“I don’t know what I just did. What we just did…”
“It’s called an orgasm, avecita.” He flashes me a cocky grin and winks before pushing to his feet. He offers me his hand, and I take it, allowing him to pull me up. He tilts his head to the side, watching me in that predatory way of his. He grabs my face, titling my head back. “Why are you ashamed? You taste amazing.” I blush even harder, and he laughs, kissing my forehead. “You’re so fucking innocent, but I’m going to corrupt you, avecita. Piece by piece. And you’ll like it.”
I did like it, every bit as much as I hated it. Two sides of the same coin. Anything sexual will always be accompanied by the shame. Why would he want to do that? Why would he put his mouth on me? I’m tainted and dirty. It always comes back to why would he want me? Why would he say he loves me? Trust him.
“I…” I grab my yoga pants and yank them on. “I need to go.” I rush towards the door with Rafael calling my name behind me, but I don’t stop. I need air. I need space. I need a minute to try and balance who I am and who I was because right now, the two are fighting for space in my head. I’m a messy concoction of them both like pieces of thread so impossibly knotted together, you’ll never truly be able to pull them apart. But I want to. God, I want to.
34
Anna
I retreat to the bedroom and take a hot shower, attempting to wash away my shame and cleanse my mind. The very air around me feels heavy and oppressive, and my mind is like quicksand, trying to hold me down and pull me under, but I fight it.
As I close my eyes, I picture the smile on Rafael’s face, the pride in his eyes. I try to hold onto that, but it’s so hard. I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around me before going to the closet.
“Anna.” I turn around and find Rafael, one hand braced against the doorframe. I eye him, my stomach knotting under his stare. “Your sister wants to speak to you.” He holds the phone up, and I stare at it for a second, my heart rate skipping pointedly. He covers the microphone, frowning. “You don’t have to speak to her yet if you don’t want to.”
“She’s my sister,” I whisper.
“I don’t give a fuck who she is. If you don’t want to speak to her, you don’t speak to her.”
I take a cleansing breath and hold my hand out for the phone. His eyes lock with mine as he places it in my hand. I imagined so many times what it would be like if I ever found her, but now that it’s happening, I find myself recoiling, afraid of disappointment. We’re not children anymore. She’s no longer the protective older sister I once knew, and I’m not the innocent little girl she tried so hard to preserve. I place the phone to my ear, my heart beating erratically.
“Hello.”
There’s a pause. “Hey,” she says, her accent more American than Russian, but with just a hint of our homeland lingering beneath.
I don’t know what to say to her. Rafael turns to leave, but I grab his hand, halting him. I don’t know why. I just…need him. I have no idea what to say to Una, and I glance at him as if he can help me, but this is the one thing he can’t help me with. I have to do this on my own. His fingers thread through mine, his thumb skating small circles over the back of my hand.
“Thank you for helping me,” I say. Una and I strangers, but she risked everything to try and save me.
“I…you’re my sister,” she takes a breath. “I looked for you.”
“I know. Rafael told me.”
Another long pause. “I will get you out of Mexico. I will. It’s just not safe right now.” What? No.
“I’m safe with Rafael.” I’m grateful to her, I am, but she’s still a faceless dream.
“Okay. Well, I love you,” she whispers. “And Anna, be careful. This world is full of enemies.”
I hang up because I don’t know what else to say to her. Handing the phone back to Rafael.
“Una called you?”
“Nero did.”
“She’s with him?”
He scrubs his hand over his face. “I think they’re together.”
“Together…?”
“She’s his.” My eyes go wide. “She wants to be his.” He clarifies.
“Why would she want to stay with a man who blackmailed her?”
He moves closer, gaze locking with mine. “Why would you want to stay with a man who kept you captive?”
“That’s not the same.”
“Isn’t it? Just know that no one could make Una do something she doesn’t want to do.”