“But she was damn good to me. Anytime I was in town, my ex offered to let me have Rosie. She would even bring Rosie to my tour bus when I was close to town. But I couldn’t be bothered by a little girl. I was rotten.”
“You’re a good man, Stan,” Kimber yelled out. “We know you mean well.”
“Thanks, Kimber, but is meaning well and doing well actually the same thing? I’ve been off the road for five years now. I drink more than I eat. I never go to my daughter’s house and visit with her. I’m a grandfather, you know. But I wouldn’t trust myself around little children. I’m useless, and I don’t want to be like that.
“I want to be the kind of grandpa that the kids beg to come see. I want to offer to watch her children for a weekend and let her and her husband have some time together. I’m not here just for me this time. I’m going to get sober because I want to be remembered for doing something better than playing the damn drums.” Stan was starting to tear up. “Well, I guess that’s all I had to say. Thanks for listening.”
“Thanks for sharing, Stan,” Jarrod said as he stood up and patted Stan on the back.
I was moved by Stan’s story. He seemed to really care about his daughter now, and I couldn’t help but hope they would work things out. I had noticed that everyone was really supportive in all of my group sessions. It was a new thing for me, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it just yet, but I could see how that support was helping others.
“Does anyone else have anything to share?” Jarrod asked the group.
“My last boyfriend hit me. I don’t care that my current boyfriend doesn’t have a job and is old. I feel safe with him,” Kimber said as she stood up.
Everyone froze and looked at her in shock as they waited for her to elaborate or ask a question. But she didn’t say anything else and just sat back down.
“Thanks for sharing, Kimber.”
I saw Jarrod look toward me, and I avoided his gaze almost instantly. I didn’t have a thing to share at all. I wasn’t going to spill my personal business there in a group with a bunch of addicts. Sure, I had attended the other groups throughout the day, but they had asked questions about sobriety, support systems, and making plans for the future. We hadn’t shared our fears or hopes and certainly nothing as personal as what Stan and Kimber had shared.
A few other people shared their stories as I sat quietly and listened. It was brave of them to reach out to others, but I didn’t need that in my life. I was simply at the rehab facility so I could relax and refocus before going into the movie business. I didn’t need all the sharing and mumbo jumbo. I knew myself and I knew how to move forward.
Drugs and alcohol had been fun, but I could give them up. Hell, I had even gone through some bad withdrawals when I arrived, so surely I wasn’t going to start back up with that stuff when I got home. I was pretty positive that I wasn’t going to have any trouble staying sober when I finally left the facility.
As the meeting ended, I snuck out the back and tried to make it back to my room before Jarrod saw me. I knew he was going to want to ask me how I liked the meeting and I didn’t want to have to lie to him. It was uncomfortable. The truth about the AA meeting was that everything in there made me uncomfortable.
I didn’t like the way everyone answered things in unison; it felt like some sort of cult. I didn’t like what I felt was over-sharing when people stood up and talked about their personal life. AA meetings seemed even more intimate than regular group sessions.
The only thing I could say that I liked about the AA meeting was that there was a lot less God and preaching in it than I had expected. The other observation I had was that the meetings seemed to be helpfu
l to others.
“You look like you’ve had a good day,” Kaitlin said from the nurses’ station as she buzzed me back onto the unit.
“It was better than I expected.”
“A couple more days of this and you’ll be in a room with a door,” she said dramatically.
“I can’t wait.”
“Yeah, it’s always nice to have a little privacy. If you want some snacks, there’s fruit out there. Otherwise, nothing much going on this evening. I’ll just be over here trying to stay awake.”
“Yeah, why are you working so late tonight?” I asked as I tried to hold a normal conversation.
It was surprisingly hard for me to have a decent conversation while at Paradise Peak. I was out of my element, and everything I said seemed to sound ridiculously nerdy to me. There certainly wasn’t a way to act cool when you were in a rehab center. It was also hard for me to talk to people I didn’t know without alcohol in my system, that was something I had to get used to again.
“Susan’s brother died,” Kaitlin said. “Really sad. I guess it was sudden and unexpected.”
“That is sad. I’m sorry.”
“We all die eventually. Make sure you’re keeping in touch with your loved ones. Sooner or later, they will be gone. You don’t want to have any remorse about that.”
“Very true,” I said and quickly made my way back to my room.
Her words had hit me when I was vulnerable. I had just spent the entire day in and out of groups and therapy. My emotions were raw. I couldn’t help but think about what I would feel if I lost my brother or my father. We fought and were angry with each other, but I would be sad if they died. I would be crushed if I never had the opportunity to see them again. I wasn’t sure they would feel as bad if I died, but I knew in that moment that I was going to have to reach out to them, even if it was only for my own personal wellbeing.
Chapter Nine