“Maybe after the New Year we can switch back to days?”
“Why after the New Year?” Kaitlin asked. “Let’s switch back now. That way we can go out this weekend.”
She obviously didn’t know that I was purposely avoiding working on the regular unit, but I couldn’t exactly come out and admit that I had a thing with a patient. A thing? Was that what it was? I wasn’t even sure. All I knew was it couldn’t be an approved activity on the unit and I loved my job. I loved it so much that I wasn’t going to risk losing it.
I kept thinking about Erik, though. I would close my eyes and remember what it felt like to have him next to me. My body wanted to feel his hands on me. I fantasized about his lips moving down my body and tasting every inch of me. My thoughts were out of control. So, I certainly didn’t want to tell Kaitlin anything about what happened between Erik and me.
“It’s three days before Christmas. Do you seriously want to go out?” I asked.
“Yes, Cassidy, I want to go out. You have been putting it off for months. Let’s go out on Saturday and just dance and have some fun. I’ll drink club sodas with you, and the two of us can just enjoy blowing off some steam.”
It was a nice offer and Kaitlin was a great friend to offer not to drink alcohol while we were out. But I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to actually go anywhere that had alcohol. It scared me. Even though I was scared, I wanted Kaitlin and I to start having more fun. Maybe the reason I was falling for a patient was because I never got out and socialized with other people.
“I guess we could give it a try.”
“Oh, you sound so excited.”
“Sorry, I am. I think it will be great. Swing by my house and get me Saturday night. I’ll even put a dress on and some makeup.” I laughed.
“Well, now you are talkin’!”
I considered telling her about what had happened between Erik and I. But I didn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to admit what I had let happen. Kaitlin wouldn’t have thought badly of me for letting Erik kiss my neck, but she would have teased me about it relentlessly, so I kept it to myself.
In order to go out on Saturday, both Kaitlin and I had to work the day shift on the regular unit. It would be the first time I had to see Erik since taking hours on the secure unit. I told myself that things didn’t need to be weird, though. I would just put on a happy face and talk about the upcoming Christmas vacation.
On Sunday, most of the patients would be taking three-day leaves with their family to enjoy the holiday. There were about a half of a dozen patients who would remain at the hospital typically. The people who remained were the ones whose families had given up on them, or they were too sick to be out for three whole days.
“Brianna,” I said as I saw her sitting in the day area.
She looked tired and frail, but so much better than the last time I had seen her. She was alive and that made me so happy.
“Hi,” she said softly.
“Brianna doesn’t remember any of us,” Erik said as he brought a tray of food to her and sat down with us.
I wanted to avoid Erik, but I wanted to catch up with Brianna so much more. I had cried all night the evening she had been taken to the hospital. I cried for her, for her husband, for her children. It had been the first time such a thing had happened while I was working and I would absolutely never forget it.
“I’m sorry, he’s right. I don’t even remember being here,” her soft voice said as she pushed the food around on her plate.
“It’s okay,” I replied in the most upbeat voice I could manage. “I’m Cassidy. I sat with you when you first got here. You told me about your three daughters.”
She smiled at me and then started to sob. I looked at Erik to see what I had said wrong, but he just shrugged his shoulders like he didn’t know either. One of the worst feelings in the world was when a patient was crying and I didn’t know how to help them. It was my job to help people and feeling helpless wasn’t something I did very well.
“I’m such a horrible person,” she wailed.
“No, you’re not horrible. None of us are horrible. We are just doing the best we can,” Erik said and gently touched Brianna’s hand.
He was so kind to her, nothing like he had been the first day I had met him. Everything about Erik seemed more genuine as he sat there consoling this young mother. I watched as he talked with Brianna and did his best to help her feel better. She really listened to him and after a few minutes, seemed to be feeling a little better.
“I’ll check in with you guys later,” I said as I excused myself.
“Good job, you made her cry again,” Kaitlin said as I stood at the nurses’ station with my back to the group.
“I just said that she told me about her daughters that first day she was here.”
“It’s okay, she’s been crying all night long. I got a report on her when I arrived and it seems like she didn’t sleep much. But her husband rode with her in the ambulance over here and he was really sweet and encouraging. I don’t know, but I really hope she can get a hold of her issues.”
“What do you mean?”