“You’re afraid of failing,” Kimber said.
“Maybe. I guess. I don’t know.”
“My family wanted me home. I couldn’t stand the idea of them constantly asking me how things were going. Or what I was going to do when I got out. It was too much pressure.”
Her words resonated with me very much. If I had called Spencer, I was one hundred percent sure he would have asked me to come with him to his family’s house. Hell, my own brother and father might have even asked me to come home if they had known I had a break. But it seemed so damn stressful to consider letting outsiders into my treatment.
I didn’t want to disappoint them. Kimber was right – I didn’t want to be a failure. I wanted to finish my treatment and go back home in total control of myself. I wanted to be that guy they all looked up to and talked about what a great example I was. But even I wasn’t convinced I could really be that guy. My sobriety skills were so new that I didn’t have confidence in myself at all.
We finished our group session pretty quickly since there were only a few of us. I was excited to go swimming after. I hadn’t gotten the chance since the last time when Melanie and Cassidy had supervised us.
Swimming had always been a love of mine, and I had been so worried that I would fear water after what had happened before I arrived at treatment. But I was lucky that I didn’t remember much of
that night and most of my fears were compartmentalized to my dreams. It probably helped that when we swam at Paradise Peak, there was always a staff member around and I didn’t have to worry about drowning. Although, simply being sober while I was in the pool probably was the easiest way I could avoid drowning.
“Hey, Kaitlin, I was told I’d be able to swim a little. How is that going to work?”
“Cassidy will take you out. Let her finish rounding with the other patients and you guys can head out there in fifteen minutes or so.”
A smile flashed across my face. I was going to be alone with Cassidy in the heated swimming pool. My bad behavior genes rushed through me as I thought about all the naughty things the two of us could do together if we were alone.
Then my practical side took over, and I remembered that I was trying to behave myself so she wouldn’t get in trouble at work. It was funny how much I had grown even in the female department. When I was back at home, I couldn’t remember ever thinking about the consequences of having sex with a woman.
I used a condom and that was all I cared about. When a girl had a broken heart or got angry when I asked her to leave, I really didn’t have any emotion about it at all. It was just how I was, and I cringed as I remembered my old ways. I had been an absolute jerk and there was no way around it. I couldn’t defend my past behavior whatsoever. Nothing about how I treated women was how a respectable man should act.
Respect seemed to be a new theme in my conscious thought. I wanted my family to respect me. I wanted my business partner to respect me. Hell, I even wanted Cassidy to respect me. I felt like an actual adult as I worked to rebuild all the relationships from my past and possibly the ones of my future.
Fifteen minutes went by, then thirty. I had started to think that Cassidy didn’t want to be alone with me in a pool.
“How did you manage this one?” she asked as she stood in my open doorway with her plain, red swimsuit on and a towel wrapped around her.
“Hey, I’m innocent here. I just wanted to go for a swim.”
“All right, let’s get this over with,” she teased as she motioned for me to follow her. “The torture of my job is real.”
“You did have a woman almost die in your arms the other day. I think you deserve a fun day of swimming to make up for it. How long do we have?”
“As long as we want, I guess. Nothing really going on until the night shift arrives at dinner time.”
“Oh, as long as we want,” I said and winked at her.
I couldn’t help it. When she was near me, my body was in sexual overdrive and all I could think about was her body. I seriously didn’t want to flirt with her like I was, but I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to leave her alone and let her do her job, but she had my whole body feeling energized and I reverted back to my old flirting ways…at least a little bit back to those ways.
“No funny business, mister.”
“I’ll be super serious then.” I laughed.
The truth was I was going to swim in the pool and enjoy the water. No matter what crazy urges I had, I couldn’t follow them. If she was in the shallow end, I’d go to the deep end. If Cassidy got into the hot tub, I’d get out of the hot tub. Distance was my friend. I planned to keep as much of it between the two of us as possible.
“So, you still didn’t decide to go home for the holiday?” she asked jokingly.
“I was thinking of calling my friend Spencer, but it’s too late now. I think I was just afraid I’d mess up while I was outside of this place. It’s weird, I’m starting to feel very comfortable here.”
“It’s normal. Treatment is like a second home. You know there’s no drugs or alcohol, so it’s easy to stay sober. Trust me, though, it’s hard as hell to stay sober outside of here. I went dancing with Kaitlin last night and almost cried I wanted to drink so badly.”
“Shit, that is so discouraging.”
“I don’t say it to scare you. It’s just the truth. And try dancing while you’re sober.” Her eyes got big and dramatic. “I’m the worst dancer I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t believe I had actually danced in front of people while drunk before.”