Miss Me Not

"Yep, I'm ready to blow this Cracker Jack box," I joked as she placed my graduation cap on my head.

"You look so scholarly," she teased.

"Shhh, don't say that too loudly, they might take my robe back," I teased.

"Not on your life. It's a huge deal that you ended your senior year on the honor role," she chastised me.

"Too little, too late, but I'll take it," I said, smiling at her.

"You're a twit, but I love you," she said, giving me a long hug.

"I love you too," I said, blowing her kisses as I lined up with the rest of the H's in my graduating class.

Standing on tiptoes, I looked around behind me until my eyes found Dean's. "I love you," he mouthed.

"I love you too," I said out loud, making those around me laugh.

Turning back around, I didn't try to fight the wide grin that spread across my face. The amazing thing about love was that when you didn't have it, the word seemed impossible to use, but when you were surrounded by it, it was as easy to say as breathing. The last six months had been a nonstop initiation into love for me. Dean's family showered me with it, tucking me into the embrace of their family like I belonged there all along. When Donna kicked me out officially, a week after Christmas, his family gave me the option to move in with them, but my dad stepped in, asking if I would give living with him a chance. I went from thinking I had nowhere to go, to suddenly having options. I turned the Jackson family down, not wanting to ruin my relationship with Dean by moving in with him and his family. It still amazed me that they accepted me so unconditionally. By all rights, they should hate me. I had hooked and trapped their son, or maybe it was the other way around. I couldn't help thinking about my petal plucking daisy I had gotten at Mitch's funeral. My world was suddenly filled with people who were the petals of the daisy that would miss me.

The first few weeks of living with my dad were awkward, and I had found myself spending more time at Dean's house than at my dad's, but eventually we started to adjust. I think we both understood that it would come slowly. I credited a big part of it to my weekly counseling sessions with Beth.

Beth was another unexpected petal of my ‘miss me’ daisy. I had balked at the idea of going to counseling, but Sarah had eventually worn me down and I was forever grateful she did. Beth was amazing. She was tough, kind, compassionate, intuitive and the sounding board I never knew I wanted. She listened and questioned and continually reminded me that the past wasn't my fault. Together, we found long forgotten emotions I thought I had buried long ago. We flushed them out, exposing everything until it was raw, so they could heal once and for all. Beth encouraged my dad to join us for a few of my counseling sessions so he could get some insight into everything I had kept hidden for so long. Through our counseling together, I got to see the rage he still felt for what Jim had done to me, to his anguish for not being able to protect me, and finally, his shame that had kept him from reaching out to me. It was a long agonizing road at times, and we were far from normal, but we were slowly learning how to let the past go. I was slowly learning to forgive him for leaving me behind to clean up the mess.

Donna refused to attend counseling with us, which wasn't a surprise. I had accepted the fact that she would never forgive me.

The line of students slowly began to move as we walked down the middle aisle of the arena where our graduation was being held. Scanning the crowds, I found who I was looking for immediately. Sarah. She waved frantically after spotting me and blew me a kiss. She wasn't my mom, but her easy acceptance and kindness made my heart ache with love for her. Sarah had been my rock over the last six months as I learned to adjust to a life with my dad. She lent an ear when things were uncomfortable between us and gave me insight to helping the adjustment. She was never too busy for me and always found time to spend time with me. She taught me about love and gave me the confidence to share my love with Dean.

Dean. Just thinking his name made me feel all gooey and sappy. If Sarah was my rock, Dean was my foundation. His constant caring and love kept me grounded. With his help, I was able to get into the community college near UCF where he would be attending so we could be close to each other. We'd decided to spend the summer on his grandparents’ property, working together on the house he planned on restoring. Our relationship hadn't taken the intimate step yet, but I foresaw it happening soon. I knew I was ready. He evoked feelings inside me I never thought possible, and made me want more. He made me feel cherished and for that, I gave him my heart.

Glancing back up at the Jackson clan, I smiled when I saw the twins jumping up and down with excitement as Sarah pointed out my and Dean's locations to them. Sweeping my eyes past them, my eyes met my dad's as he smiled proudly at me. His girlfriend, Andrea sat by his side, also smiling at me. I liked Andrea, she was good to my dad, and that's all that mattered to me. Through our joint counseling, I had gotten a glimpse into how miserable my dad's life had been with Donna. Church at the time had been an escape for him. A place where he could ignore the bleakness of being married to a woman he didn't love. Seeing him happy now made me happy.

