Since they hadn't called me, I was beginning to hope they wouldn’t. Maybe they haven’t figured out yet that it was me. I didn’t think Jace would ever tell them. I might know that better if he would talk to me.
The church, unfortunately, is one of the biggest gossip mills around and I hadn't heard anything there yet. No one seemed to know what was going on. I did hear that it had been announced Jace would be away for a while, but never said why. There was a visiting priest covering for him.
I didn’t hear any of that first-hand. I got it from my customers who knew I attended their church.
I hadn’t been to church in a couple of weeks. I wanted to hear that they never found out, or they did, before I showed up with a scarlet letter on my chest. I did not want to find out when people were already whispering and giggling about me as I walk by. It wasn’t that I really cared what they thought about me, but I hated to think about the things they would say about Jace.
Then there was the simple fact that I missed him so badly that I ached. I was probably just being paranoid, but I was afraid that if people saw us together, I wouldn’t be able to hide how I felt.
So with all of this playing in the background, I went to work and I went home and I worried myself almost to death.
I also had to wonder why I couldn’t just stay away from him like this in the first place…then we wouldn’t be in this place. Maybe I hadn’t stayed away because then it was just lust. Lust is hard to ignore…but now I was pretty sure I loved him and staying away was what was in his best interest, and I wanted him to be happy more than anything.
I was pretty sure I was hopelessly, madly, head-over-heels in love with him and I was also pretty sure that he loved me, too.
Chapter Forty-Six
Jace
I waited nervously in the outer office for Bishop McDougal. I’d beat my brains trying to find the right decision. I kept waiting for a sign, but when I really searched within myself, I found out that I truly believed just meeting Daphne was the sign. I never should have been in that bar and it wasn’t a normal place for her to be, either…but we were both there.
I put everything together that had happened over the past couple of months and the way I was feeling about my choices and my faith after Grandmother died, and I finally came to the conclusion that there was no right and wrong. God gives us free will and that free will was telling me to follow my heart.
My heart was across town, with Daphne, and that’s where it wanted to stay.
“Father Jace? The Bishop will see you now,” his secretary said as she took me into his office. I took a chair opposite his desk and looked at the religious artifacts along the wall behind him. I still got a feeling of peace in my heart when I was in or around a church. I wasn’t as worried anymore that God and I wouldn’t be okay. I felt He’d given me His blessing.
I took a deep breath and I said, “How are you, sir?”
The bishop looked at me like he was waiting for me to drop a bomb. He thought I was there to confess. I suppose I could have, but I didn’t see the point. God knew what I had done. His opinion, and mine and Daphne’s, are all that really matter.
“I’m fine, Father,” he said. “What can I do for you?”
I knew I was doing the right thing, but from childhood, the leaders of the church had been my male role models. Sitting face to face with him and telling him this was different than practicing it in my head.
Quickly, before I lost my nerve I said, “I was wondering if I should step down and save the church the annoyance and embarrassment of having me investigated. I know these things can often take months, if not years, and you won’t be able to put a permanent replacement in place until it’s over. I want to do what’s best for the church. I also think that at this point in my life, it would be best for me.”
He raised a bushy gray eyebrow. “You’re willing to just give up your calling that easily?”
I sighed
, “May I speak frankly with you, Bishop?”
“Please do.”
“For some time now, since the death of my grandmother, I’ve had serious struggles with my faith. At least, I thought it was my faith.
“But, with much soul searching and praying I think the conclusion that I’ve come to is that it’s not my faith I’m struggling with. It’s my choice to become a priest. I was a confused kid when I decided to do this. It was what my Grandmother hoped for me, as well. I wanted to please her and I felt safe here. I thought that was enough to justify taking the vows.
“I think, though, that I finally realized that I don’t have to be a priest to be a good Catholic, and I think that’s where I became a little lost and confused. I thought this was what I needed to do in order to have a relationship with God, but I don’t believe that’s true any longer.
“So, since I have these issues with the investigation and all, and I’ve already been considering leaving…maybe now would be the best time to go and just make a clean break. It would probably save us all a lot of embarrassment and trouble.”
He nodded slowly. “I hear what you’re saying. There’s no sin in deciding this isn’t for you and walking away…as long as you’re okay with God. I will offer you counseling, Father Jace, and I will encourage you to examine yourself more deeply than you ever have before. This is not a big step; this is a huge, life-altering step.”
“I do realize that, sir. I have dug down deeper than I ever have, and I do believe this is the right thing…the only thing for me to do.”
“Okay, I will begin the process with the Diocese and we will call you for your exit conference when everything is ready. I’m sorry to see you go, Father, but we all have to do what’s right for us, as well as the church.