“What is it?” I said before I even sat down.
“Okay, I’m not trying to be judgmental or anything,” she said right before she said something judgmental. “But does he really look like the kind of guy who likes to work with computers?”
“Mattie! People say that about me, too, and you know how much I hate it,” I said.
“I know, I’m not judging. He obviously was good at his job. I’m just saying he looked more like a hired hit man than an IT professional.”
“You know, I’m not going to have this conversation with you. Let’s get back to talking about what I should wear tonight on my date with Brandon.”
I had literally been thinking about Brandon since the last time I saw him. On a couple of occasions, I thought about texting him and then deleted my message and decided not to send it. My emotions were on edge about everything going on with him.
Love hadn’t been something I’d thought I was capable of after losing my husband. I could love my son, of course, that was a different sort of love than having a man around.
Even the few hours I’d spent with Brandon had started the process of opening my eyes to the possibilities that were out there. I didn’t have to make him my forever love, but just being with him was building up my confidence that someday I’d find love again. Maybe it would be him, or maybe it would be someone entirely different; I wasn’t going to worry about it. All I cared about was that I had happiness rushing through me again, and I wasn’t going to let it go just yet.
“You’re going to wear that red gown in your closet. I thought we had already had this conversation and made this decision. Don’t mess with perfection.”
“Ugh, that dress is so revealing. We are going to the theater, not a strip show.”
“Excuse me! That dress was my dress, and I wore it to my step-brother’s wedding.”
“That’s weird,” I teased her.
“The colors were black and red. It wasn’t weird. And, it barely shows any cleavage. I think your definition of revealing and mine are totally different. Plus, you had a string bikini on already around him; I think any dress is going to be a step up.”
“Yeah, I did,” I smiled as I thought back to our little swim out to the island. “That bikini doesn’t leave much to the imagination. I probably shouldn’t have agreed to that whole swimming on the first date thing.”
“Yes, you should have agreed, and you did. For once, you need to stop second-guessing every decision you make. Just go have fun with this guy. Stop worrying if you love him or he loves you. Stop worrying if you’re wearing the right thing or saying the right thing. For once, just have some fun and relax. Can you at least give it a try?”
“I’m relaxed,” I said. “I’ve been funny and irreverent. You’d even want to screw me if you’d been on our first date.”
“Let’s not talk about my wild college years. I’m trying to forget those.”
Mattie was much funnier than I could ever hope to be. Her quick wit was just one of the things I admired about her. No matter how off-track I seemed to get since losing Spencer, she had always been there to guide me back.
Our friendship was a gift that came to me in my darkest days. It was nearly impossib
le to imagine that this woman, who was my best friend now, hardly knew me at all before I lost my husband. Over the years, we had shared our college stories and came to the conclusion that we probably wouldn’t have been friends if we hadn’t ended up sitting next to each other at work. It was amazing how life could bring two people together in seemingly random ways.
“Fine, I’ll wear the red one,” I said.
“And you’ll like it, damn it.”
The rest of the work day flew by and I even snuck out a little early to get home and get ready. You would think that two hours was enough time to get dolled up for a date, but I really wanted four. There was showering, shaving, moisturizing, primping, and makeup to do. All so I could look like I hardly worked at all to get ready.
By six-thirty, I was pacing my living room and trying to calm myself down. I had already talked with Connor on the phone and said goodnight. Eating something seemed silly, but my stomach was turning with excitement, so I made a little peanut butter toast and sat down while I waited.
Dating wasn’t as easy as it had been when I was younger. Although, I really hadn’t dated all that much besides Spencer, I remembered it being easier. When Spencer came to get me for dates, I wasn’t nervous at all: I simply ran out of my parents’ house to his car and we took off for the night. Things were different now. So many things were different.
After finishing my toast, I grabbed a towel and wiped my armpits. I felt like I was already sweating and I hadn’t even left the house yet. It was crazy how nervous I was because this was technically my third date with Brandon. We had already done some pretty damn intimate things together so there was no reason for me to be so nervous – yet I was.
I practiced some deep breathing, checked my makeup a few more times, added some additional deodorant, and there was still twenty minutes until Brandon was supposed to arrive. Finally, I fell onto my couch and started to flip through a magazine to keep my mind busy as I waited.
Nothing helped. I couldn’t calm down. My mind raced with the possibilities of the night and how things could either go wonderfully, or absolutely terribly. In my mind, those were the only two options to most situations in my life.
“Mattie, I’m freaking out; you need to calm me down,” I said as I frantically dialed her number.
“You’re fine. Stop getting in your head so much and have a drink,” she said. “Do you even own any alcohol?”