The power of our connection wouldn’t do it. I knew it wouldn’t, and that hurt me more than anything. It kept me down all week. The feelings I had should’ve been enough. It was the only thing I cared about, but to her, it would represent puppy love gone wrong.
I’d be the desperate loser that couldn’t handle his own feelings. My obsession would be seen as a sign of my lunacy, and she’d write me off. It hurt more than anything because what I felt was more real, more powerful than any explanation I could give, and she didn’t respect that, which meant that she didn’t respect me.
I tried not to think about it, but I wondered. Did she feel the same way that I felt about her? She must’ve. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have let me in, even after the way things started. She wasn’t the kind of person to take her love life lightly.
What would drive her away like that? How could she do this to me? Didn’t she know what we had? What could possibly make her ignore that? Becky?
She wasn’t dumb enough to let that silicone queen get to her. It was something that had been building up, growing so big that it overshadowed the way we both felt. That was going to be very difficult for me to fight.
I couldn’t think of anything. I went over and over different scripts. I thought about doing everything from professing my love, to promising her the world, but it wasn’t enough. It was the same when I tried to come up with a way to address our issues. Something very specific bothered her, and I had to find out exactly what that was if I wanted to give her the certainty she’d need to come back to me.
There was no certainty, not for me. Maybe for her, but there was no way of knowing. The only thing I knew was that I couldn’t stay away from her any longer. The longer I waited, the further we’d grow apart. Maybe soon, she’d get used to the idea of being without me.
I had to act right away. When I got off work, I took a shower and got dressed up. I found a nice shirt, a good pair of pants, and spent nearly an hour trying to perfect my hair. No matter how things ended up, this was a special moment in my life. Might as well make myself presentable.
I still had a script in mind. I’d been going over it in my head all day and was pretty satisfied with it. I looked myself in the mirror and took a deep breath. “Mercedes, this past week has been torture, and I can’t imagine spending another minute without you.” This was the hard part. “I don’t know what’s wrong. You won’t tell me, and that’s not fair.”
My voice caught, and I held my head low. “You don’t have to be with me, or run into my arms, but please, just give me a chance to defend myself.”
It wasn’t perfect, but it was the only thing I could think of. I wouldn’t be throwing myself at her. I would ask for a chance to defend myself. I knew it would bother her, but it might be enough to get her to open up. If I could get her to do that, then I could finally get a word in. That might be enough.
I took another deep breath, then started walking downstairs. I’d been through a lot in my life. Starvation, homelessness, and years of hard labor. But none of those things bothered me, not like this. I was terrified. More than likely this wouldn’t work. She was too stubborn. Even if I did find a way to get her to open up to me, she probably wouldn’t listen to what I had to say.
Halfway down the stairs, the doorbell rang, and I froze. The guards normally notified me the second somebody pulled up to the gate. It was probably Andrew again. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to get the guards to keep him out. They just pretended like they didn’t know anything.
I didn’t want to see him. I had somewhere to be. Somewhere much more important. I opened the door with the intention of getting rid of him. Then I froze. Mercedes stood in front of me with a tear-stained face and bloodshot eyes. If she was here, she must feel the same way I did. I could do this—if I could think of something to say.
“Hi.” That didn’t give the moment justice. I wanted to run up and grab her and pull her closer, but she wasn’t even looking at me.
“Hi,” she said.
“Mercedes…”
She stepped forward and gave me a light, half-hearted hug, but it was something. “I missed you,” she said.
“You did?”
She nodded. “This whole time.”
“And you didn’t call? I tried, but you blocked my number.”
“I’m sorry. I saw what you did, with the bills.”
“I’d do it a thousand times over. You must know that.”
“I can’t accept it.”
I wanted to run up, grab her, and shake her by the shoulders. “Why not?”
“It’s too much. I don’t want to be in debt to you.”
“You can take it and walk away, and I won’t regret it. Not for one second. Even if I wanted to take it back, and I never will, I couldn’t. It’s already done.”
“I can’t—”
I grabbed her and crashed our lips together. My instincts had taken hold. They broke loose, raging through me. I wrapped my arms around her, sending her fluttering. I had no control, not one shred of willpower left. I’d been robbed of that. Now, all I had left was pure, animal desire.
Chapter 34