Then suddenly there were some in my body.
But there was no pain, even when I went into a spin, when the wings of my plane went flip, flip, flip, faster and faster, when the blue sky and the black sea chased each other round and round until there was no longer any sky or sea but just the flashing of the sun as I turned. But the black crosses were following me down, still dancing and still holding hands and I could still hear the singing of their engines. "Here comes a candle to light you to bed, here comes a chopper to chop off your head," sang the engines.
Still the wings went flip flip, flip, flip, and there was neither sky nor sea around me, but only the sun.
Then there was only the sea. I could see it below me and I could see the white horses, and I said to myself, "Those are white horses riding a rough sea." I knew then that my brain was going well because of the white horses and because of the sea. I knew that there was not much time because the sea and the white horses were nearer, the white horses were bigger and the sea was like a sea and like water, not like a smooth place. Then there was only one white horse, rushing forward madly with his bit in his teeth, foaming at the mouth, scattering the spray with his hooves and arching his neck as he ran. He galloped on madly over the sea, riderless and uncontrollable, and I could tell that we were going to crash.
After that it was warmer, and there were no black crosses and there was no sky. But it was only warm because it was not hot and it was not cold. I was sitting in a great red chair made of velvet and it was evening. There was a wind blowing from behind.
"Where am I?" I said.
"You are missing. You are missing, believed killed."
"Then I must tell my mother."
"You can't. You can't use that phone."
"Why not?"
"It goes only to God."
"What did you say I was?"
"Missing, believed killed."
"That's not true. It's a lie. It's a lousy lie because here I am and I'm not missing. You're just trying to frighten me and you won't succeed. You won't succeed, I tell you, because I know it's a lie and I'm going back to my squadron. You can't stop me because I'll just go. I'm going, you see, I'm going."
I got up from the red chair and began to run.
"Let me see those X-rays again, nurse."
"They're here, doctor." This was the woman's voice again, and now it came closer. "You have been making a noise tonight, haven't you? Let me straighten your pillow for you, you're pushing it on to the floor." The voice was close and it was very soft and nice.
"Am I missing?"
"No, of course not. You're fine."
"They said I was missing."
"Don't be silly; you're fine."
Oh everyone's silly, silly, silly, but it was a lovely day, and I did not want to run but I couldn't stop. I kept on running across the grass and I couldn't stop because my legs were carrying me and I had no control over them. It was as if they did not belong to me, although when I looked down I saw that they were mine, that the shoes on the feet were mine and that the legs were joined to my body. But they would not do what I wanted; they just went on running across the field and I had to go with them. I ran and ran and ran, and although in some places the field was rough and bumpy, I never stumbled. I ran past trees and hedges and in one field there were some sheep which stopped their eating and scampered off as I ran past them. Once I saw my mother in a pale grey dress bending down picking mushrooms, and as I ran past she looked up and said, "My basket's nearly full; shall we go home soon?" but my legs wouldn't stop and I had to go on.
Then I saw the cliff ahead and I saw how dark it was beyond the cliff. There was this great cliff and beyond it there was nothing but darkness, although the sun was shining in the field wh
ere I was running. The light of the sun stopped dead at the edge of the cliff and there was only darkness beyond. "That must be where the night begins," I thought, and once more I tried to stop but it was not any good. My legs began to go faster towards the cliff and they began to take longer strides, and I reached down with my hand and tried to stop them by clutching the cloth of my trousers, but it did not work; then I tried to fall down. But my legs were nimble, and each time I threw myself I landed on my toes and went on running.
Now the cliff and the darkness were much nearer and I could see that unless I stopped quickly I should go over the edge. Once more I tried to throw myself to the ground and once more I landed on my toes and went on running.
I was going fast as I came to the edge and I went straight on over it into the darkness and began to fall.
At first it was not quite dark. I could see little trees growing out of the face of the cliff, and I grabbed at them with my hands as I went down. Several times I managed to catch hold of a branch, but it always broke off at once because I was so heavy and because I was falling so fast, and once I caught a thick branch with both hands and the tree leaned forward and I heard the snapping of the roots one by one until it came away from the cliff and I went on falling. Then it became darker because the sun and the day were in the fields far away at the top of the cliff, and as I fell I kept my eyes open and watched the darkness turn from grey-black to black, from black to jet black and from jet black to pure liquid blackness which I could touch with my hands but which I could not see. But I went on falling, and it was so black that there was nothing anywhere and it was not any use doing anything or caring or thinking because of the blackness and because of the falling. It was not any use.
"You're better this morning. You're much better." It was the woman's voice again.
"Hallo."
"Hallo; we thought you were never going to get conscious."