Forever Changed

Colton pounded me on the back as I choked. “You okay?”

I nodded, still unable to speak. My eyes spilled over with tears and by the time I finished coughing to look up, the guy who initiated my fit was gone. I knew it was inevitable that we would run into each other from time to time, but it didn’t make it any easier to see him. I wanted to lash out at him for allowing his father to drive that day. The toxicology reports from the accident proved he was plastered. If his father wouldn’t have been driving, my father would still be alive.

“Better?” Colton asked, smiling crookedly at me.

“Yeah, I guess that bite went down the wrong tube.”

“Wow, is that a blush?” Colton asked, stroking the side of my face with the pad of his thumb.

“Whatever,” I said, trying to use my disinterested voice that I had turned into an art form before my dad died. All embarrassment aside, I was just happy no one else at the table was paying much attention to our exchange.

“So, really, are you okay?” Colton repeated his question from before.

I could have thrown out another blasé answer, but my tongue formed the words that my brain wanted to hide. “It’s just all so surreal. Everything’s the same here, but at my house, it’s like a scene from a post-apocalyptic movie or something. My mom walks around like a zombie, making very little noise, while Peanut follows me around like a silent shadow,” I said, feeling tears beginning to form again.

Everyone at the table suddenly went silent after my admission. Go figure, when I’m choking no one even looks up, but when I spill my guts, that’s when I become the center of attention again.

Lacey’s eyes met mine and for the briefest moment I thought she understood my feelings. That is until she stood up abruptly. “No offense Kassandra, but all this doom and gloom is seriously making my head ache,” she said, shooting me a sarcastic smile before she flounced off.

I watched her back incredulously. That couldn’t have hurt any worse if she would have actually slapped me across the face. Trish and Allie both shot me sympathetic looks before scrambling after her.

“What a beeyotch,” Jack said, making the rest of my friends laugh.

Colton reached over and squeezed my hand. “She’s just being Lacey,” he said, offering an explanation.

I sat there in shock, trying to maintain my composure. He was right, though. Lacey was just being herself. She was fun to hang out with when you were in the mood to gossip or talk about some guy’s rock hard pecks, but when it came to anything of any substance, she would tune you out in a heartbeat. I hated to admit it, but before the accident, I didn’t have much more depth than that either. It took the harsh reality of my father’s death to make me re-evaluate myself. The sad part is I hear his words more now than when he was alive.

“Just be yourself Kass Kass. If people can’t appreciate what you have to offer as a person, they aren’t your real friends,” he had said. Of course, I just shrugged it off, thinking he didn’t have a clue.

Now, watching Lacey disappear into the building, his words seemed more potent than ever. How had I allowed myself to become that person? I shamefully lowered my eyes. Could I really expect my friends to see me any differently after I had projected such a superficial attitude before?

“Jack’s right. She’s a mega-bitch,” Colton whispered in my ear.

“No, you were right. Lacey was just being herself,” I said, standing up to throw my trash away.

The bell rang as I grabbed my book bag, giving me the excuse to bolt for the building, leaving the rest of my so-called friends behind. I had other plans at this point that didn’t include fifth period. I headed for the north end of the building and exited through the double doors toward the student parking lot. Tears clouded my eyes. Completely flustered, I fumbled through my bag to find my keys, almost reaching the point where I wanted to throw my book bag, before finding them near the bottom. I thrust the key into the ignition, threw the car in reverse and peeled out of the parking lot, all in quick succession. It felt odd leaving early since I had never really skipped before. Well, except for seventh period sometimes so we could get to cheerleading practice early. Ms. Hanson never seemed to mind. She was a cheerleader herself through college and was pleased by our dedication.

I hit the gas and merged onto the highway, heading for the beach. I knew I should have picked up Megan since it was her first day at her new school, but I yearned to shake the confines of responsibility.

I pulled into the beach parking lot that my friends and I frequented almost every day during the summertime. The lot was practically deserted and I climbed out of the vehicle, thankful I would get the solitude I was searching for. I used the hand-rail for balance and removed my sandals before heading down the wooden steps that led to the sand. It was a little warm today, but the shade from the storm wall made the sand feel cool beneath my feet. The sea breeze off the ocean made the waves choppy and had my hair whipping around my face. Luckily, I had grabbed one of my hair ties from the car and used it to gather my hair in the back. I closed my eyes and sank down to the sand, letting the sounds of the beach comfort me. The methodical rhythm of the waves rolling in, the wind blowing across my face, and the chatter of the pelicans played harmoniously together, drowning out the sobs I had been holding back since lunch.

Drawing my knees up to my chest, I rested my head forward, finally allowing myself the freedom to grieve. Cold harsh reality became crystal clear as I finally accepted t

he fact that my life was never going to be same again.

I was leaving Smokeville via the student parking lot when I saw Kassandra stumble across the parking lot to her vehicle. I watched from afar like the good stalker I had become as she climbed into her car before peeling out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell. I guess she wasn’t as ready to come back as she thought. I just hope it wasn’t because of me.

My feelings for her eclipsed anything I ever remembered feeling before. It would suck if she felt like she couldn’t be here anymore because of what my dad had done. Maybe I was stupid anyway. How could I feel this way about someone I’ve never really talked to? I’m not even confident I could explain it to her if I had the chance. It wasn’t like I was feeling some kind of love at first sight or instant lust for that matter, although she was definitely gorgeous. The point being, I wasn’t some kind of freak. I just wanted to protect her from any further heartbreak. To see her eyes light up like they did in the family pictures the news showed on television.

By two o’clock, I was back on the road, headed for Mrs. Mimi’s to pick up Megan. I felt surprisingly better and a little more in control of the situation after crying things out. Pulling down the visor, I peeked in the mirror to make sure I didn’t need to do damage control before going inside to get Megan. My eyes were slightly bloodshot, but the puffiness around them had faded significantly. I pulled out my compact and smoothed a little powder under my eyes to cover up the slight redness that remained. Once I was satisfied, I slicked my favorite lip gloss from Victoria’s Secret across my pale lips.

Convinced Megan wouldn’t be the wiser about my breakdown, I headed inside. I punched our security code into the panel that would allow the double doors to swing open. All at once, the interior of the building rumbled like a freight train from the sounds of the laughing and screaming coming from different classrooms mingled together.

“Hello, Kassandra,” Mrs. Mimi greeted me as she stepped out of the controlled chaos.

“Hi. How did it go today?”

“Very well, I think. She didn’t speak today, but she participated in all the activities. She seemed quite bored during story-time, though.”