Losing Leah

When we reached the bottom of the stairs, I opened the door and grabbed a wheelchair that was parked in the hallway. Gunner didn’t even protest as I guided him to sit down. It was just another clear sign that something was wrong. He quietly reached for my hand as I pushed his wheelchair down the hallway.

Gunner insisted that we go to my room first. “I want to say good-bye to you in private,” he said wryly, fiddling with the walking stick in his lap.

“Okay,” I agreed. I could tell that my impending release was as hard on him as it was for me. I willed myself to hold it together. He deserved for me to be the strong one this time. It was the least I could do for him.

I pulled up a chair and sat across from him so our knees touched. “This isn’t good-bye, Gunner. I’m going to visit you after my sessions with Dr. Marshall.”

He shook his head. “Mia, I don’t want you to come see me until after my surgery. You’ll be busy starting your new life. I don’t want you chained to my bed.”

His words were like a sharp jab to my gut. He had no idea what an accurate metaphor he had used.

“I’m not going to abandon you. I know what it feels like to be alone and there’s no reason why you should have to experience that.”

He leaned forward, resting his hand on my knees. “I’m not trying to be a martyr. I’ll have plenty of people with me. But you’ve had your share of loss. I’d rather we treat our time together like going to camp, you know? We can talk on the phone and text.”

I had no idea what he was talking about but I couldn’t help smiling sadly. “I never went to camp.”

“Picture lousy food, smelly cabins, and adults forcing you into sing-alongs. Actually, they’re cool,” he joked. “Anyway, the important part about camp is the week you invest in trying to get the girl you like to notice you. If you play your cards right, you get that girl to kiss you. That’s the goal.”

A month ago I would have laughed at the thought that I would be sitting across from a guy who was making it pretty clear he wanted to kiss me. I thought life outside my prison was a dream that would never be fulfilled. That I would die without ever feeling someone else’s touch.

“Mia, are you ready for another first?” Gunner whispered, moving his hand to my cheek. I leaned in, closing the distance between us without even thinking about it.

I nodded my head. This time it didn’t matter that he couldn’t see me. He could feel the movement beneath his palm. Gunner removed his glasses, keeping his eyes closed as he erased the remaining distance between us. My stomach began fluttering, making my entire body quiver. I closed my own eyes as Gunner’s lips settled gently against mine. Goose bumps formed on my arms as he deepened the kiss. His lips were softer than they looked, forming perfectly with mine. He pulled away slowly, leaving me in a momentary trance. My lips tingled as I raised my fingertips to my mouth. My first kiss had lasted only moments, but it was something I would never forget.

“Good-bye, Mia.” Before I could fully register his words, Gunner stood up with his walking stick to leave the room.

My fingertips were still on my lips when he paused in the doorway. “Be brave, Mia. No matter what happens. Be brave.”

24

THE NEXT morning I zipped up my bag and looked around my room one last time. It looked barren without all the cards and flowers I had received over the past three weeks. The majority came from people I had never even met who had seen my story on the news. The cards were stored in the box that Jacob had already carried to the car. All the flowers were tossed or given away to other patients. The army of stuffed animals was crammed into a big trash bag so Jacob could carry them down on his next trip.

Mom signed her name on the last of the forms she’d been given for my release. “You ready, sweetie?”

I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat.

“Are you nervous?”

I nodded again, which wasn’t a lie although the lump in my throat had nothing to do with my fear of leaving. Even though we’d said our good-byes the night before, I’d still expected Gunner to come by before I left. I debated taking matters into my own hands but I wanted to honor his wishes. Like our pact, I felt I had to keep my promise.

Jacob arrived and shouldered my duffel bag and the large bag of stuffed animals. “Are we ready to get this party on the road?” he said, winking at me.

“Mia?” Mom reached for my hand. I hesitated for a moment before meeting her halfway and grasping her hand firmly in mine.

We left my room as a family—or part of a family since Dad didn’t show up. I felt he hadn’t adjusted to me being found. Maybe he was keeping his distance because he saw what Jacob and Mom were too stubborn to see. Maybe he saw what I saw. Did he see that I didn’t belong? Deep down did he realize that the daughter whom he lost so many years ago was forever gone? No matter how hard Mom wanted me to be her Mia there was always going to be a part of Leah inside of me. A big part.

The hospital staff called out their good-byes as we made our way down the hall. I waved at all of them and accepted hugs from several people. I was getting good at the whole hugging thing.

I couldn’t resist peeking in Gunner’s room as we passed, but it was empty and dark. I pivoted my eyes straight ahead and focused on the next step in my life like Dr. Marshall had instructed.

Jacob waited with me in front of the hospital while Mom retrieved the car. I fidgeted in the wheelchair that the hospital insisted I use. It was a silly policy. I was quite capable of walking on my own. Wasn’t that the whole point? I was finally strong enough to leave.

Jacob placed the bag of stuffed animals on the ground in front of my chair and plunked down on the bench next to me. “Mia, there’s something I think you should know before we get home,” he said, looking down at his hands. “Mom and Dad wanted to wait, but I feel you have the right to know. You’ve been kept in the dark enough to last a lifetime.” He paused, taking a deep breath. I didn’t know where he was going, but the look in his eyes gave me the i

mpression I wasn’t going to like it. “Mia, Dad doesn’t live at home with us anymore. He hasn’t lived there for a very long time.”

His admission was like a quick punch in the gut. My stomach reacted by churning the eggs I’d eaten for breakfast uncomfortably in my belly. I cast my eyes down to my fingers, which were already looking for an outlet. They scratched at the cuticle at my thumb, trying to pull skin free. “How long?”