For Lucy

“I … I don’t know. I guess I’m hoping that can be something you might discuss with her. But I don’t want her to feel that it’s her fault.”

“I understand that, but if she knows, on some level that it was, in part, her fault, then that’s something we need to deal with.”

“Okay. But is there any reason Tatum needs to know?”

“I won’t know this until I talk with Lucy. I don’t think it’s something you can keep from your wife forever. Have you thought about what that could do to your marriage? Have you thought about what it might do to Lucy if this does end your marriage?”

“Yes. I have thought about it. And every time I think about it, I come to the same conclusion.”

“Which is?”

“In my unprofessional opinion, I think it would be easier for Lucy to live with divorced parents who love her instead of a mother who looks at her with anything short of complete love and adoration.”

Dr. Kane did her slow nod again. “I understand your concern. And I will take it into careful consideration when I talk with Lucy. But you need to know that what might be best for her now, might not be the best for her in a few years.”

“So you never keep secrets? All secrets are bad?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then what are you saying?” I started to feel a little agitation.

Dr. Kane returned a warm smile. “I’m saying … I need to talk to Lucy.”

Tatum didn’t say anything on the way home. We had two hours until Lucy would be getting off the school bus. I busied myself in the yard while Tatum cleaned the house, avoiding the locked door to Austin’s room. She hadn’t touched a thing, and she didn’t want anyone else in there touching things either. When I took a break to grab a drink, she came down the stairs with a load of laundry tucked under her arm.

“Why did you need to talk to Dr. Kane alone?”

I thought I’d slid by with that one since she only talked to me on a need-to basis. Apparently, that was a need-to-know thing for her.

“I wanted to fill in some detail. I knew you were really struggling, so I didn’t share everything when we were all together. I could tell you were needing out of there.”

“What detail?”

I shrugged a single shoulder. “Just Lucy’s reaction, when she saw me … in the pool.”

Tatum swallowed hard. “Is that all?”

“Yeah.”

After a beat, she pivoted to head toward the laundry room.

“Actually …” I stopped her. “We discussed us for a little bit.”

“Us?”

I nodded once.

“What about us?”

“Well, our situation.”

Her eyes narrowed. “What is our situation?”

Good question. I had no clue, but that was why I was fishing for her to give me some answers. “We discussed how a tragedy like this can be hard on a marriage.” I stretched the truth. “Some marriages don’t survive.”

Tatum couldn’t hold my gaze. It hurt. It spoke volumes without her saying a single word. When she wordlessly padded her way to the laundry room, I followed her.

“If you can’t forgive me …” I couldn’t finish.

With her back to me, she loaded the washing machine. “It’s not about forgiveness. Even if I could forgive you, I can’t …”

“You can’t what?”

She closed the door to the washing machine and rested her hands on the top of it, head bowed. “I can’t look at you,” she murmured. “I can’t look at you without seeing him. I can’t look at you without thinking about you in the garage, not watching him, while he…” her voice cracked “…sank to the bottom of the pool. And I hate that I can’t look at you. I hate this feeling so goddamn much.”

My heart knew this day would come. And as much as I tried to prepare it to weather the hard punch of truth, it still left a hole, aching and bleeding. Swallowing hard, I kept my emotions in check, just barely. “It’s not fair to Lucy. If you can’t look at me, she will notice.”

“I don’t know what you expect me to do.” She sniffled.

“Let go before you suffocate.”

She slowly turned, cheeks streaked with tears. “Let go of what?”

With a sad smile that barely disguised my pain, I said, “Me. Let go of me.”

“Y-you want a divorce?” She wiped her cheeks.

“No. I want you. I want Lucy. I want everything I wanted the day I met you. But I love Lucy more than us, and I love you more than me.”

“Emmett …” She choked and her face contorted as she tried to keep from falling to pieces. But I knew the truth. She had already fallen to pieces, and I was no longer the person who could put her back together.

“This is on me. Not you. This is my failure. Not yours.”

She covered her mouth and cried, eyes pinched shut.