From what I remembered of my mother and father’s relationship, my mother had guided most of the decisions in the house. Even up until the day she died, my mother had been in charge.
It was my mother who taught us boys how to be nice, although we seemed to have forgotten that lesson after she passed away. It was my mother who had shown me leniency when I was a naughty child; she had given me love when I didn’t think I needed it. My mother had been the one true thing in my life, and as I sat there watching Cassidy’s family interact, I felt myself getting misty eyed.
If my mother hadn’t died, I could have had a family Christmas similar to the one I was at. If my mother hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have run to drugs and alcohol to numb my life away.
“Where’s the restroom?” I asked as I pushed my chair out and stood up quickly.
“Don’t the hall, first door on the right,” Katherine said.
I couldn’t even reply with a thank you, as I hurried off and out of the room before they all saw the tears in my eyes. Crying wasn’t my thing. I didn’t like to cry. Most of my life, I hadn’t really understood the reason so many people cried. But as I slammed the bathroom door behind me, I felt tears as they rolled down my face. I was definitely crying.
My hand grabbed onto my chest as it tightened and I tried to pull in a deep breath. I wanted a deep breath. My body needed to calm down, and Jarrod wasn’t anywhere to be seen. My whole life, I had longed to have a loving family like Cassidy had, and there I was, sitting right in the middle of the most perfect Christmas dinner ever.
The tricky thing about anxiety is that the more you want a panic attack to stop, the more it will tighten in your chest. I had just recently started to have panic attacks and barely knew what they were, let alone how to stop them. I desperately wished Jarrod was there so he could calm me down.
But this was part of being on leave. I looked at myself in the mirror and watched my lungs expand as I took a deep breath. The mirror was actually very helpful because it counteracted my brain that was telling me I couldn’t breathe. As I watched my body take in a deep breath and let it out again, I felt myself calming.
Again and again, I took in as much air as I could in an effort to push past the panic that was in my mind and prove that my body really had control.
“You know what to do,” I told myself in the mirror. “Deep breaths. Don’t think about anything else. Just breathe.”
I replayed the words that Jarrod had said to me as he calmed me down. I knew what to do. I hadn’t done it on my own before, but I really did know what to do. As I finally regained control over my breathing, I looked at myself and felt pride in what I had accomplished. I had actually taken back control over my fears, and even in the midst of a very emotional moment, I was all right.
There was a knock on the door.
“Everything okay?” I heard Cassidy whisper at the door.
“I’m okay. Just give me a minute.”
“Did you have a panic attack?”
I flung the door opened and pulled her into the bathroom. She couldn’t have just guessed that I had a panic attack. How did she know?
“Was I loud? Did your family hear?”
“No, I just remembered you had one at work. Is there anything I can get you?”
“Just give me a minute, and I’ll come back out. I’m really sorry for ruining the night. I was just so overwhelmed by your perfect family.”
Cassidy started to laugh. God, I loved to watch her laugh. Her whole face lit up with joy and I honestly felt like the room got brighter when the joy exploded from her like that. I knew her family wasn’t perfect; no family really is perfect. But her family was much better than mine and seemed perfect enough to me.
“Perfect? My father just left the table to go watch sports and my mom is grumbling under her breath while she does the dishes. No one’s family is perfect, Erik.”
“Thanks,” I said as I gave her a hug.
She hugged me back and then slipped out of the bathroom to give me a few moments to pull myself back together. It was funny how I had hugged her and hadn’t actually thought about anything else except what a nice person she was.
Cassidy was a nice person, and I had taken advantage of that by flirting with her and kissing her. She didn’t deserve to have some patient all up on her like that. I felt badly for how I had behaved; it was my addict personality. I always wanted more. If someone gave me one minute of their time, I wanted five. If I had one piece of candy, I wanted ten. If a beautiful woman who worked at my treatment facility was nice to me, I wanted to sleep with her. It was a rotten way of thinking and something I had to work on.
Chapter Fifteen
Cassidy
“Are you ready for Miracle on 34th Street?” I asked Erik when he finally joined us in the living room. “This is one of my all-time favorite movies.”
“I’ve never heard of it.”