Feeling weak, I grip the counter. My doctor said I could have a normal pregnancy with my heart condition. I just have to be monitored well. What worries me more is giving my genes to my baby like my mother gave me hers. Still, I can’t help but want the little life growing inside me, not now that I’ve seen the blue lines, especially knowing it’s Ian’s. Will he want it? Will he prefer that I have an abortion?
Too many questions assault me. I can’t properly digest the news, let alone think about the consequences.
A soft knock falls on the door, and Maita enters.
One look at my face, and hers fall. “Oh, Cas.”
I show her the stick.
She covers her mouth with a hand, uncertainty playing in her eyes. “Are you happy?”
“Yes,” I say. “Well, confused. We had one little slipup. It’s still a big shock.”
“Are you angry?” she asks.
“What? No. Of course not. It’s not the baby’s fault.”
“I meant Ian. Are you mad with him for not getting you the morning-after pill?”
“That’s not going to change anything. I’d rather use my energy dealing with the current situation.”
She looks relieved. “Yes.” Her brow scrunches up. “Do you want to keep it?”
“Yes,” I say, cupping a hand over my stomach, “but it’s not my decision alone to make. I don’t know how Ian is going to react when I tell him.”
Out of nowhere, the enormity of what’s happening crashes down on me. The truth hits me like a brick between the eyes. Dragging a hand over my mouth, I look at my pale face in the mirror. “Fuck. This will complicate his life—ours—for sure.”
Suddenly, I’m scared. I’m scared for the baby I’m carrying, but also scared of losing Ian. Does he even want to be a father? What happened is just as much his doing as mine. He carries half of that responsibility, but some men get weird about being tied down with a kid. He’ll stand by me, I still don’t doubt that, but will he want to do it from a distance? Will he think it’s safer for our child and me to leave? Or will he just not want to be bogged down with that kind of responsibility? Will he be a father who fulfills his duty only with a monthly child support check?
Shit. I’m trembling. “How could this happen?” I stare at Maita. “Once. We only slipped up once.”
“Have you been on the pill?”
“Never. It wasn’t recommended with my heart condition.”
“Many women who’ve never used the pill claim to fall pregnant very quickly. It’s all about timing, your egg’s susceptibility, and his sperm quality.”
“It doesn’t really matter.” I press the heels of my palms against my eyes. “It happened and I can’t change that.”
“Hey.” Maita squeezes my shoulder. “I know it’s a lot to take in. Let’s get you a cup of tea.”
I’m such a selfish bitch. There are two sick people waiting in reception and here I am acting like I’m about to faint and in need of a cup of tea.
“I’m good,” I say in a hoarse voice.
“Let me at least get you one to go.” She turns for the door. “We have some paper cups in the kitchen.”
I stop her with a hand on her arm. “Please don’t say anything to Ian. I need a little time to process this before I tell him.”
She cups my hand where it rests on her forearm. “You can rely on my discretion.”
“Thank you,” I say, weak with relief.
“Take your time to talk things through with Ian. He’s a good man. I’m sure he’ll be supportive.” She winks. “Something tells me he’ll be very happy.”
I want to believe it. I want to grab the optimism she offers, but I’m too level-headed to do that just yet.
I stand dazed in the kitchen while she makes a cup of tea and hands me the paper cup.
“Don’t hesitate to call me any time you need me,” she says as she sees me out.
I mumble another thank you. I don’t know how I got there, but the next moment, I’m on the dusty pavement in the bright morning sun with a cup of black, sweet tea in my hand. What now? I’d go out of my mind alone in the room. I need to stay busy while I process the information. Keeping busy will ground and calm me.
My decision made, I get into the Jeep, put the tea in the cup holder, and drive to the fields. The women greet me with happy waves. I look at the babies strapped in blankets to their backs. I can do this, can’t I? I’m young, but I have my feet on the ground and Ian is older with more life experience. We’ll make a good team, won’t we?
Keeya hands me a shovel. “What’s with the daydreaming?”