“He did it all by himself, too; you must be so proud.”
“Proud…ashamed…guilty…all of the above.”
Kristen’s eyes grew gentle. “Hey,” she said. “You have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.”
“He was the only kid who had to do his project alone,” I said. “Every other kid had help from a parent. He told me so.”
“He’s learning to be independent.”
I smiled. “Nice try, but he’s only four.”
“You’re too hard on yourself,” she told me.
As she spoke, she reached out and touched my hand. The feel of her touch sent a lightning bolt zooming through my body. It didn’t just trigger feelings; it triggered memories, too, and I found myself grappling with the torrent raging in my head.
“I was with Noah for one evening, and all he could talk about was you,” Kristen continued, oblivious to the conflict in my head. “That says a lot about how you’re doing as a father. He obviously loves you, Jake. Trust me: when a kid has no love for their parents…it shows.”
“I may not be enough for him.” I said the words before I gave myself permission to.
“Never let him know that,” she said. “You have to be strong for him.”
I blinked once. I blinked a second time. Kristen’s face blurred before me as a memory started taking shape. I could still feel her hand on top of mine. It was comforting, but it was not the touch I had grown used to. It was not familiar.
“You have to be strong now Jake,” Major Jones was saying to me. “You have to be strong for him.”
“What happened?” I demanded. “I just want to know what happened to my wife.”
“Sit down, Jake.”
“I don’t want to sit down.”
Major Jones looked at me sympathetically, and I wanted to die right then and there. How could I go through life having people look at me in that way? It was almost unbearable.
“How did it happen?” I p
ersisted.
“It was an IED,” he replied.
“An IED,” I repeated, feeling weak.
That was what we called it in the field. To a layman, it was a bomb. She had been blown to pieces. Had she felt her flesh rip apart? Or had she been surrounded by the bliss of ignorance before the bomb that ripped her from life?
“It exploded on the road under her vehicle,” Major Jones continued. “She was badly wounded… She lost a leg, but she was still alive when they got her to the medic’s tent.”
“But?”
“They were just about to operate when…she died,” he said softly. “She was bleeding too heavily, and there was so much shrapnel.”
“The doctor told me that part.”
“Jake, why don’t you sit down?”
“Thank you for being honest with me, Major,” I replied, in a cold voice before walking away.
I felt heat on my hand and realized suddenly that I was in a restaurant with a different woman, a woman who wasn’t Daphne. And suddenly, it felt wrong. I shouldn’t be here, I thought to myself. I could hear a voice faintly in the background of my mind, but I didn’t care to listen. All I wanted to do was get out. So I did.
I got up and walked out of the restaurant, trying to grapple for air, but finding myself coming up short. I got into my car and started driving. It was only after I had parked in front of my building that I remembered who I had left behind without a word or an explanation.