No, this is something I didn’t think I’d feel until I was married. This is love. We are making love and I am enjoying every single second of it.
The way he kisses me and the way he holds me is exactly what I need right now. It’s so mature—so different from the reckless, swift, greedy sex we had before.
This moment with him is bonding us for life. He is giving me his all—his heart, his body, his mind—and I am taking as much of it as I can.
There is a part of me that aches because I know Joaquin deserves a life that’s fair. He deserves to fulfill his passion, be the coach he can be, and our bond has broken that.
But as much as I want to blame myself…I can’t too much. He is taking that blame right away from me and obliterating it, stroke by stroke. Kiss by kiss.
“I love you,” I tell him as his body tenses.
“Fuck, I love you too, Amber,” he says on my lips, and then he drops his head, his body locks, and his cock throbs as he releases inside me.
We lay here for a while, breathing through the moment, never wanting to let each other go. I stare up at the ceiling fan, holding back tears. He eventually wrenches himself away and flops down beside me. I turn to look at him, and he leans in to kiss my forehead.
I’m not sure how much time passes, but eventually day becomes night and after talking a bit more about the situation with Hamilton, we are both in his shower.
He has me in his arms, my back pressed to the cool white tiles. The water streams from the showerhead, running down the contours of his muscular back. Our moans are loud, and he’s relentless as he fucks me, stealing kisses from me, holding onto me tight, despite both of us being wet and slippery.
I’ve never had sex in the shower before, but this? I will never forget this. Torres is skilled and can make me feel wanted at any time and any place.
I don’t want these moments to pass us by, but I can’t help feeling deep down in my heart that after tonight, everything is going to change…
I can feel it coming, like a ripple effect, and I know I won’t be prepared for it when it does.
FORTY-EIGHT
If there is one thing I know, it’s that Amber deserves so much more than a man like me. I’m a little over a decade older than her. She’s in college and should focus on living her life and having fun, not about whether I’ll be able to get another job after resigning from Bennett. My problems shouldn’t become hers. She has so much more to look forward to, and I’m hindering that.
I glance at the alarm clock on my nightstand. It’s nearing two in the morning and she’s asleep on my chest. She fell asleep when I started playing with her hair.
I listen to her light snores and the innocent noises she makes as she dreams, then I look at her and feel a squeeze around my heart. This girl means everything to me. I never want to see her hurt, and I definitely don’t want to force her to grow up any faster than she needs to. She already had to do that when she lost her father. Part of her childhood was taken from her and she had to face that sad reality.
I refuse to hold her back. Yes, I love her, and yes, I know that she loves me…but sometimes love comes at the wrong time. And that’s what kills me. I look at her now and I feel like I won’t be able to breathe properly without her next to me, but I realize that if I don’t let her go now, I never will. It’s selfish of me to keep this going, no matter how much I love her.
What kills me most is that I’ve thought about it, and I won’t be able to break this down for her. I can’t tell her that this is what’s best for her because she’s so damn selfless, she doesn’t care what’s best for her. She wants what’s best for both of us and will fight tooth and nail and even accept a loss if it means we can remain. I refuse to let that happen.
So, after tonight, I must create that distance. I have to break the ties.
After tonight, she has to realize that there is more to life than falling for a broken, battered man like me.
FORTY-NINE
I was right about things changing.
I notice it the moment I wake up and realize Torres isn’t in bed with me. The apartment is completely quiet. Normally if I wake up in his bed after he does, I can hear some music playing or the TV playing reruns of a sitcom.