“Nope.” I wasn’t budging.
Mattie walked around the table and sat next to me. “You’re not too sharp for a lawyer. That wasn’t a question, son. You are going to tell me why you’re drinking.” She searched my eyes. “Does this have anything to do with Lexa?” I cringed as she spoke the name. “Oh yeah. That’s what this is all about.”
“She lied to me.”
“You’re drinking like this over a woman who lied?” She gave me a sideward look and shook her head. She wasn’t buying it.
“It wasn’t some simple lie. All this time I think I’m dating Lexa Lively and her real name is Alexandra Patterson.” I met her eyes and her widened. She clutched the beads around her neck and muttered sweet Jesus.
“She’s related to Shawn? And, you didn’t know it?”
“His sister. I knew he had a sister, but I hadn’t ever met her. Hell, I was just getting to know Shawn.”
“That’s some kind of betrayal. What was her game?” Mattie’s eyes narrowed, and her mouth turned down.
“She says nothing. She met me and liked me and didn’t know how to tell me. How about just tack it on during all those conversations we had about my family dying and the lawsuit?” I let out a long breath, and Mattie placed her hand on my arm.
“You’re in love with that girl.”
“Yeah, and look where that got me: right back where I started, except now I get to feel worse.”
“I imagine she’s feeling pretty bad, too. You know, losing her brother wasn’t easy. Maybe you filled something for her. Maybe she got in over her head and didn’t know what to do.” I didn’t want to hear her defend Lexa.
“You’re supposed to be on my side.” I folded my arms and leaned back.
“I am always on your side, baby boy. Don’t you ever forget that. But you’ve got to try and understand all sides of this if you’re ever going to get past it and move on.”
“I’m hoping I can forget about her. So far, I’m failing miserably.”
“You’re not going to quit loving her. Love doesn’t work that way. It might turn bitter and wither, but the roots remain. You can either tend to them and let things blossom, or you can ignore them and let them lay dormant, but you’re going to have to do something.”
“Yeah, great options, Mattie. Thanks a lot.” I stood, but she grabbed my arm to stop me.
“I’ll tell you a little secret I learned a long time ago. Sometimes if you tend those
roots, you find that love grows stronger. You ever notice how after we have a hurricane, those old trees that don’t break, they just come back lusher the next year? They’re fuller, stronger, and able to withstand whatever life throws at them.”
I understood what she was trying to say, but I wasn’t one of those trees that had survived the storm. I’d been splintered by a tornado, shaken and ripped apart and left in shreds.
“Thanks, Mattie.” It was all I could say to get away from her. I didn’t feel like a talk, even though her words stayed with me.
I wondered if I had helped Lexa with her grief over Shawn’s death the same way she’d helped me with all of mine. And if her parents hadn’t put her up to it, why couldn’t she have been honest so we could have leaned on each other? She’d cheated me out of being there for her, and it was just one more thing I could add to the growing list of reasons to be pissed off.
I went upstairs and stripped down to get in the shower. As I stepped under the spray, I closed my eyes and remembered Lexa naked there with me. Her arms were tied up, her tight nipples, hard as pebbles, tipping her soft breasts, and the perfect clef that was decorated by her trimmed tuft of hair. She was perfect. A perfect mess.
I made busy with the soap and then stood back under the spray to rinse wishing it was as easy to wash away my feelings for her. It could have been so perfect. If she had been the Lexa I thought she was, the one I’d fallen in love with.
I got out and stood in the mirror, looking at my mug. I’d shaved off my beard for court, and now I had a nice shadow as it attempted to return. I grabbed my razor and smoothed it down — no need to go back to who I had been, at least not with the beard.
I threw on some jeans and a faded tee and headed out to drown some more feelings. Despite going back to get my truck, I hadn’t managed to apologize to Glen yet, and he meant too much to me to let that go on too long. I’d been a real dick, and there was no excuse.
On my way, when I had gotten up on the interstate, I noticed a little red Camaro about three cars ahead. There was only one person it could be. My heart did a flip, and I sped up to get behind her. She had to have been headed to work, but she didn’t notice me. I wondered what it would be like if we’d never met. I only came up with two words: sad and easier.
I took the next exit, even though it wasn’t the one I needed. I knew if I didn’t, I’d follow her all the way to the hospital. She didn’t need a stalker.
Inside Jay’s Pub, people lined the walls and crowded around tables for a pool tournament, and when Glen saw me, he went the other way. I couldn’t blame him, but at least my stool was still empty. I walked across the room and parked myself in my usual spot and knocked against the counter. Glen took his time, but finally made his way over and placed my beer in front of me.
“How’s it going?” His usual enthusiasm for me was gone.