Before I knew what had happened, I had spun around and fallen to the ground, curled up like a child, and was pressed up against the corner of the hallway. It happened so fast I didn’t know what I was doing. It was as if I didn’t have control over myself at all and my body just reacted with a level of fear that was intense an obviously unwarranted.
My reaction to startling noises had been getting better over the months I had been there, but the close proximity of the man’s voice had triggered something inside of me that I didn’t have control of for a moment. My brain knew that I was safe outside of my counselor’s office, but my body reacted the way it did anyways. Perhaps my brain wasn’t so sure I was safe at all.
“No, no, no,” I heard myself saying quietly as I opened my eyes and looked up at Nate standing over me.
I was so embarrassed, totally mortified that I had just done that. But I knew that Mike couldn’t see me on the ground or he likely wouldn’t let me go yet. He’d say that I needed to stay and continue working, which I absolutely wasn’t going to do. I needed out of that place, even though it scared me to death to leave. I knew I wouldn’t move forward until I got out.
“Here,” Nate said as he stood over me and held out his hand for me to grab onto. “That was my fault; I’m sorry.”
His voice was sincere and I didn’t see a hint of pity in his eyes at all. He wasn’t worried about me, and he wasn’t sad like Jordan and Chase had been when they saw me. Nate seemed unfazed by my display and simply offered me a hand up.
“Thanks,” I said as I avoided his gaze.
His blue
eyes were still embedded into my memory from the night he had taken me out of Stephano’s home. I could never forget them, but I couldn’t look at them, either. My hand shook terribly in his and I felt him tighten his grip slightly around me. His touch was comforting, but not in the same way as the nurses and staff around Sandy Meadows; Nate’s touch was more firm and absolute.
“Everything all right out here?” I heard Mike say as he opened the door.
My eyes darted to Nate’s and I begged him not to say anything to Mike that would jeopardize my departure. I plead with one simple gaze, and somehow Nate understood exactly what I was saying. I really had no idea how he knew what I was saying, but he did.
“I’m just a clumsy oaf and bumped into Ana; let’s get going on this paperwork,” Nate said as he released my hand and walked into Mike’s office.
I followed closely behind and sat down in the empty chair across from Mike and next to Nate. Mike started to talk about how well I was doing and what to expect when I got home. I lost focus during the conversation very quickly and ended up looking out the window at the garden. It was so peaceful out there and I was going to miss it.
“Ana. Ana, are you all right?” I heard Mike saying as I turned back to him.
“Oh, yes, sorry. I’m fine.”
Mike looked at me with a skeptical eye, but he didn’t push it further. He knew I couldn’t pay attention for very long and I was excited to be getting out of that place, even if my body was scared as hell.
Surprisingly though, my hands weren’t shaking at all. I looked down at them and then back up toward Mike. He gave me a smile as he noticed they were still as could be. I certainly was still scared to leave, and I didn’t know Nate at all, but I felt safe with him. Safe, but not exactly comfortable; there was a distinct difference.
Nate stood to shake Mike’s hand and then, without a word, walked out of the room and grabbed my bags as he made his way out to the parking lot.
“Well, at least we know I won’t be spoiled.” I laughed as I hugged Mike one more time.
“He seems like a good guy. Jordan says he’s excited to have you at the house.”
“You know Jordan; she’ll say anything.”
“He was a Navy Seal, very decorated. And his job is protecting people now. So, at the very least, you will know that you are always safe. Take that for what it is and use your time to get better.”
That was very true. I remembered Jordan saying that Nate was a private security guard for important people. He must be good at it if senators and billionaires hired him. It was a positive aspect of going to stay with him for sure. Although his lack of manners might be hard to deal with. I had just shown him how weak I could be, yet he didn’t even wait for me and walk with me to the car.
“Thanks for everything, Mike. I’ll never forget your kindness and help.”
“Remember, you’re stronger than you think you are. Keep taking one step at a time and you’ll be back to yourself in no time.”
I didn’t believe a word he said to me. Sometimes it didn’t feel like I was even moving forward at all over the last few months. Sure, I was taking it one step at a time, but I was then taking two steps backwards also. For the moment, I couldn’t wait to crawl into bed and just sleep for a few days. I didn’t want to go to group sessions, or individual sessions. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings or write down my dreams. All I wanted to do was sleep. And maybe eat a hamburger. The healthy food they had at Sandy Meadows was going to be the death of me for sure; I couldn’t wait to get a nice, thick burger in my stomach.
“Thanks for waiting for me,” I said under my breath as I opened the car door and climbed into the Jeep Wrangler.
I could tell he heard me, but Nate didn’t respond. He kept looking forward and just pulled out of the parking lot and toward his house. Jordan had told me he was going to come up for a visit before it was time to leave, but he hadn’t done that. I didn’t really blame him though; Sandy Meadows was a long drive from his house and probably not high on his list of things to do during the week.
“Jordan says you work as a private security guard,” I said as I tried to make small talk about twenty minutes into the drive.
“Yep.”