Leaving for the holiday wasn’t just about seeing family, though. A couple of days outside of the walls of the treatment center gave patients the ability to test drive their new coping skills. When there weren’t holidays scheduled, patients could still get a leave to go home with their family for a night or a weekend. It really was the perfect opportunity for patients to see what was working for them and what they still struggled with.
“Aren’t you on a roll today?” Kaitlin laughed as both Erik and Brianna seemed to be ignoring me. “What happened to the girl everyone loved?”
“I have no idea. I just asked Erik if there was anyone who he could spend the holiday with. I can’t fathom that he doesn’t have at least one person in his life that he would want to see in Christmas.”
“Cassidy, not everyone has loving families. You know this, I know you do.”
“It’s just weird.”
“You know what’s weird?” she asked as she leaned in. “It’s weird how your eyes light up when you’re talking to him.”
“What? No they don’t,” I protested.
“Um, I watched you talking to him. You definitely light up.”
“No, I don’t!”
“I just call it like I see it,” she said smugly as she leaned back in her chair.
“I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Maybe I shouldn’t go dancing with you tonight. You’re just going to say I’m in love with every guy I have a conversation with.”
“You’re in love with Erik?” Kaitlin teased.
“Yeah, that’s exactly it, I’m in love with Erik,” I said sarcastically.
The look on Kaitlin’s face told me he was behind me long before I turned around and actually saw him. My heart sank at the idea that he had just heard what I had said. No, I didn’t love him. Obviously, I didn’t love the guy – I hardly knew him. But the pure fact that the words had left my mouth and he had heard them…it was mortifying.
“I love you, too,” he said and winked at me. “Kaitlin, can I get some towels?” he asked as he turned his attention to her.
Kaitlin rushed away from the counter as quickly as she could. The awkwardness that was about to happen was nothing that she wanted to be part of, and I couldn’t blame her at all. Being awkward around men was kind of my thing. No matter how hard I tried to act like a normal person, my words inevitably got twisted and I sounded like some sort of weird woman.
“I don’t love you. I said a joke and Kaitlin said something. Then, well, I don’t know how it came to that. But I’m not some sort of weirdo. I don’t love you.”
He chuckled at my awkwardness and smiled. He certainly no longer seemed to care that I had hounded him about going home for Christmas. I liked it when he smiled. His teeth were amazingly white and the creases in his face made him look distinguished as his face lit up. He really should smile more often.
“You guys are going dancing?” he asked as he expertly changed the subject.
“Yeah, I don’t know why I agreed. I’m a horrible dancer.”
His eyes lingered as he followed the curves of my body and looked over every inch of me. He took his time and then let his eyes focus on mine before he responded. I felt hot as he looked at me. My actual temperature was rising the longer his eyes stayed on my body. There weren’t too many times in my past that I remembered a man looking at me with that level of affection. It was nice, I felt desired, and that gave me a little confidence – which I was certainly going to need if I was going dancing with Kaitlin.
Dancing wasn’t my thing at all. While drunk, I had had fun with it, but while sober, I could only imagine how horrible the night would be. But I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to go out to impress anyone. I was simply going to go dancing so I could spend time with my friend.
“I doubt you’re bad at anything that involves using your body.”
My breathing stopped as I processed what he had just said. Is he saying he thought I was good at sex? Or dancing? I couldn’t think straight and stood there staring at him like I physically couldn’t speak.
“We are going dancing,” I managed to mumble.
“Yeah, I know.” He laughed.
“Here you go,” Kaitlin said as she looked at me and then back at Erik. “What’s wrong with her?”
“I think she’s excited that you guys are going dancing,” he said jokingly. “Have fun tonight, ladies.”
“Oh, we will!” Kaitlin hollered after him as he went back toward his room.
She waited until he closed his door before she looked at me in search of some sort of answer as to why my face was bright red. I felt like she had to know there was something going on between Erik and I, but she didn’t seem to care. Kaitlin was a good friend and someone I could count on no matter what stupid