Losing Leah

My eyes remained closed and unresponsive. I did not flinch. I did not move. I was dying. Mother had to know that. Would she be sad when I was gone? My thoughts became muddled. I had just woken up and yet still felt that I could drift off into a deep slumber.

The sound of running water jerked me awake. How much time had passed? I had no idea. Reality and dreamland had become one and the same.

“Drink,” Mother said, appearing at my side with a cup of water. If I would have been stronger maybe I would have flinched, but my reflexes were as weak as the rest of my body.

The cool cup touched my lips, but they refused to part. My body was no longer thirsty. Couldn’t she see that? I was gone.

“If you don’t drink, I’ll have to hook you up to an IV.”

I watched her with dreary eyes, giving no reply.

She sighed and rose from the bed. “Fine. We’ll have to do this the tough way. I will not let you die because you refuse to drink. You are mine. I have no intention of letting you go.”

Her words floated in the air between us as the significance of their meaning hit me like a bolt of lightning. The buzzing in my head intensified, drowning out the sound of her footsteps as she walked upstairs. She was wrong. My body had already given up. My mind yearned for peace. She could not take that from me.

I willed myself to move. My limbs protested, but I forced them to cooperate. With legs like limp noodles, I rose to my feet, fighting the dizziness that came from being upright for the first time in days. I sagged against the wall, breathing heavily. Time was of the essence. Using the wall for support, I forced my feet to move. My steps were sluggish, with a strong urge to stop. I ignored them. They could give up when I got to my destination.

Somehow I made it to the stairs. My intention had been to climb them, but their height was daunting before my eyes. I would not make it to the top before she returned. I knew it without a shadow of a doubt. There was no place to hide. I reached for the only hope I had. My hand hesitantly closed around it. I was not strong enough for this. Mother would not allow it.

Her footsteps were nearing the stairs. It wasn’t too late to return to bed. My body wanted to sag to the floor as indecision filled my head. Down the steps she came. Tap. Tap. Tap. I tightened my grip, worried that I would fall. Her foot reached the last step.

I could see the surprise on her face as she rounded the doorway, only to be replaced by shock as I swung the strap. The very strap that had battered and bruised my body for years. The hardened, brass-plated buckle that was fastened at the end of the heavy-duty leather strap caught Mother across the temple. I should have felt remorse when she crumpled to the floor. I had done the unthinkable, and yet I felt nothing as I stepped over her body.

Soon it would be over.

All I had to do was get up the stairs.

Each step was taller than the last. I gripped the railing hard in my hand, using every bit of strength my body would muster to pull myself up. The open door was within sight, but so far away at the same time. It had always remained closed and there it was open, taunting me. Mother believed I was too weak to leave her. Little did she know I would find the strength. I just needed to make it to the top. My legs shook from exertion, but they kept working, allowing me to crest yet another step and bringing me closer. I could hear the first stirrings of movement behind me. I needed to hurry. It took two attempts for my foot to clear the last step.

I could hear Mother on the steps behind me. She was angry. My punishment would be severe if she caught me. It didn’t matter. I lunged forward into the kitchen I had only seen one other time. The room was nothing like the prison I had spent the last ten years locked in. Bright with sunlight, it gave me hope that I would get to see the sun one last time. Joy filled my heart, filling me with adrenaline. I couldn’t stop now. Mother was seconds away. With a sudden surge of strength, I slammed the basement door closed and engaged the locks as she crested the last step. My window of opportunity would be short. Mother had keys. She would unlock the door and crush the very last bit of existence I had left.

I stumbled toward the front door, fighting o

ff the relentless fatigue in my muscles. I was so close. My hand closed around the doorknob, but when I turned, nothing happened. “No, please!” I screamed, hearing Mother coming through the basement door. My hands shook feverishly, fumbling with the locks until finally I was able to pull it open.

Sunlight bathed my face, immediately blinding my vision. I waited for the pain that I was sure would come. It would be a welcome ending. I tripped down a small set of steps, barely staying upright if not for the porch rail. I still couldn’t see. The end was close. Soon I would sink into the darkness once and for all.

“Leah, stop!” Mother shouted behind me, but she was too late. I stumbled out to the road where the sun’s rays reflected off the black asphalt like a beacon. I was almost home. My body ached more than it ever had before and I wondered if it was the sun already killing me.

I heard the sound of screeching tires and cars crashing together. My body hit the pavement like a rag doll, but I felt nothing. A sea of yelling voices surrounded me. Horns and sirens swelled inside my ears. The sounds jumbled together like white noise. I opened my arms, welcoming my old friend, the darkness. The voices continued to pull at my senses, intrusive and annoying. I wanted to swat them away like pesky insects, but my arms were leaden. Then I remembered Mother. Where was she? I could feel my body moving and I opened my mouth to protest. I did not want to go back to the basement. I couldn’t go back.

“It’s okay, honey. We got you,” said an unfamiliar voice as I was lifted onto a bed. I could feel the bed moving beneath me, followed by the shrill sound of a siren. Unexpected terror filled me. I had been through this before, not knowing where I was going, what was happening. “We’re going to give you something for the pain,” the same soothing voice spoke again. “You’re safe now.”

I shook my head. There was no pain. I felt nothing. What was safe? Did she know the sun had harmed me? I couldn’t make sense of anything that was being said.

Time lost all meaning. My brain was mush. Eventually, I stopped hearing any sound. I had reached my bliss. I wanted to thank them, but my tongue was thick and uncooperative. I stopped trying to figure things out when my eyes closed.

I woke up suddenly as my eyelids were pried open and a bright light shined in my face. Tubes stuck out of my arms and the familiar IV needle protruded from my hand. The whole thing had been a dream. I never hit Mother with the strap, never made it outside. Mother had been right. I was hers.

“I’m sorry, Mother,” I said, wondering if any more trouble was coming. It was not her face that peered down at me. An older gentleman in a white coat smiled as he patted my arm. “You’re going to be okay, young lady. Your parents are on their way.”

Parents? Clearly I was still dreaming. It was the only explanation. I would wake up and Mother would be here. She would be mad, but that was okay. At least I got to feel the warm sun once, if only in my dreams. Strangely, the pain I remembered from before was gone. My world was back to normal.

The sound of voices startled me again sometime later. I was still too groggy to comprehend them, but a cool hand clasped mine as the voice spoke again. It sounded familiar. One that I hadn’t heard in a long time. I had to still be dreaming. My fingers wanted it to be real. They closed tightly around the hand holding mine. The illusion would disappear as soon as I opened my eyes. A part of me wanted to keep this dream as long as possible. I could hear the voice murmuring, thick with tears.

My eyes fluttered open of their own accord and I recognized her instantly. She was older, her face lined more than I remembered and covered in tears, but the smile was the same. “Momma?” I croaked.

“I’m here, sweetie,” she wept, stroking my forehead.