The doctor ran every test that could lead to a stomach virus but it turned out it wasn’t a stomach virus at all.
My doctor came in, handed me a sheet of paper and said, “Shannon, Congratulations! You’re pregnant.” He beamed at me, but I stared at him with wide eyes.
“Pregnant? What? How?”
“Well, I’m certain I don’t need to explain how that happens,” he said, teasing. I didn’t bother smiling when he did and he cleared his throat, clearly seeing I wasn’t in the mood for laughs. “You’re about five weeks along now.”
“Five weeks,” I said. I couldn’t believe this. How had I missed this? My head spun, my mouth suddenly too watery. I jumped off the table, rushing for the trashcan in the corner, heaving up the half of the blueberry muffin I had guzzled down that morning.
The tears started as I crossed the parking lot to get to my car and became heavier when I got to my apartment and buried myself beneath the comforter.
Oddly, I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t worried. I was just…confused. I was confused because I wasn’t sure what to do with the news. I wanted to keep the baby, but at the same time it felt like the wrong time to bear the child of someone who didn’t even want to see me.
I called Max again. Then once more. Around the fifth time, he actually answered, and I was surprised. The sound of his voice made my heart beat faster.
“Max?” I breathed. “What the hell? Where have you been? I’ve been trying to get in touch with you for days!”
“I’m sorry.” He didn’t say anything more.
“Are you okay?” I asked, sitting up with my back against the headboard.
“Fine I guess.”
“Where are you? What’s going on with you?”
He was quiet a moment. “I’m in a good place. Don’t worry.”
I wasn’t sure how to accept that statement. He was still grieving apparently, which was fine, but why was he avoiding me?
“My parents have a condo in Wilmington,” he said, and I was glad he at least told me that. “They rent it out as an Airbnb here and there. I’ve been here a while.”
“Oh.” Relief washed through me. “Okay. Good.”
The line went quiet.
“I have something to tell you,” I said, filling the void.
“What?”
“Well, I’ve been feeling kind of bad the last couple of days. I wasn’t sure what was up so I finally went to the doctor to get checked…”
“And?” he urged.
“And, well, I still can’t believe it but…” I laughed a little, some joy finally present, “I’m pregnant, Max.”
Max, who I expected to respond eagerly, didn’t respond at all. I waited for him to say something—anything.
“Did you hear me?” I asked.
“Yeah. I heard you.”
Silence again.
“So…what do you think?”
Another stretch of silence. It was killing me. He’d never been this quiet on the phone with me before.
“Max?”
“I’m thinking right now is not a good time for you to be pregnant, Shannon.”
His statement made my heart sink to my stomach. I shut my eyes briefly, fighting tears, trying to put myself in his shoes, but I just couldn’t.
This unborn child that I’d just found out about? He or she was a blessing. He was right about it not being the right time. We were young and had just started at this boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but I knew deep down we could make it work. We always made things work…or so I thought.
I assumed the news of my pregnancy would wake Max up a little, bring us closer together—even heal Max in a way. A tragedy leading up to a blessing.
“What do you mean?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.
“I just…” He sighed. “You know what? I don’t know. Just do whatever you want, okay? Just know that I’m not ready for a kid, but if you want it, keep it.”
Selfish. That’s what he was. A selfish asshole. Rage sparked in me and I sat forward. “Max, I understand what you are going through, but I think you’re forgetting that you aren’t the only person who has lost someone before! I lost a parent too, okay? I know how it feels! It fucking hurts and nothing will ever be able to replace them, but what I’ve just shared with you—this is real life, okay? This is happening so you can’t just say shit to me like that! I’m not ready either, but I’m willing to talk it out and make something work!”
“Your father’s death is different, Shannon,” he muttered. “Plus, I lost two parents. You only lost one. It’s not the same.”
Wow. I couldn’t believe this. “Are you fucking serious?” My voice cracked and I hated the betrayal of it, “Why are you being like this? How can you be like this to me?”
Max didn’t say anything. Not a single word, and I waited for it, but I knew he wasn’t going to speak again. So I hung up and I cried even harder than I had the days before.