“These bags seem pretty heavy. Do you want me to carry them for you?” he asked, not quite releasing them completely to me as our hands touched.
“No, I got 'em,” I said. “I’m tougher than I look,” I added, making it clear I didn’t need his help. I pulled on the handles
until he reluctantly released them.
“Are you sure?” he asked one last time.
I nodded. “I’m used to it,” I said, feeling the mask that was hiding my embarrassment begin to slip as he studied me intently.
“Okay,” he surrendered, sounding a little disappointed.
I gripped the handles tightly making my knuckles turn white. His now sympathetic gaze was enough to wither the tough-girl front I was trying to portray, so I turned quickly, fleeing from the store before I completely crumbled.
I didn’t slow my pace as I continued to berate myself all the way back to the entrance of the trailer park. Some master of illusion I was. We're not even here one day and in one fell swoop I’d allowed a swoon-worthy hunk a glimpse into my reality. The thought of facing him again the next day made my stomach flip. For a moment I wanted to be selfish as I contemplated using Lucinda’s spontaneity in my favor by harping on the smallness of the town. I knew if I worded it right I could convince her we should move on and leave the small town behind. Kevin’s face floated through my head and I imagined his disappointment if we packed it in and hit the road again. I had promised him I would try to keep us in this place as long as I could. Could I betray him by breaking my promise just because I was afraid that some cute guy had caught a small glimpse of the real me?
I knew I couldn’t do that to him. After our last bout of homelessness, Kevin needed some semblance of stability, for as long as it would last anyway.
By tomorrow I would have my mask firmly back in place. Avoiding grocery boy would be tough in a small school, but hopefully he would turn out to be a halfway decent guy and not make me the front page news. Satisfied with my plan of action, I tried to make my mind forget about him and not think about his yummy eyes or dimples that made my palms sweat. In a different life I could see myself with someone like him, but here and now, we're just from different worlds and had no place together. It was for the best anyway. I had no desire to start up a relationship with some guy when my days here were numbered. I just wanted to make a few friends and enjoy our temporary home while it lasted. Making friends was never hard for me even though I was always shy initially. Lucinda, during one of her kinder moments, had once told me that I had the gift for putting people at ease and that they automatically gravitated to me because of it.
Tomorrow we would see if she was right.
***
Kevin was waiting for me on the top step when I finally staggered to the trailer.
“What are you doing out here?” I asked.
“They’re fighting,” he said, not needing to elaborate.
“Ugh, are you sure?” I asked, seeing our chance of a decent dinner slowly slipping away.
“Yeah, they were quiet at first, but they’ve gotten louder.”
“Well, crap,” I muttered, trying to come up with a game plan. “Why don’t you go sit in the car since it’s chilly out here? I’ll go see how bad it is.”
He nodded, heading to the car. We both hated when Lucinda fought with whomever she was hooked up with because the fights always seemed to turn volatile. Kevin hated the fights because the yelling hurt his ears. I hated them because most times they turned physical, and I hated having to step in. Getting hit was not my idea of a fun time, but more often than not I always got caught in the crossfire. It was one thing to suffer Lucinda’s wrath if I pissed her off, but it really sucked to get caught in a fight that had nothing to do with me.
I could hear the yelling before I even opened the door. They were still in their room which was a good sign for me. Rushing to the kitchen, I threw the groceries in the cupboards and fridge as the yelling escalated. I hastily pulled out the peanut butter and jelly and hurriedly assembled a couple sandwiches each for Kevin and me. Once they were made, I snatched up sandwich bags and two of the packages of Top Ramen soup. Stowing it all in one of the now-empty grocery bags, I linked my wrist through the handle of the bag leaving my hands free to pour a tall glass of milk for us to share. With dinner in hand, I quietly made my way to my room to grab the blanket off my bed and the book I had laid out earlier. My plans for lying in my own bed reading would have to wait.
I scurried back down the hall with my arms full, almost home free when their fight spilled out of their room. Jim knocked into me as he rushed toward the front door, making me spill milk everywhere. “Your mother's a fuck'n psycho,” he yelled on his way out the door. I groaned silently. He would pay for that comment.
Sure enough, not a moment after he slammed the door, Lucinda flew out of her room like a bat out of hell. “PSYCHO?” she screamed at the closed door as she rushed to get by me. I knew I was in for it the moment she saw the spilt milk on the floor. “And what the hell are you doing?” She screeched, swinging out at me. The blow landed before I could think of something that would pacify her. My head jerked back from the impact across my left cheek.
“It was an accident,” I said, keeping my voice even as I cupped my stinging cheek with my now free hand.
“Well, clean it up and stop standing there like a moron!” she screamed, turning her rage toward me.
“Okay, Lucin…uh, Mom,” I said correcting myself, hoping she wouldn’t notice my slip.
I mopped up the milk with toilet paper I had grabbed from the bathroom since we didn’t have any paper towels. In my haste to clean up the mess quickly, the toilet paper became a soggy mess. I knew logically I should have grabbed an empty grocery bag, but my head was still fuzzy from the hit. I didn’t realize my mistake until I was carrying the soggy toilet paper to the kitchen trash, leaving little droplets of milk that slipped between my cupped hands splattering onto the linoleum floor.
“KATELYN, you stupid ass, you’re dripping milk all over the damn place!” Lucinda screamed at me as I dropped to my knees to clean up the drops of milk. Lucinda’s rage hit the optimal level as she pelted me over and over again with her closed fist. The blows fell heavy on my back and head. I curled up in a ball, waiting for the storm to pass. I knew it would be over soon and that when it passed her rage would be gone. That was the way it always played out, Lucinda hit until she was done being mad.
After a few moments, she finally left me on the floor as she stormed out of the trailer. I waited several moments to make sure she wasn’t coming back before uncurling my aching body. My head pounded in agony and my back tried to boycott my movements, but after a moment, I was finally able to rise.
I looked up and saw Kevin standing in the hallway with tears streaming down his cheeks.
“It’s okay, champ,” I said, grimacing in pain as I tried to smile to reassure him it was okay.