For Lucy

“What about Chicago? Is he taking a job there? Are you moving there?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“You didn’t discuss it?” I stare at the amber bottle in my hand.

“We discussed different possibilities. If Lucy doesn’t want to move before she graduates—”

“Of course she’s not going to want to move before she graduates.”

Tatum shoots me a scowl. “If she doesn’t want to move before she graduates, then I’ll stay here with her and go to Chicago most weekends.”

“I’m here. You don’t have to stay.”

“That’s not an option.”

I laugh. “Not an option? Why? Because you still don’t trust me?”

“No. Because she’s my daughter too, and I’m not okay with two days with her and five days away from her.”

God … this woman infuriates me. I love her. I love her in the most self-destructive way, but she still infuriates me. “That does suck … only seeing Lucy two days. But actually, I can’t attest to that because I didn’t get two days with her. I got one fucking day with her. Ten hours to be exact.”

“Emmett …”

It’s always my name. Like her saying it should bring me out of my state of mind, wake me up to see her version of the truth.

“You can Emmett me all you want, but that’s still the truth. I would never hold your mistake to such an insane level of inhumanity. I would never go in front of a judge and insist you be disqualified from ever driving her anywhere again.”

Tatum tears up, and it usually gets me. A punch in the gut. But not today. She can’t kiss me the way she kissed me and still play the fucking neglectful parenting card. Not ever again. She thinks she’s earned a chance at happiness, but what about me?

“I can forgive you and you can forgive me, but it doesn’t change the past.”

I shrug. “I’m not trying to change the past.”

“Oh, that’s right. You’re just trying to live in the past. That’s why you wanted this house. That’s why you refuse to date.”

Drawing in a deep breath, I hold it and let it out slowly through my nose. “You’re right. I like the memories this house holds. That’s why I wanted the house. And I don’t date because my heart still belongs to the woman standing in front of me. And it’s not a switch I can turn off.”

“Don’t do this, Emmett …” She shakes her head. “I don’t want you to love me.”

“Well, I’m sorry. It’s not your choice. And it’s not even my choice. I don’t wake up every morning and spend an hour practicing loving you like taking a morning jog. It’s automatic. It’s like my heart beating. I don’t think about it. So maybe when I die and other things cease … like the beating of my heart … then maybe you’ll be set free of my love. So there’s that. Something to look forward to. Oh good! Emmett finally died, now I don’t have to deal with his love.”

She bats away a tear.

“Chicago will be good for you.”

“Why?” She sniffles.

“Because I’m not there.”

She winces. “It’s not that I don’t love you. I just …”

“I know.”

“I wouldn’t marry Josh if I didn’t love him.”

“I know.”

“And I do want you to be happy.”

I give that a little thought. I’m not sure she does want me to be happy. I think she wants me to be okay. Okay for Lucy. Okay for her conscience. But not happy. I think she feels like my life falling just shy of true happiness is my penance.

Chapter Twenty-Two

THEN

Tatum rarely called me. She used Lucy to send her messages, sometimes she’d shoot me an email, but a phone call was rare.

“Hello?” I answered my phone at a jobsite, one hand holding the phone while my other hand covered my ear to hear her as I walked away from the machinery toward the parking lot and my truck.

“Emmett?”

“Sorry … just a sec.” I jogged to my truck and climbed inside. “I’m at a jobsite and couldn’t hear you. Is everything okay?” I asked Tatum.

“Yeah. It’s … I … well, I just wanted to call you and tell you something before I tell Lucy and she tells you.”

“Sounds complicated. What is it?”

“I … met someone.”

It was one thing to know something, like death was inevitable. And it was another thing to know something, like someone died. The thing you knew would eventually happen happened. And you realize that nothing could have prepared you for it. As much as you tried to ready your heart, guard it from complete destruction, you underestimated the force, the real impact.

“That’s … um …” I pinched the bridge of my nose and squeezed my eyes shut. “Who is he?”

“He’s a doctor. Not mine. Funny thing, actually, Alice and Derek introduced me to him. Not Cody,” she said with a nervous laugh.