“Doing what?” My heartbeat quickened, beating in my ribcage.
“Act like this was just a time to get whatever this is out of our systems? Because I’ll tell you right now, I haven’t had nearly enough.”
I pressed my lips. “I don’t know.” Sitting back, I crossed my legs and looked to my right to focus on the body of water. “Like you said, I’ll be in college soon. We won’t see each other as often as we do now.”
“But when we do? Then what? Did you think about that?”
“We just…see what happens, I guess. Who knows? Maybe what we feel now will go away. Maybe we’ll change and become friends again, like we were before I came onto you that night…”
He sat back, pulling his hand away to scratch the tip of his nose with his thumbnail. “Maybe,” he said. He sighed, looking over the rail. “But something tells me this won’t just go away—that the time and distance will only make us want each other more when we see each other again.”
“We’ll do better. We just can’t fight it like before. You know how crazy and irrational I can get when I want you…” I dragged my teeth over my bottom lip. “I hate fighting what I want, especially when it comes to you.”
He sat back, running the pads of his fingers over his temple and forehead. “But all of this is so fucked up,” he mumbled. “So fucked up.”
“Cane—“
“No, Kandy. Don’t say anything. There’s not much that can be said when we both know it’s true. This is all so very fucked up. Having breakfast with you like this? Spending a whole weekend with you? Having sex with you?” He dropped his hand. “You don’t know this, but when I think about Derek, I think about him facing a psychotic man with a gun, that psychotic man being my worthless father. I think about him being brave enough to stand in front of that threatening, menacing man, and taking him down to save my mother, who could have been killed that night, but survived. She got out alive because of Derek. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell I’d do without her. Yeah, she can be delusional and has her issues, but I love her. I…shit. I need her, Kandy. That’s why she’s in rehab for the second time, because I want her to do better, and I’m tired of losing her to the drugs.” He sighed and my throat thickened with emotion. “As a kid, I used to pray she’d get better. I promised her and myself that I would get her help when I could, so she could be the woman I knew and loved as a child. The one who protected me and put my sister and me first. The one who left my father without one look back—back when she was clean and honest and full of life. Before he found her again and fucked up her life. I know she’s still in there, and now that I can help her I’m fulfilling that promise, but I can’t help thinking about how I’m breaking the trust of the man who gave us another chance to rebuild our relationship. A man that I owe so much to.”
My eyes were hot, the truths truly setting in. Whatever appetite I thought I had completely vanished.
He huffed. “But then there are moments like this, when I’m around you and feel on top of the world. Moments like this are when I wonder—why? Why does it have to be you that I feel so much for? Why does it have to be so complicated, like my life isn’t already complicated enough?” I felt his pain and conflict with the raw crack of his words. “Why do I have to choose between my best friend and what my heart and mind really desires, after sacrificing pretty much everything in my life just to get to where I am today?” His eyes glistened, red-rimmed, and my heart both swelled and ached for him. “At the end of the day, I know what I’ll have to do. It’s just going to be hard to fall through with it.”
“Cane…I-I’m sorry,” I whispered, grabbing his hand. “I swear, I’m so sorry. I wish I felt something else too. I feel awful keeping this secret from my dad—especially after hanging out with him last week. I felt like shit that day and swore I would avoid you, but here I am. I don’t know what it is about you. I’ve felt it since I was a little girl—this crazy connection that is impenetrable and special. I know it’s wrong to want you, but when I see you or I get the chance to be around you, all of that wrongness disappears.” I sniffled. “I—I don’t know. It’s hard for me to explain. He always says how he’s so proud of you and all you’ve accomplished, and that you deserve it more than anyone. He talks about how you helped him get through his recovery with baseball or basketball games, or quick beers at the bar you guys met at, and I literally hate myself. But then there are moments like this, when we’re alone, like you said. You’re right next to me. Touching me. Seeing me for who I really am…and there’s nothing I want more than you. It’s like nothing else matters when we’re together.”