“You look like you’ve had a good day,” Kaitlin said from the nurses’ station as she buzzed me back onto the unit.
“It was better than I expected.”
“A couple more days of this and you’ll be in a room with a door,” she said dramatically.
“I can’t wait.”
“Yeah, it’s always nice to have a little privacy. If you want some snacks, there’s fruit out there. Otherwise, nothing much going on this evening. I’ll just be over here trying to stay awake.”
“Yeah, why are you working so late tonight?” I asked as I tried to hold a normal conversation.
It was surprisingly hard for me to have a decent conversation while at Paradise Peak. I was out of my element, and everything I said seemed to sound ridiculously nerdy to me. There certainly wasn’t a way to act cool when you were in a rehab center. It was also hard for me to talk to people I didn’t know without alcohol in my system, that was something I had to get used to again.
“Susan’s brother died,” Kaitlin said. “Really sad. I guess it was sudden and unexpected.”
“That is sad. I’m sorry.”
“We all die eventually. Make sure you’re keeping in touch with your loved ones. Sooner or later, they will be gone. You don’t want to have any remorse about that.”
“Very true,” I said and quickly made my way back to my room.
Her words had hit me when I was vulnerable. I had just spent the entire day in and out of groups and therapy. My emotions were raw. I couldn’t help but think about what I would feel if I lost my brother or my father. We fought and were angry with each other, but I would be sad if they died. I would be crushed if I never had the opportunity to see them again. I wasn’t sure they would feel as bad if I died, but I knew in that moment that I was going to have to reach out to them, even if it was only for my own personal wellbeing.
Chapter Nine
Cassidy
I did everything in my power to avoid Erik for the rest of the day after our incident in the craft closet. His touch had felt like velvet on my skin. My hips had thrust toward him in an instinctual urge to have him pull me closer. It had been a very long time since I had felt such physical attraction, and I certainly couldn’t remember a man coming straight out and telling me I was beautiful.
But it was all for nothing. I wasn’t going to let things go any further than they already had. I was happy he wasn’t angry with me and really proud that he was up and participating in programming again, but that was it. Nothing more.
Nothing about the moment was right, at least it wasn’t right for a treatment facility. I wasn’t even sure I liked the guy a
s a human being yet; he was really an ass at times. But there was no denying that the sexual chemistry between the two of us was off the charts. Simply having his hand on me literally made my knees go weak.
I could fantasize a little about him, no harm could come from that. But nothing more than fantasies would ever happen between us. I would make sure of that. Or at least, I would try my hardest. But as I left work and headed home, my mind was swirling with the idea of what kind of lover he was. I imagined his lips against mine and how that would make me feel. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
By the time I got home, all I could think about was Erik. I thought about his smile, the way he had called me beautiful, and I tried to analyze everything he said and did to see what it was he was trying to get from me.
That’s what addicts did: they used their charms to get what they wanted. I knew addicts well. I had been one, after all. I wanted to believe Erik was playing some sort of game with me, but I couldn’t come up with anything I could offer the man that would be reason enough for him to give me such a compliment.
I wasn’t in charge of anything at the treatment facility. In fact, I was lower on the totem pole than even the janitor was; at least the janitor had keys to every room. I had to get buzzed on and off the secured unit. To be honest, Erik probably had a better chance of getting what he wanted without even talking to me. He was paying cash for his stay, which was a valuable commodity in our industry.
Could it be possible that he actually thinks I am beautiful? I wondered. I didn’t see how a guy like him would even see beauty in a girl like me. I was rough around the edges, nothing polished or fake on me. My boobs were decent sized, but not fake and large like the women in California. I had a slim waist, but my ass was voluptuous, there was no denying it, and I couldn’t hide, especially because I loathed working out so much. I stood in front of my mirror and looked at myself. I wasn’t hideous, but I wasn’t a model, either. I suspected a guy like Erik was used to dating models and celebrities.
“Cassidy, dinner is ready,” my mother hollered from the stairs.
I liked living at home. I knew to some people it seemed like I had failed because I was back at home with my parents, but for me, it was right. I needed their love around me as I recovered and got myself back on track. I certainly hadn’t expected to stay at home for as long as I had, but until something better came up, I was perfectly happy right where I was.
My parents were good to me, and I couldn’t imagine that I would be leaving their house anytime soon. Probably not until I found a college to go to – if a college actually took me into one of their programs.
“There’s my girl,” my father said as I sat down at the table. “How was your work at that place today? Are you ready to throw in the towel and come work the slopes? Christmas season sure is a busy one this year.”
“Oh, I almost forgot to tell you guys, I hiked up the ridge with some patients the other day. It was so beautiful up there. That path sure did look good, Dad. I know you worked really hard on it.”
“You hiked?” my mother asked.
The look on her face made it seem like I never did anything physical at all. Sure, I only liked to walk on the treadmill at the gym – and I hardly ever actually got to the gym. But I wasn’t disabled; I did have the ability to walk. She didn’t have to look at me like I had suddenly turned green or something.