Sweet Collateral

"You ask too much.”

“I ask you to be selfless.”

“I love her!” I roar, so loud that it sets my pulse pounding against my eardrums.

A small smile touches her lips, though her eyes are sad. “I know,” she whispers. “But I know better than anyone that if you love something, you sometimes have to let it go.”

Standing upright, she turns on her heel and walks to the door. “If you’d let Maria go, she and her sons might still be alive.” Opening the door, she leaves. And in her wake, I’m left with a crippling guilt. She and her sons might still be alive.

She’s right. My world, it’s toxic. And it will kill Anna the same way it killed Maria.

54

Anna

I wake up to the feel of warm breath over my back. Fingers trail over my arm so gently that goosebumps rise on my skin. I roll over, blinking my eyes open to find Rafael watching me. His hair is a mess, and his eyes are bloodshot as though he’s been awake most of the night. I can smell the faint waft of whiskey on his breath. I lift my hand, tracing my thumb over the dark shadows lingering beneath his eyes.

“You need to sleep.”

“I can’t. Everything is broken.” He takes my hand and brushes his lips over my knuckles. “Everything except this.” I’ve never seen him look so defeated.

“Then just pretend nothing else exists for a minute.”

He cups my cheek, dark eyes studying my face as though committing it to memory. “I wish I could.”

Something is very wrong. I can feel it, like the hand of death reaching from him to me. “Rafe?”

“Nero and Una are leaving today.”

“Okay…”

He closes his eyes for a moment, his lips pressing into a tight line. “You should go with them,” he says, so quietly I can’t be sure I heard him right.

“What?”

“You heard me. You aren’t safe here. I’ve been selfish—”

“No.” I sit bolt upright, my heart racing in my chest as I stare down at him. He wants to send me away and my heart squeezes painfully at the thought. “What happened to Maria…I’m sorry, but—”

“Dominges isn’t stopping.” He cuts me off, his voice cold and distanced. “Nero and Una no longer have the Russians to contend with…” He rolls onto his back and drags both hands through his hair. “You’ll be safe there.”

“For how long? Surely there will be retribution for Nicholai? He’s part of the Bratva.”

“Nero will ensure their drug and gun supply resumes. They aren’t going to get in a fight over one man when their business is back on track.”

“So, that’s it. You just give up?” He says nothing and any sense of calm dissipates. Anger rises to the surface, driven by the pain of his rejection. I slap his chest. “No. You don’t get to just pick me up and drop me when you feel like it.” I slap him again and again, until my palm stings and tears blind me. I go to strike him again, and he finally lets out a feral growl, grabbing my throat and forcing me onto my back. His weight falls on top of me, crushing me against the mattress.

“This isn’t me dropping you. This is me protecting you. This is me doing the right thing because I fucking love you. More than anyone or anything.” He’s so close that his lips brush mine. “I will not open another box to find your head in it. I can’t.” His voice breaks. “So, please don’t make this harder than it already is.”

“What about what I want?” I choke. “Doesn’t that matter?”

He sighs, stroking his fingers over my cheek. “No. Because you’re in danger.”

“I’m safe with you,” I whisper.

“I’m sure Maria thought the same.” And with those few words, I know I’ve lost him. He’s blinded by grief, and he’s scared. I can see it in his eyes. If someone can get to Maria, they can get to me, but I don’t care. The thought of leaving him has an empty void opening up in my chest. I can’t. I won’t survive it.

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, my voice breaking right along with my heart because I know what’s coming. “I need you.”

“No, you don’t.”

I grip a handful of his hair, wishing I could hold him to me. “I love you.”

“I love you too, more than you know. You can come back when it’s safe.” But he doesn’t believe that, and if what he says is true, it’ll never be safe.

“What happened to ride or die?” I ask, my voice breaking.

He closes his eyes for a moment and then opens them again. “I won’t watch you die, avecita. I know what it feels like to lose you.”

This isn’t a fight I’m going to win. I know Rafael. I can see he’s decided, and there will be no going back. Tears sting my eyes, and I rush to the bathroom before he can see them fall.