“How’s that working for you?” he asked.
“It’s a work in progress, but it’s much better than it used to be,” I said. “Now, I figure out what I need first, and then think about what other people need. No more putting everyone else’s needs before my own, and no more denying who I am in order to make someone else feel comfortable.”
“That is probably the healthiest way to live one’s life,” he smiled. “But it’s not always easy to do, is it?”
“It’s really not easy at all,” I said. “I find myself constantly pulled back into the bad habits I’ve spent a lifetime developing, and then I get depressed because it feels like I’ll never change. I lose hope and, well, you see what happens.” I shrugged as I tipped my head and grimaced, recalling the previous night.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Brian offered. “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
“God, I hate that phrase,” I muttered. “Why does everyone think that’s at all helpful?”
“I’m sorry,” he chuckled. “You’re right, it’s kind of stupid to say that to someone who is in the middle of something really stressful and trying to change the situation.”
“It really is,” I said earnestly.
Brian leaned back on the couch and pulled me toward him. I resisted for a moment, and then let myself be pulled into his embrace. It felt good to have his strong arms wrapped around me and feel his chin resting on the top of my head. I pressed my cheek against his chest and listened to him breathing as I closed my eyes and willed myself to relax.
“That’s it,” he whispered into my hair as he gently stroked my back. “Just relax. You’re safe with me, Ava. I promise. I won’t let anything bad happen to you while you’re with me.”
I nodded slowly and tried to believe that what he was promising was true, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to let go and trust him. I wanted to, but I also knew that people often made promises that they couldn’t keep—even when they wanted to.
Maybe he’ll be different.
*****
“What was it like growing up so rich?” Brian asked as he continued to run his hands up and down my back.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean, I grew up in a family that lived paycheck to paycheck, so I can’t imagine what it would be like to have all that money,” he admitted. “I’m just curious what it was like.”
“Well, it’s not as great as you’d think,” I said. “I mean, it’s great in the sense that you don’t have to worry about anything. You always have everything you need and often times even more than you need. I always had new clothes and the best books and games, but then, so did most of my friends, so it was like that was the normal way things were.” I sat and thought about it for a while, and then I tried to explain. “Until I came to college, I really didn’t know anyone who didn’t live like my family lived. It wasn’t that I was totally unaware that other people lived differently than we did, it just wasn’t my reality.”
“That makes sense,” he acknowledged. “I didn’t know what it was like not to live like we lived.”
“I don’t want to compare our lives,” I said. “But being wealthy has it’s own set of challenges that, in many ways, make things less stable. There are rules and ways of behaving that don’t make sense in any other environment, and I always felt like I was being watched. However, I also always felt like I was absolutely alone. Like there was no one there to take care of me because they wanted to, everyone was only part of my life because my father paid them.” I stopped and looked up at him.
“It’s true,” he said. “I’m here because you father hired me, but I’m staying because I care about you, Ava.”
“That’s what they always say,” I lamented. “Until the money stops flowing and they go away. I don’t feel like anyone in my life is permanent because I know that money determines their loyalty.”
“Even your friends?” he asked.
“Lara and Jessie are my friends until they decide that they need someone more powerful or richer to lead the group,” I said.
“Wow, that’s kind of sad.”
“Is it?” I asked. “Or is it simply pragmatic? If I know that most people are going to abandon ship when the money runs out, why would I spend time expecting them to stay?”
Brian considered this for a moment and then nodded in understanding.
“I think that’s why I was so drawn to Dominic,” I said. “He didn’t need me for the money. His family is 10 times wealthier than mine, and so if my money ran out it really didn’t matter. I wanted to believe that he loved me just for me and not for what I could do for him or what I could give him.”
“That makes sense,” Brian agreed.
“The problem was that he also knew that I was the poor little rich girl whose parents really didn’t have a whole lot to do with her, so he knew he could exploit me, but that’s getting away from what you asked,” I reminded him.
He nodded and then said, “Back to what it was l