Olivia stirred as I spoke to her, staring at me as though she'd forgotten that I was there. She looked lost, like a small, injured child, and I couldn't keep myself from bending down and kissing her forehead, much like I had done to Emma earlier that night.
“I'll be all right,” she said as I pulled away.
“I'll be right back,” I promised again.
Outside in the hallway, I leaned against the wall, closing my eyes and counting to 10. I hated to see her like this, in so much pain. I only wished that this hadn't happened to her. But I couldn't think about all of the 'what ifs' and 'could haves' now. It was too late for those; the best we could do was to start looking forward. I knew that Jeannie would have wanted us to.
With that in mind, I headed down to the kitchen, rummaging through the cabinets, looking for something simple but comforting for her to eat. I quickly threw together a grilled cheese sandwich and put it on a plate with a couple of chocolate chip cookies. Then, I grabbed a glass of milk as well. I put all of that on the table and went to get Olivia out of her bath.
She looked just as listless as she had when I had left, but as I helped her out and started toweling her off, she showed a little more life, actively moving with me rather than just standing there. By the time I put her in a pair of soft, flannel pajamas, she was actively helping me do up the buttons, and I counted that as a win.
“I made you a sandwich,” I told her, leading her down to the kitchen.
She made a face. “I'm really not that hungry,” she whispered.
“I know,” I said sympathetically. “But I was hoping you'd at least try to eat a little. For me.”
She stared at me for a long moment and then nodded, sitting unceremoniously at the kitchen table and taking a small bite of the sandwich.
“If you want something else, I can make you something else,” I told her nervously. “I just thought maybe grilled cheese was comfort food.”
Did I see a ghost of a smile on her face at that? She pushed out the chair across from her, and I hesitantly sat down. I wanted to talk to fill the empty silence between us, but I didn't know what to say. I could remember all the things that people had said to be when Emily had died, how they had all seemed like such stupid platitudes: 'everything is going to be all right' and 'you'll get through this.' I didn't want to echo those words at Olivia; I could tell that she wouldn't appreciate them.
Olivia took a couple more bites of the sandwich, but even chewing seemed to wear her out. “I just want to go to bed,” she finally said, glancing briefly up at me and then looking away.
“All right,” I said. “Let's get you up to bed.” I moved around the table to take her hand and lead her up there, but she flung herself into my arms again, hugging me fiercely. I hummed softly, rubbing her back and just holding her, letting her know that I was there for her, whatever she ne
eded.
Finally, she pulled away, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. Then, she turned and headed toward the stairs. I trailed after her into her bedroom and tucked her into bed. “Do I need to tell you a bedtime story?” I joked. “I think I still remember most of what happens in Princess Pernilla and the Angry Bee; that's the one I read to Emma tonight.”
Olivia laughed a little and then started sobbing, and I was reminded of that first night when we'd gone to dinner together. As with that night, my one instinct was to hold her while she sobbed.
I climbed carefully into the bed and pulled her into my arms. Every tear felt like a knife to my heart as I pondered everything that had happened with Jeannie, wondering if this was all my fault. Even though I knew that it wasn't, that ultimately it was up to Jeannie what she wanted to do with her life, I couldn't help but feel responsible for Olivia's sadness now.
I knew I couldn't leave her like this. Not alone, not this upset. I held her tightly as her sobs subsided and she drifted off to sleep.
For a moment, I allowed myself to consider what it would be like if she and I were really in a relationship if the baby was really mine. If every night, I’d get to be here in this room, holding this beautiful woman, with Emma asleep in the next room over.
I had never really considered having more kids. Emily and I had figured that we'd get through the first one and then see if we wanted more. But we'd never had a chance to discuss having more because by the time we would have been ready for it, she was already stricken with cancer.
The thought wasn't unpleasant, though. Emma had her tantrums, but she'd make a great big sister. Somehow, I knew that instinctively. But maybe that was how every parent felt about their child. I smiled a little to myself.
If the baby was mine, then in seven or eight months, we'd be welcoming him or her into the world. I knew from experience that the first months would be difficult, but I also knew, from watching Olivia with Emma, that Olivia was going to make a great mom. She had incredible patience, and she had such a soothing presence.
When it came down to it, I still loved her. If I thought about it, I could picture a life with her, if we could just manage to put the past behind us. I hated to say it, but now that Jeannie was out of the picture, things would be easier for the two of us: we wouldn't be fighting about Jeannie's treatments and whether or not Olivia or I should be pushing the woman harder to accept the help that she needed.
But that wasn't the only complication; I knew that. There was also the matter of Buck.
I sighed, and for a moment, I tightened my arms around Olivia, who shifted in her sleep as though she could sense my distress. I quickly relaxed my arms, holding my breath and hoping that she kept sleeping. Fortunately, she did.
Buck. As much as I hated remembering that he was part of the picture, I couldn't deny it. Although Olivia had denied ever sleeping with the man, there was the possibility that she had been lying to me and that it wasn't my baby. What if the thing popped out looking just like him? Even if the baby didn't resemble him, I would always have that doubt, wouldn't I? I supposed I could take a DNA test.
I frowned. Was it possible that I could look past that and raise another man's child as my own? Could my love for Olivia be strong enough to allow me to overlook that possible indiscretion? If it turned out it was not mine.
Unfortunately, I didn't have an answer to that question, and I wasn't sure that I would have an answer to that before she had the baby and I held it in my arms for the first time. But it wasn't fair to either of them, or to Emma, or to Buck, for me to go along with this if I didn't know if I was going to be able to be there for her.
Besides, I didn't even know if Olivia would want me around as the father, whether or not the child was mine. I knew that Jeannie had raised Olivia on her own, so Olivia had to know that she didn't need me around. She could handle the child just fine on her own. And with all the bickering that had gone between the two of us, she might just as well decide that she didn't want any sort of negativity around the baby and that that meant cutting me out of her life entirely.