“Which you think I did.”
“I’m not saying that.”
“But you’re implying it.”
She didn’t say anything; neither did I. We both sat there, at something of an impasse. I wasn’t sure what I had been hoping would come of going to a therapy appointment, but I sure as hell did not like sitting here feeling like this lady I didn’t even know was judging me.
After I left my appointment, I texted Ben and asked how they were doing. He said that he and Declan were having a good time riding bikes around, so I decided to take a little walk. I parked at Moose Lake and took the walking trail around the lake. I wouldn’t go the whole way around because that would take me half the evening, but I walked far enough in that I was surrounded by woods on one side with a nice lake view on the other. I tried to imagine that Allie was there with me because that’s all I really wanted.
And if she was there with me right then, I let it play out how it would go if I were to tell her about Declan, about Marissa, about all of that. Why I felt like I needed to break up with her to begin with. Allie, I made a promise when Declan was a baby that I would do right by him because it was partially my responsibility for why this was happening in the first place.
We didn’t know that Marissa was pregnant; my mother certainly had no idea when she had come to me that night and asked me if I would try to get the message through to Sam in another way, one that might leave a more lasting impression. Maybe if that hadn’t happened, they would have agreed to stop using, they’d do it together for their baby, and they’d be raising Declan instead of me. Declan would be with his two real parents, and my mother would eventually get over her dislike for Sam; she would have had to because he was her daughter’s husband, her grandson’s father.
Branches slapped at my arms and face as I walked the trail; it had gotten overgrown as the summer had gone on. There were so many possibilities for the way things might have gone, but this was the way they had turned out.
I would talk to Allie. If she didn’t want to
take me back, I would understand that, I would deserve it. I hated the idea that I was going to come across as indecisive, but if it meant that she and I might be able to get back together, then it was worth it.
I did not tell Ben my plan; after I got back, we hung out for a little while, I put Declan to bed, and then he took off. Not long after Ben left, though, there was a knock at the door. I went to answer it, surprised to see that it was Allie.
“Hi,” she said, an uncertain note in her voice. “Is Declan asleep?”
“Yeah,” I said. “He is. Come on in.” I stepped back so she could come in. “I was just having a beer on the deck. Would you care to join me?”
“I’ll sit with you on the deck,” she said. “But I’m going to hold off on the beer for now. There’s something I wanted to talk about.”
“Okay,” I said as we walked back outside to the deck. “There was actually something that I wanted to talk to you about too, but you go first.”
Just being this close to her was hard; I wanted to reach over and pull her to me, feel her in my arms again.
“Ben told me everything,” she said.
I let the words sink in, at first not quite believing what I was hearing. “He did what?”
“Don’t be mad at him.”
“I’m not... exactly, I guess,” I said, though I did feel surprised. “You mean, he told you everything about...?”
“About Declan.”
“Why?”
“Because he thought I should know. He thought that it might explain a little bit why you suddenly broke up with me.”
“I see,” I said. Now it felt strange to be sitting here with her, knowing that she knew the one secret I had never thought anyone else would ever know.
“I could say I wish you would have told me, but I understand why you didn’t,” Allie said.
“Would it have changed anything?”
“No. Well, it wouldn’t have changed how I felt about you. How I feel about you. I love you, Cole. I still love you, even though you broke up with me. I think I can understand a little bit better why you did, but that doesn’t change how I feel. I can’t just stop feeling something for you, even if that would make my life a whole hell of a lot easier. And I didn’t come over here tonight expecting you to change your mind about anything. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be thrilled if you did, but... I just wanted you to know that I still do love you, and that I get why you felt like you had to end things, but...”
Her voice trailed off, and I could tell that she was trying not to cry. I reached over and took her hand.
“Allie,” I said. “I hate to see you like this. I hate to think that I hurt you, because you don’t deserve that. And it’s funny, you coming over here tonight to talk because I’d just been thinking that I wanted to talk to you, and I was trying to decide when a good time for that would be. I shouldn’t have broken up with you like that. I didn’t want to; I was just so freaked out by what had happened with Declan that I reacted, and it certainly wasn’t in the right way. I realize that now, and what I’d been planning on talking to you about was whether or not you thought we could get back together. Because that is what I would really like to see happen. And I’m sorry for putting you through all of this in the first place.”
“I’m so glad to hear you say that,” she said. “I’ve been miserable without you.” She took a deep breath. “There. It feels good to say it out loud. Even if that’s not what I’m supposed to be saying.”