“Uh…nothing.”
“You would have wanted to be there for my wife?” He sounded absolutely baffled by that sentiment.
It was yet another opening for me. All I had to do was say ‘I wanted to be there for her because she was my sister,’ but there was no way I was strong or brave enough to say those words.
“Um… I just… It’s hard to go through something like that alone,” I said, stumbling over my words. “Sometimes you just need a little help.”
Jake frowned as though he wasn’t quite sure whether to believe me or not. “You are strange, Kristen…but you’re also wonderful.”
“No, I’m not,” I said, feeling disgusted with myself.
“Hey,” he said, hooking his finger under my chin and pushing it up so that he could see my face. “Trust me… I know what wonderful looks like. And, you’re it.”
His blue eyes were bright and open and beautiful, and I felt instantly ashamed of myself. I was allowing him to get deeper into this without coming clean with him first. Maybe my mother was right—maybe I was no better than she was.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, feeling emotion constrict around my throat.
“For what?” Jake asked.
“For…everything,” I whispered.
Jake frowned in confusion, but then he smiled. “You feel too much, Kristen,” he said. “That’s your problem. Now come on, let’s head on back to the office.”
The drive back was mostly silent. I could tell that Jake was as involved with his thoughts as I was with mine. Except I could tell from his expression that he was reflecting on good things, while I was just trying to juggle my guilt and shame with my love for Jake and Noah.
“I miss him,” I said instinctively.
“Me, too,” Jake nodded.
I realized that I’d never mentioned whom I missed by name, and yet Jake knew exactly whom I was talking about. It was the kind of connection every girl dreamed of having…and I wondered if it was all part of life’s cruel irony that I would find that with a man who was never meant for me.
We took separate elevators up to our floor just to avoid people linking us together. It wasn’t as though there was a company policy or anything, but neither one of us wanted to have to answer awkward questions from nosy work colleagues. I was already sitting at my desk when Jake walked in. He nodded to me formally before disappearing into his office. But a second later, he called me in to meet him.
“Hi,” I said, poking my head in. “What do you need?”
“You,” he said. “Come in and lock the door.”
Tentatively, I walked in and shut the door behind me. Jake was leaning against his desk with a strange glint in his eye. He looked like some roguish model, with his tousled dark hair and his perfect blue eyes smiling at me. I came forward, still recovering from the conversation we’d had over lunch. I wanted to be near him, but at the same time, I wanted the weight on my chest to lift. I wanted to be with him without the worry and the guilt.
“Are you okay?” Jake asked, taking my hand. “You seem a little stressed.”
“I… I suppose I am a little stressed.”
“Why?” he asked, pulling me closer to him.
“Um… I have had a lot on my mind lately,” I admitted.
Jake appeared to be only half-listening to me. His lips came down on my neck and he started to kiss me slowly. “What’s bothering you?” he asked as he continued to tease me.
“Uh…nothing.”
“It can’t be nothing if it’s bothering you.”
I shivered a little as his tongue traveled along the length of my neck. “I… I know…”
“Well?” he pressed, as he placed soft kisses on my lips. “What is it?”
“Um…you know… I can’t quite…remember just now,” I managed to say.