Mr. Wilson snagged my attention as he began his speech at the podium. My heart pinched when he announced a moment of silence for the two students we had lost that year. A picture of Mitch flashed across the screen behind him. I studied the face of the boy who had started my long journey to recovery. I owed him my life. Tears leaked down my cheeks as a picture of James filled the screen next. Not a day went by that I didn't think about him. Beth was helping me to forgive myself for letting him slip away. She and I talked about suicide a lot. She made me fill out weekly journal entries, reminding myself of everything I had to live for. She warned me that she would not let me become a statistic. I tried to tell her death was the furthest thing from my head now, but she said she'd rather be safe than sorry. For that, I loved her.

Mr. Wilson ended his speech, and before I knew it, the rows in front of me emptied one at a time as the diplomas were handed out. Rising to my feet when my row was signaled, I slowly followed the students to the far side of the stage.

Nervous energy coursed through me as the name of the girl in front of me was called, and then it was my turn.

"Madison Hanson," Mr. Wilson announced, smiling broadly at me. I returned his smile as I accepted my diploma. Maybe he wasn't a douche bag after all.

Walking off the stage, I waited on the side for Dean. My eyes met his moments before his own name was called. He winked at me and flashed a victory sign. If you can believe it, I had made it to graduation. I had survived. Death had nothing on me.

>Donna refused to attend counseling with us, which wasn't a surprise. I had accepted the fact that she would never forgive me.

The line of students slowly began to move as we walked down the middle aisle of the arena where our graduation was being held. Scanning the crowds, I found who I was looking for immediately. Sarah. She waved frantically after spotting me and blew me a kiss. She wasn't my mom, but her easy acceptance and kindness made my heart ache with love for her. Sarah had been my rock over the last six months as I learned to adjust to a life with my dad. She lent an ear when things were uncomfortable between us and gave me insight to helping the adjustment. She was never too busy for me and always found time to spend time with me. She taught me about love and gave me the confidence to share my love with Dean.

Dean. Just thinking his name made me feel all gooey and sappy. If Sarah was my rock, Dean was my foundation. His constant caring and love kept me grounded. With his help, I was able to get into the community college near UCF where he would be attending so we could be close to each other. We'd decided to spend the summer on his grandparents’ property, working together on the house he planned on restoring. Our relationship hadn't taken the intimate step yet, but I foresaw it happening soon. I knew I was ready. He evoked feelings inside me I never thought possible, and made me want more. He made me feel cherished and for that, I gave him my heart.

Glancing back up at the Jackson clan, I smiled when I saw the twins jumping up and down with excitement as Sarah pointed out my and Dean's locations to them. Sweeping my eyes past them, my eyes met my dad's as he smiled proudly at me. His girlfriend, Andrea sat by his side, also smiling at me. I liked Andrea, she was good to my dad, and that's all that mattered to me. Through our joint counseling, I had gotten a glimpse into how miserable my dad's life had been with Donna. Church at the time had been an escape for him. A place where he could ignore the bleakness of being married to a woman he didn't love. Seeing him happy now made me happy.

Mr. Wilson snagged my attention as he began his speech at the podium. My heart pinched when he announced a moment of silence for the two students we had lost that year. A picture of Mitch flashed across the screen behind him. I studied the face of the boy who had started my long journey to recovery. I owed him my life. Tears leaked down my cheeks as a picture of James filled the screen next. Not a day went by that I didn't think about him. Beth was helping me to forgive myself for letting him slip away. She and I talked about suicide a lot. She made me fill out weekly journal entries, reminding myself of everything I had to live for. She warned me that she would not let me become a statistic. I tried to tell her death was the furthest thing from my head now, but she said she'd rather be safe than sorry. For that, I loved her.

Mr. Wilson ended his speech, and before I knew it, the rows in front of me emptied one at a time as the diplomas were handed out. Rising to my feet when my row was signaled, I slowly followed the students to the far side of the stage.

Nervous energy coursed through me as the name of the girl in front of me was called, and then it was my turn.

"Madison Hanson," Mr. Wilson announced, smiling broadly at me. I returned his smile as I accepted my diploma. Maybe he wasn't a douche bag after all.

Walking off the stage, I waited on the side for Dean. My eyes met his moments before his own name was called. He winked at me and flashed a victory sign. If you can believe it, I had made it to graduation. I had survived. Death had nothing on me.