“I do.” But with her still over me, and my pulse still well above baseline, I’m not sure I’m coherent enough to properly have this conversation. There are so many things she and I have to talk about once we get home—what we want in a relationship, what we want from our careers. I still haven’t told her about my conversation with Ted. And once she has all the information, she’ll need to decide what she wants to do, too. It’s all definitely too much for this perfect, quiet moment.
So I simply say the truth again: “Like I said, I think it’s going to be blissful to be home.”
The air grows cool and dark, and we get dressed as best we can in the front seat of an old car.
I look up at the sound of the door opening and see her step outside, arms above her head and back arched in a delicious, satisfied stretch. Climbing out, I walk around to the front of the car and sit back against the hood, watching her.
“Who was your first love?”
Her question takes me by surprise, but I answer. “Her name was Alicia. We were fourteen.”
She walks back to me, smiling like she’s tipsy, arms loose at her sides.
“Fourteen?” She pretends to be scandalized.
“Ohhh,” I say, taking her hands in mine and pulling her closer. “You mean real love? With, like, wisdom and communication?”
“No, whatever you say first goes.”
“Okay, well, then Alicia. I was totally infatuated. She was on the diving team. I think I just really liked seeing her in a bathing suit.”
I can’t make out much of her face but can see the way her head tilts as she considers me. “Occasionally you have these total Dude Moments, and they delight me.”
I tug her closer until her chest is pressed against mine. “What about you? Who was your first love?”
“Dave Figota. I swear to God he fell in love with me when he saw me take my bra off without taking off my shirt. He looked at me like I was some kind of sexy witch.”
I tuck her hair behind her ear. It’s not curly exactly, but too rebellious to be considered straight. It fits her. “I’ve always found it fascinating how much of a mystery that maneuver is to men.”
“It’s not a mystery to you because you’re an engineer.”
I don’t have to see her face to know what she’s doing. “Why do I get the sense that you’re saying that with an eye roll?”
“I think because I’m … aware of the differences in our education.” She pulls back a little. “Sometimes I feel a little dumb by comparison. I don’t even know what an engineer really does, let alone how a person becomes one. Does it bother you that I never went to college?”
“There are bell-shaped curves everywhere,” I say carefully. “Just because someone goes to college doesn’t mean they’re inherently smarter than someone who doesn’t. Plenty of idiots get degrees. Plenty of geniuses never bother.”
“Are you suggesting it’s possible I’m smarter than you?”
“Oh, I know you are.” I run my nose along her neck, taste the salt on her skin. “Plus, think of all the experiences you’ve had that most people haven’t.”
“Like skinny-dipping?” I feel her smile.
“Rub it in.”
Her fingers move to my hair. “We have time.”
I pull her forward, taste her sweet mouth and her tongue, and a single thought lands and sticks for those long, forever seconds: I want to make her life better by being the best thing in it.
Partial transcript of interview with
James McCann, July 14
Officer Martin: What was the nature of your relationship with Ms. Duncan?
James McCann: The nature?
Officer Martin: Yes. Of your relationship.
JM: With Carey? We were coworkers.
Officer Martin: Solely colleagues?
JM: I mean, in a situation like ours, you get closer, you know?
Officer Martin: Can you elaborate?
JM: It was just us on the road with the Tripps. And Joe. Sort of. Carey and I got close. She really put up with a lot from Melissa and had for a number of years. She never had anyone who understood what she dealt with, and then I came along, and I understood. I think that was really good for her. And me. It was good for me, too. I grew to really—sorry. This isn’t about me and Carey. I mean—okay, yes, there were romantic feelings but—how is this relevant to your investigation?
Officer Martin: I’m just trying to understand the dynamics at play here and how they may have contributed to what happened.
JM: But it’s clear what happened, right? I mean, we’ve all told you.
Officer Martin: Mr. McCann, it helps me to know all the facts going into this investigation. Who was close to whom? What your employers knew, what they didn’t know. This kind of thing.
JM: Okay, well. Carey and I got close. I mean, we … [gestures vaguely]. A couple of times. Technically three times.