Hot 4 (Multiple Love)

My hands fly to my mouth. "Oh my God."

Now I can see why they were so determined to push aside their father's plans for them and go their own way. Now I can see why they are so passionate about the role they play within the fire service. They are trying to prevent others from going through the same devastation that they experience.

"I know," Natalie says, shaking her head.

"So sad and so traumatic."

I sink down onto the sofa, feeling so unbelievably selfish. I've gone on about my dad so much, sharing all my pain and anguish, and they haven't once revealed their own. Maybe they haven't wanted to open an old wound, or maybe they didn't think I could take hearing their sadness. When they return, I need to tell them that our relationship must be more open. We can't go forward with them holding their hurts and troubles to themselves, past or present.

The words “go forward” resonate in my own mind.

For the past few months, I've been holding my heart back.

I've been repeating over and over all of the reasons why this relationship couldn't ever be anything more than an amazing interlude in my life, but now I can't imagine my future without these men.

Yes, our fathers are opposed to our union. Yes, there will be people around us who find our love disgusting. But there are also people who are rooting for us to succeed and people who will find out about our arrangement and accept it for what it is; another way of loving and being loved.

"I just want them to come home," I say to Natalie. "I need to tell them that I love them and that this is it for me."

"I think they know already." Natalie smiles. "You're just slow in catching up to what everyone else can see."

I blink, wondering if my best friend is right. Why was I so happy to push her into the relationship with Miller, Max, and Mason and so reticent to accept that kind of love for myself?

Because deep inside, I'm so much less confident than the sassy exterior I've crafted for myself.

"I hope they know. I hope they are doing everything they can to get back to me."

"I know they are." Natalie smiles and shifts closer. She takes my hand and holds it in her lap. "You deserve to be happy, Connie. You're the best person I know."

I scoff but inside, my heart swells. "Does this mean we're really going to end up being related?"

"Yep. Cousins-in-law. Oh, and our kids will be second cousins. How cool is that."

I squeeze my best friend's hand. "So damned cool."

It's another two hours before my boys return home. They appear tired and disheveled, and even though they showered before they left the station, they still smell faintly of smoke and chemicals. I'm up off my seat and flying across the room, hugging them all with a ferocity that seems to take them by surprise.

"Hey." Karter's the last to have the breath squeezed out of him, and he holds me close, stroking my back. "We're okay. Everything's okay."

"I was so worried."

"You shouldn't have been," Holden says, drawing himself straighter. "We know what we're doing."

"I know you do, but bad things can still happen."

"Are you guys hungry?" Natalie asks. "One of your neighbors brought over some muffins that are almost as good as sex."

The boys snigger. "I'll tell my cousins that you're comparing their bedroom skills to baked goods," Kane says.

"They know." Natalie shrugs. "I do it all the time."

We all drift into the kitchen, and I offer to make some hot chocolate and grilled cheese sandwiches to have with the muffins. Around the table, my boys share the story of their latest blaze, and I'm so proud of how much they take their jobs in their stride. Holden and Harris are the most exhausted, so they drift up to bed while the rest of us clear up. I settle Natalie into Holden's old room and leave her on the phone to her family.

Going through the motions to get ready for bed suddenly feels different. Before tonight I felt like I was playing at this life. I was living a dream by extending a vacation fling that felt amazing but wasn't going to work for me long-term. But as I watch Kane and Karter stroll around the room in just their gray sleep shorts and take in Holden and Harris already sleeping, I feel at home.

This place, between these four men, is safe. The way they love me isn't about holding me to a certain standard and manipulating me to be the kind of person they want. It's about seeing who I am deep down and supporting me to be that, and so much more. They have proven they will do whatever it takes to defend me, both physically and from words that can cut just as deep. They've been open and upfront about what they want. They've fought for our relationship even when I was pulling in the other direction.