Tatum quickly wipes the tears that escape. “I couldn’t grieve him like I needed to. And then … you said I should let you go. And I felt so fucking abandoned. And then I just got … angry. I hated you for giving up on us. I … hated you for everything,” she whispers.
All this time, I had no idea. I wasn’t waiting for her to console me or forgive me. I was waiting for her to leave me. And I couldn’t see past that impending doom of my marriage to realize that she needed space, not separation. I handed her the divorce. I think I silently asked for it way before it ever crossed her mind. And that anger … when she fought me for custody of Lucy … she was mad because I was letting our marriage end.
“I …” My head eases side to side as her words continue to settle into my conscience, piecing those months after Austin’s death together. Right now, I hate myself too. “I never expected anything from you, except for the divorce. I knew my presence not only in this house but in your life was a painful reminder of the child we would never hold again. I just didn’t know what my role was in your life or what you wanted me to do. I honestly felt like my existence in your world was unbearable. And I would have left. I would have left and given you space had I not felt like Lucy needed me too during that time. But never … ever did I expect you to console me or forgive me or anything like that. And I thought you wanted out … of the marriage. I didn’t want to make you ask for it.”
Tatum gives me a sad smile. “It’s in the past. We can’t change anything. I’m just glad we can be here for Lucy and that things feel civilized again. For years I wondered if we’d ever be able to be in the same room and not feel the pain.”
I still feel the pain—the pain of losing not only my son, but my wife. Maybe she doesn’t feel it because she doesn’t feel like she lost me, or maybe she has Josh now and that’s enough for her joy.
It’s so hard to find a breath right now. Did she really just confess that she didn’t want the divorce? Did I blow up my whole fucking world when all she needed was some space?
I eat more of my sandwich because I don’t know what to say. For the first time, I feel Lucy’s conflict over telling Tatum our secret. It won’t change the past, and I’m not sure it would change the now or the future in a positive way. I’m not sure it’s fair to expect it to change anything.
“Cold chicken and barbecue sauce.” She smiles. “I feel like we lived off that for a good year or more after Lucy was born. You’d grill a bunch of chicken and we’d eat it the rest of the week until we splurged and ordered pizza Saturday nights.”
I inhale her words, every stolen moment that she allows herself to reminisce about the good times in our life. We had a lot of them. And we should have had more.
Stupid fucking me.
“Taco pizza.” I grin.
“Is there any other kind?” She winks.
“Want a sandwich?”
“No. I’ll grab something at home.”
“So yes. You want a sandwich.” I set my plate on the counter and get the chicken and barbecue sauce back out of the fridge.
“I don’t want to eat your food.”
I laugh. “You can have Lucy’s portion.”
After I assemble her sandwich, she takes the plate. “Thank you.” She sits at the kitchen table while I grab a root beer for myself and a glass of water with no ice for her.
“I offered her a condom because a while back she voiced her motivation for walking. Basically, if she can walk, then she can have sex.”
“What?” Tatum mumbles over her bite of sandwich. “Are you serious? Did she actually say that?”
“Sadly, yes. And I wasn’t thrilled. But I also desperately wanted her to walk again. I think I would have been fine with anything that motivated her.”
“So what did you say?”
I shrug. “Not much. I simply related the fact that she had already said ... if she can walk, she can have sex.”
“So you gave her permission?”
“Yes. I gave her permission to walk.”
“Emmett …”
“No. You don’t get to Emmett me on this one. She’s seventeen. I knew there was a good possibility that she might not walk until she turned eighteen. How was I supposed to know that it would motivate her to walk this quickly?”
“She asked me about birth control, but I didn’t actually think …” Tatum takes another bite of her sandwich and slowly chews it. “Wow … where did time go?”