Biker's Virgin

“Yes, Mom, I’m well aware of that fact, thank you.”

“I’m not saying it to try to insult you. I’m saying it because most guys your age are at least involved in a serious relationship.”

“Ben’s not. He’s my age.”

“Yes, well, Ben is a different story altogether. You’ve got a successful practice. Declan is great. And you and Allie seemed like a perfect match. Did something happen?”

“I lost Declan,” I said. “When we went down to Boston to see Allie’s mother, we went to the Children’s Museum, and on the way out, I lost him. Because I was kissing Allie.” Even now, I felt a shame inside of me, just admitting it.

My mother blinked. “But you obviously found him.”

“I shouldn’t have lost him like that in the first place. He saw a group of kids with a bunch of balloons, and he just took off after them, crossed a busy intersection with them, and went to the frozen yogurt shop and ordered himself a dish of soft serve. All while I was running around looking for him, completely losing my shit.”

“I didn’t realize that had happened,” she said. “I’m sorry, Cole. That must’ve been very scary for you.”

“It was. Luckily, he was safe. But the whole time, I kept thinking the worst, and that if something had happened to him, I’d never be able to forgive myself.”

“But nothing happened to him,” she said, sounding confused. “He’s safe and sound. Crisis averted.”

“You’re right,” I said. “And that’s extremely fortunate. I don’t want something like that to happen again.”

Declan came running in from out back just then, right as my mother was about to say something. I was glad for the interruption, though.

“Guess what!” Declan said. “I beat Grandpa! And I know he wasn’t just letting me win. He was actually trying really hard! Does anyone else want to try and beat me?”

“I will, bud,” I said, following him back out onto the deck, glad for the excuse to not continue the conversation with my mother.

I expected Allie to be at the Learning Center on Monday when I dropped Declan off, and I could tell that he was eager to see her, too. But there was another woman there, an older woman who had been in there before when a substitute was needed. I tried to act nonchalant when I asked one of the teachers, Amy, about where Allie was. I knew Allie and Amy hung out sometimes, but I didn’t know if Allie had told her anything.

“She’s taking some time off,” Amy said, and from the cool note in her voice, I was willing to bet that Allie had at least mentioned something to her about what had happened. I found myself wanting to offer my side of the story, to explain it to her, but I knew better. I knew how it would make me sound.

I met up with Ben at Perkins State Park, ready for a couple good hours of hard riding. Even that, though, an activity I had always enjoyed, even today that enjoyment seemed elusive. I gave both my body and my bike a good beating, but my brain kept spinning back to Allie, kept feeling like I had done something wrong.

“You’re losing your edge,” Ben said when we were back at the parking lot, guzzling the remainder of our water bottles. “I could’ve easily overtaken you on the way back.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Tradition? Courtesy?”

I tossed the empty water bottle onto the front seat of the car. I knew he was telling the truth; the whole way back I could feel him right behind me, and if he had gone to pass, I just wouldn’t have had it in me to hold him off. “So why didn’t you then? You could be gloating right now. Maybe I am losing my edge.”

“I don’t think so. But there is something going on.”

“Well, you’re right. You might as well know,” I said. “I broke things off with Allie.”

He gave me a surprised look. “You did?” he said. “Why the hell would you do something like that? I thought things were going great and shit.”

“The whole thing with Declan,” I said. “When we went to the city.” I shook my head. “I have never felt more afraid in my entire life. And it was my fault because I was too distracted with Allie.”

He kept looking at me, but not saying anything, as though he were waiting for me to continue. “So that’s what’s bothering me.”

&nbs

p; “And...?”

“What do you mean?”

“What else happened? Don’t tell me you broke up with her just because Declan happened to wander off. Kids are always doing shit like that. That’s like saying you broke up with her because he picked his nose and tried to eat it.”