The hole is bigger now, almost like little imaginary men are digging away at my heart, shoveling whenever a wave of emotion comes over me.
My tears finally fall free and Tessa holds me tighter, turning me around and whispering that we should go back inside.
The house is quiet, and it doesn’t help that the sky is gray, and rain is on the way. I sit at the kitchen table, holding a cup of green tea Tessa made me. She allows me to sit in silence as she makes breakfast.
I don’t eat much when she brings the food to me, just move my fork around on the plate.
“I bet he’ll do great,” Tessa says after taking a bite of French toast.
I want to smile for her, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
I push back in my chair, abandoning my plate. “I’m going to go take a shower.”
“Okay. Do you want me to help you up?” she asks, about to stand.
“No, I’m okay.” I force a smile at her.
“Kay.” She sits, but I can tell she’s on the fence about letting me go up the stairs alone. “I’ll come check on you in a few.”
I nod, leaving the kitchen and making my way to the stairs. I stare up at my ascent, and for some reason the stairs seem even more daunting than they did before. I hear Tessa placing dishes in the sink and know that if she sees me standing here, worried about a fourteen-step climb, she won’t leave me alone for the rest of the day, which is what I want. I need to be alone for now.
I make my way up, taking each step slowly, steadying my breath. When I make it to the top of the staircase, I sigh, pleased with myself.
In my bathroom, I strip myself bare, step onto the cold marble shower floor, turn on the shower head, and press my head on the wall across from me.
The warm water streams through my thin hair, down the dips of my back. Luckily, the heat of my tears blends with the water. I don’t feel as helpless. The warmth comforts only a small part of me.
I remember the shower I took a few days ago with John, how he held me from behind, showered me with kisses, then twisted me around, letting water spill between our lips as we both paused for breath. Then the glass of the shower fogged, everything became steamy. I felt nothing but pure joy as we made love—as he gripped me, caressing every part of me. We were having sex again and it was magical.
I cry even harder, my core getting sore from the thick sobs. I cry until I feel I’ve been drained of all emotion and then I shut the shower off, carefully stepping out and wrapping my body in an oversized white towel.
I enter my bedroom, sitting on the edge of the king-sized bed. My phone rings moments later.
MAX
I ignore the call.
He calls again.
Ignore.
He calls again.
I don’t answer.
My phone vibrates next.
A text message.
Max: I know the hound is gone.
Pick up and talk to me.
I place my phone face down on the nightstand. I haven’t spoken to Max since the day John told me he was going to Vegas. John deserved all of my attention and it’s a good thing Max kept his distance during all of it.
A knock sounds on the door and Tessa trots in with a tray in her hand with cut fruit and water on top of it. Placing it on the stand beside me, she says, “John told me to make sure you eat, and you barely touched your breakfast. I expect that bowl to be empty when I come back, missy.” She gives me a warm smile. I force one back, even though I know she’s the one who told Max that John was leaving. It’s like she wants to hate him, but she can’t. She knows Max has a way of lifting my spirits. “I’m going to go call Danny. Let me know if you need me.”
She’s out of the door again, phone in hand, purposely avoiding looking into my puffy eyes. When I’m ready, I will talk to her. She knows this and luckily for me she respects it.
When she’s long gone, my eyes land on the tray. Though food is the last thing I want right now, she cut up watermelon and strawberries, which are my favorites and I don’t want it to go to waste.
Climbing off the bed, I march for my closet and take down a T-shirt and some jogging pants. When I’m dressed and have rubbed on some lotion, I grab a piece of watermelon and eat it, but I can hardly taste it.
My phone rings again and I rush for it, snatching it up and answering. “What, Max?”