shown any of the motherly influence that I obviously needed. Their screaming went on all night. I eventually showered, trying to wash Jim's touch from me, but no matter how much I scrubbed, I couldn't erase the memories. Somewhere around two a.m., the thought of a possible pregnancy came up. Horrified at the idea of having a thirteen-year-old pregnant daughter, my mom drove me to the hospital and told them I had been raped. I had to go through a rape screening, fill out a report and then they gave me the day after pill. I was so relieved to take that pill. Never in all my scheming had I ever considered pregnancy. My mom sat sternly by me during it all, and on the way home, she laid down the new rules. If I was going to act like an adult, I would be treated like one. I was not allowed to call her ‘Mom’ anymore, and she would only provide my basic needs. That drive home marked the last time she and I would ever really talk again. My dad moved out the next day and I haven't seen or spoken to him since. The police went to the church and arrested Jim for statuary rape. The church was up in arms over the scandal. Some felt that Jim should have known better, but there were plenty who knew about my wild ways, and blamed me completely. It split the church down the middle, and it really never recovered. Katie spread it around school, and my fate was sealed," I finished, sinking back in my chair, weary and drained.
Dean and Sarah were silent for several minutes as they digested my story. Finally, after a few minutes, Sarah broke the silence.
"Why was your mom so mad after your trip to the hospital?" she gently probed.
"She was angry because I had forced her to turn against her beliefs. By asking the hospital for the day after pill, she was agreeing to terminate a possible pregnancy. She felt it was no different than an abortion, and she hated me for that."
"That's ridiculous, you had just turned thirteen," Sarah said, sounding agitated.
"That didn't matter. I had made adult decisions. I destroyed many lives that night, so I made it my goal to slip into the shadows, to fade away. As the year went by, everyone finally stopped noticing me and talking about me, until eventually no one acknowledged me again. Donna and I learned to coexist and life went on. The tomb-like silence in my house reminded me daily of my sins, always sitting heavily on me. I began to dream about disappearing from the Earth once and for all. That's when I met James. James had his own demons like me, although we never shared them. We learned to lean on each other without getting personal, if that makes sense. That's really where the pact came from. We would leave Earth much like we lived on it. No fuss, no muss. But Mitch's death changed everything. People who didn't even know him used his death as a platform to get attention. I didn't want that. The pact was no longer an option for me. Life seemed bleak, knowing I could no longer count on death—and then, I met Dean," I said, meeting his eyes as he laced his fingers with mine. "He changed everything."
"I didn't know," Dean said, sounding choked up.
"I know," I whispered. "I told you, you didn't need to save me, but you and Mitch did just that. But I wasn't able to save James. I left him behind," I cried as a fresh wave of tears cascaded down my cheeks.
Dean pulled me in his arms, letting me weep for my lost friend and my lost youth. Eventually, my tears did dry up. Mentally exhausted, I leaned heavily on Dean, marveling that he wasn't disgusted or horrified with my story.
My eyes felt like someone had dumped a handful of sand in them as I finally looked at Sarah.
"Sweetie, I'm sorry you've carried this around for so many years, but you need to listen to me. None of this was your fault. Do you understand me? I'm all for accountability, but where was your support system? Who is accountable for that?" she said, bending down to give me a tight hug.
I returned her hug, unsure what I had done to deserve her acceptance.
"I made the guest room up for Madison. Do you want to show her where it is?" she asked Dean.
"Yeah," he said around a yawn, helping me to my feet. "Are you going back to bed?"