Sweet Collateral

I place a trembling hand against his chest, and he stills, lips breaking away from mine. “You’re shaking.”

“I’m fine.”

He groans. “You shouldn’t have come in here.”

I don’t know what to say, so I simply wind my hand around his neck and tug him closer until I can kiss him. My mind races right along with my pulse as I slide my free hand from his chest, down over his stomach. You can do this. I’m so close to touching him there, when his fingers wrap around my wrist. Tugging my hand away, he pins it to the tile above my head.

“You’re going to kill me, woman.” He removes my other hand from the back of his neck and pins it to the wall with the first, trapping both wrists in one hand before he sets me on my feet. He towers over me, effortlessly restraining me against the tile. I swallow heavily, and my gaze follows his free hand over each defined bump of his abs, lower, lower, until he’s wrapping his tattooed fingers around himself. A little silver piercing catches under the bright lights of the bathroom. The water continues to pour over the both of us, and I lick a drop from my bottom lip. Rafe hisses out a breath through his teeth, his movements speeding up a little. As I watch him, I forget all about my fear. I forget why I came in here.

His chest seems to grow, his abs popping and flexing violently. Our eyes lock, and I slowly lean in, brushing my lips over his jaw. The corded muscles of his throat pop as he tips his head back, rivulets of water cascading over his skin. I swipe my tongue up the length of his throat, licking the hot water from him. Piece by piece, Rafael comes undone. Every touch, every kiss, he becomes a little wilder, a little more unhinged, and I find that I want it. I want to be in control of a man like him. Pushing up on tiptoes, I place my lips against his. I can feel the tight restraint in every inch of his body, his hand pumping against my stomach as the distance between us closes. I want him to come undone for me because this thing that has always made me so powerless is empowering right now.

A feral growl works up his throat and for the briefest moment, my mind waivers—my grip on reality slipping ever so slightly. I get this sick feeling in my stomach. This is wrong and dirty.

“God, you ruin me, Anna.” Anna. I have a name here. I’m a person, not a thing. I focus on Rafael, on the way his body bucks and tenses, on the glazed, needy look in his eyes. He releases me and slams his hand against the tile over my head, his shoulders slumping forward as he loses the battle with himself. “Anna…fuck.”

He’s cracking wide open, breaking and shattering before my eyes. It’s vulnerable and pure, untainted. A string of groans leave him between hard breaths, his body going tense before his head falls forward against my chest. For a moment, neither of us says anything.

“You always surprise me, avecita.”

The reality of what just happened crashes in on me like a wave breaking against the rocky shore. My thoughts becoming nothing more than scattered white foam, bubbling to the surface in a messy rush.

“I’m…uh, I’m s—”

His hand lands over my mouth. “I swear, if you apologize, right now…” I try to move, to shift away from him, but he uses the weight of his body to trap me. “Oh no. You stay here until that look disappears from your face.” He drops his hand.

“What look?”

“Like you just did something wrong, something you’re ashamed of.” I tilt my head back and close my eyes. He sees too much. I don’t like it. His lips brush my cheek, stopping by my ear. “This isn’t wrong.” That’s just it though, how can something feel right when it’s been your own personal nightmare for so long? I’m warring with myself, torn in two between this engrained disgust and this longing to be something other than what I am. I open my eyes to find him watching me.

“Why did you stop me?” I whisper, my voice barely audible over the sound of the water.

“Why did you come in here?” I say nothing. “You’re not ready.”

I close my eyes. “If you wait for me to ‘be ready’, you might be waiting forever.”

“Then I’ll wait forever.” I open my eyes and meet his steely gaze.

He says that now. I try to duck around him, but of course, he blocks me. Standing there wordlessly like an impenetrable wall. “Let me go.”

“No. Talk.”

My frustration and self-loathing swirl together into a toxic concoction that has everything bubbling to the surface uncontrollably. “You won’t though!” I shout.