“What made you come back?”
I raised my eyebrows at her. “What else?” I said. “Noah—he’s the only reason.”
“When did you start getting over it?” Janet asked.
I sighed. “Sometimes I still don’t know if I’m over it. Sadness catches you on odd days. You just have to keep going, endure, and survive. At first, you do it for the people around you and in time…you start doing it for yourself, too.”
“I keep trying to prepare myself for his death,” she said in a deadpan voice that haunted me for a moment. “I keep telling myself that it’ll hurt less if I do.”
“It won’t hurt less,” I said bluntly. “Daphne was in the army; I was in the army. Death was a part of our lives. We came to expect it. But when I was told that she was gone, it still felt like…”
“Like?”
“Like nothing was real anymore,” I said, wondering if I made sense.
“I get that feeling now,” Janet said, in a hushed voice. “I’m with Dad during his chemo, and sometimes I look over at him and see his stooped frame, his bald head, the lines across his face, and… It doesn’t feel real. It’s like I’m in some sort of bad dream.”
“You have a sister, don’t you?”
“An older sister and a younger brother,” Janet replied.
“So, you have a support system,” I said. “That will help you get through it.”
She nodded silently, and we just stood there in my living room, standing opposite one another for a few moments. Then a car backfired somewhere outside, and it seemed to break the spell we were under. Janet transformed back into my babysitter, and her tone went from sad and dreamy to curt and to the point.
“Noah is in bed asleep,” she told me.
“He ate dinner?”
“Yes,” she nodded.
“What did he have?”
“Burger patties and bread.”
I knew the patties she was talking about. They were the processed ones that they stockpiled at the supermarkets for like a dollar fifty. I pursed my lips but decided not to say anything to her. It’s not like she made the attempt to change in any case. “Was he okay today?” I asked. “Did he ask where I was?”
“He always asks where you are,” she said. “I told him you were working.”
“Right,” I nodded as I led Janet to the door.
“What happened with his leaf project?” I asked, remembering at the last moment.
Janet furrowed her brow. “I’m not aware of a leaf project.”
“Oh well… he might have turned that in awhile ago now,” I said, realizing that I wasn’t as involved in my son’s life as I should have been.
Maybe that was the reason he had felt so free to confide in Kristen only hours after meeting her. Maybe she had displayed the interest that I hadn’t the time to show. The thought provoked me to ask a question of my own.
“Janet?” I said. “I have a kind of personal question to ask of you, too.”
“I suppose that’s fair,” she said. “Go ahead.”
“Do you actually like this job?”
I could tell that she hadn’t been expecting the question. She paused for a long time, and I knew I had my answer then.
“It pays my bills,” she said finally.