“It seems very erotic.”
“I think we should stop this conversation right here,” I said as I moved away from him a little.
The desire I had for him to touch me rushed through my body totally uncontrolled. My chest heaved as I pulled in a deep breath and tried not to think about Erik or what his hands could do to my body.
“You’re trying to behave, aren’t you?” he asked mischievously.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said with a totally fake tone in my voice.
Obviously, I was trying to behave. Every time we were alone together, the sexual tension was huge. I wanted Erik to come home with me to my family’s house. I wanted him to get a break and have a real Christmas, but I didn’t want those things just because I found him incredibly attractive.
And, man oh man, did I find him attractive. My thoughts were stuck on him, especially since he had become nicer and friendlier in recent days. He seemed like a genuinely good guy now and that was even sexier than before. I certainly wasn’t into the whole bad boy thing, at all.
“You do what you need to do, boo.” He laughed and put his arms up on the back of the hot tub.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I understand if you have to pretend like you don’t like me. I get it. It’s cool.”
Now he was just becoming infuriating. I wasn’t pretending. Okay, maybe I was. But who was he to call me out on it? Erik was the issue here. Him and his romantic touching and seductive eyes. If he would just stay away from me with all of that, then there wouldn’t be any issues, at all.
“Oh, don’t you start with me.”
“I get it. You’re not into good-looking rich guys. It’s cool. Not all girls like the same things. I’m sure I’ll find a girl who’s into me sooner or later.”
He was hamming it up, and as much as I tried not to laugh, I felt myself slipping into a hidden giggle. Then, I started to play along, just for the fun of it. Our conversations flowed so casually that I almost felt like I could do or say anything I wanted. He was funny and easy to get along with and definitely someone I wanted to get to know more.
“Yeah, I’m not really into guys with money and looks. I prefer men who live at home and don’t necessarily have all of their teeth. I’m sorry, it’s just my thing.”
“Totally understand. You’re not really my cup of tea, either. If I’m being totally honest.”
“What? Shut up,” I said as I stood up.
“No, I’m serious. You’re freakishly beautiful. I could never date a woman like you. Man, I’d be freaked out all the time that people were looking at you and then wondering why you stooped so low to date a wretch like me. I couldn’t handle it.”
“You’re seriously crazy.” I laughed.
“Actually, I’m pretty sure they cleared me of being crazy.”
He was funny. I loved that. I had my own sarcastic wit that was sometimes hard for people to understand, so it felt good that he got it. I hated when I was being sarcastic and someone just looked at me with a blank stare like I had just said the most horrible thing ever. Sarcasm was definitely an acquired taste.
“I’m going to get dried off and finish up my charting here. You need to get dried off and pack. I’ll leave my address on a piece of paper in your room later.”
“This is so clandestine. I feel like you’d make a good CIA agent. Wait, maybe you already are an agent and this is all some ploy to get me over to your house so you can have your way with me.”
“Why would a CIA agent want you?” I laughed.
“Hey, they might. I’m really good with technology.”
“For now, I don’t want you. Let’s just have a good holiday. Okay?”
I really did want him. I knew he knew that. But I wasn’t ready to go for it. There were damn morals still in my way. Maybe it was perfectly okay to date a patient, or maybe it wasn’t. But I knew as a recovering alcoholic that having any sort of relationship with someone wasn’t recommended when you were first in recovery. All your time needed to be spent on yourself and that was it. I would be a hypocrite if I tried to get Erik to pay attention to me.
As we walked through the frigid air and back into the building, our little date night was over and we were flush with reality again. Guilt was the driving emotion as we walked back onto the unit. I saw how Kaitlin looked at me and I wanted to tell her what was going on, but certainly couldn’t do that after our night out on the town.
Kaitlin had tried to fix me up with a guy, and I had refused her. We went around and around over Erik, also. I told her it was because I wasn’t ready. I went on and on how my sobriety was a priority in my life and I wasn’t going to mess that up. I had made such a big scene of the issue that she would certainly have been pissed if I came out an admitted to actually liking him.
I gathered my things, finished my work, changed, and dropped off my address in Erik’s room as he ate out in the main area with the other patients. I had to get home and explain my made up story for why Erik would be coming over to the house for Christmas and why he’d need to spend the night.