“What do you think, darling? You haven’t spoken a single word all evening,” my mother said sweetly. “Should I try acupuncture? Gina seems to swear by it.”
“Sure,” I mumbled and went back to nibbling on my shrimp and mashed potatoes.
“For God’s sakes, Zayden,” my mother snapped, seeming to finally lose her temper. “Make the slightest bit of an effort. How much time do you get to spend with family? Do you think it’s fair that on the odd night that we all get to sit down and have a meal together, you are not even really here?”
“What do you want me to say?” I snapped back. “You two seem to be doing fine on your own. I have nothing to contribute to the conversation. Leave me alone, mom.”
“Hey, don’t speak to your mom like that!” Gina gasped. “She is only trying to spend some quality time with her son.”
“Nobody asked you for your fucking opinion,” I snapped at her too. “I am done eating.” I through my napkin down and stormed out of the kitchen.
No matter where I went, I couldn’t find peace. At work I was forced to look at Aria all day and not be able to approach her. At home it was the constant whining of two women who somehow seemed to have vowed to make my life difficult. Maybe now was a good time to take a vacation…
There was a knock on my door. I ignored it hoping that would make it stop but I had no such luck.
“Open the door, Zay,” my mother finally said. “This is really important.”
“It’s open, just come inside.” I sighed.
She walked in and sat across from my desk.
“Are you feeling alright, sweetheart?” The look of genuine concern on her face took me aback. “You seem to have been very disturbed by something these past few weeks. I know you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, and whatever it is that is bothering you, you know you can really talk to your mother.”
“Do I?” I glared at her. “It has never quite seemed like it.”
Her eyes started to moisten but she held back. I had never seen her this way before. The only times I had seen her cry were full-blown episodes where she wailed until she manipulated me into doing whatever she wanted.
“I know you think I am a horrible mother. You always have. Even before your father passed away, and you learned about things that I wish you never had to hear.” She looked at me with a kind of rare intensity for a long while before speaking again. “And you are right.”
“What’s that?” I was surprised to hear what she was saying. It was not like her. Unless this was some new twisted plot intended to manipulate me.
“You are right. I could have been a better mother and a better wife. I had you when I was too young. Married your dad at an age when I should have focused on my career and living my life, without understanding the repercussions of being a wife. He wanted a child right away and I loved him so much, I went with it. Without warning, my youth was suddenly over and I became responsible for a whole new life at a time when I wasn’t sure I was doing a very good job of taking care of my own. Your dad had a huge business to run, so even though he had wanted a child, he didn’t have the time to care for it. Obviously, I had to quit my job – I was working towards being a chartered accountant – and then I started getting lonely and distant with your dad always working. I started finding comfort in other things, other men, and a part of me felt like I had given up so much, that I deserved to stray a little bit. Subconsciously, I blamed you for some of the things I had to give up, but it was never your fault. As you grew older, your dad started spending more time with you and going to all your football games and you two bonded while I stayed home and made dinner. So it always looked to you like he was more of a parent to you than I was, but he never helped me raise you, Zayden.”
“Why are you telling me these things?” I asked softly. “Why now?”
“Because it is important that you understand. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, Zay, but maybe you will understand why I was always the way I was and why I want so badly for you and Gina to work out. It’s not for my sake, not at all.”
“Why then? Because if you haven’t picked up on it yet, mom, Gina is only around for your sake. She is what you want for me, not what I want.”
“I know you feel that way right now because you’re hurt–”
“I am not hurt. I don’t love her. She means absolutely nothing to me, but that doesn’t matter to you does it? You have decided that she is the perfect woman for me and you will just continue emotionally blackmailing me into trying to make it work with her. Whether or not I am happy in the process doesn’t matter to anybody, does it?”
“Have you been listening to a word I have said?” She was getting teary again. “I love you very much, Zay. You are my son, and no matter what happened in the past, I want to make it up to you by being a better mother now. Of course your happiness means a lot to me. It means everything to me. I have very little else to live for.”
“Then why don’t you give a shit that
I don’t want to make things work with Gina?”
“Because I have been where she is now, and it’s a terrible, terrible place! If I had gotten a chance to make things better with your dad, I would have given everything I had to make him happy, and I know she will do the same. She used to make you happy once, and I just want to see that again.”
“Would you care if I told you there was someone else I am certain I would be happier with?” I didn’t know why I had asked that. It wasn’t like Aria and I were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Hell, she barely even spoke to me, yet I was having this conversation, as though she were ready to seamlessly take Gina’s place in my life.
“You’re only saying that to shut me up. Believe me Zay, just give her another chance. She will make you happy again, you will see.”
“So we are back to square one, then? You want what you want and obviously think you know what’s better for me than I do myself. Why are we even having this conversation?”
“Because I had to tell you I loved you, I don’t think I do it nearly enough,” she said, crying openly now.