I leaned back in the chair then. I felt my heart beating fast in my chest. “Is your wife all right?” I asked him. I blinked wildly, knowing I was touching a nerve. I wanted to remind him who he was and what he was meant to take care of. If he left me alone—maybe I could get out of this alive and unscathed. Maybe.
But Xavier didn’t put up with it. “I need you in my office immediately.” And then he hung up the phone.
I felt like both the good guys and the bad guys were hounding me. I hated it. I brought my hands to my eyes and then tugged at my hair, allowing myself this sensation of real pain. It rooted me back in reality.
I darted down the hallway, toward the Oval Office. Again, Dimitri was nowhere to be found outside the office. The Secret Service agent pulled open the door for me and allowed me entrance, bowing his head soundly for me. I felt like a queen, if only for a moment.
I closed the door behind me and turned, finding the president in the center of the room instead of his usual position, behind his desk. He looked so serious. His eyebrows dipped over his eyes, and his mouth was pressed firmly together.
“Mr. President,” I whispered. I both hoped and didn’t that he’d brought me in there just to ask me out again, to save me from this terrifying world. I swallowed. “If this is about the campaign, I think I’d better retrieve Jason.”
But the president held up his hand at once, shaking his head. “Please. This is a meeting between you and I only.” He gestured forward, toward the center couch. I proceeded to sit down, bringing my long brown hair behind my ear. I felt myself quivering and I hoped he didn’t notice.
“Amanda,” he began. He sat down hesitantly next to me, leaning toward me a bit. He brought his hand toward my face and played with a small curl that wandered around my ear. “I’m worried about you.”
I swallowed. I peered at a painting of George Washington on the wall. What a terrifying presidency that had been; what a terrifying life Martha had had to live all those years before.
But Xavier was still staring at me. “I think about you all the time, Amanda. You have to know that. Before, they were—blissful thoughts. Thoughts of such happiness we could have together. But now. Those thoughts have changed.” He sighed. He placed his hand on my knee, and I curled my toe in my shoe, wanting him. His touch felt so good. I still held my eyes toward the wall. I could hardly look at him. I knew it would draw tears.
“My thoughts are now—affecting the presidency,” he murmured. “I can hardly focus on anything anymore. The other day, I was in a meeting with the Secretary of State and I just stared out the window, thinking of you.”
I blinked, feeling a small tear formulate in the corner of my eye. Why was he telling me all of this?
“I feel like you’re pulling away from me,” he finally said. His voice broke. “I feel like we had something really special; I feel like we could have really done something, together.”
“You mean as a couple?” I whispered. My voice was breaking, as well. I couldn’t believe he had had these thoughts; I couldn’t believe that he’d thought about me in any manner that wasn’t sexual; that he actually admired my talents, my drive, my very being. He wasn’t typical in this way, of course. Most men just wanted to fuck me and leave me at the curb.
His grip tightened on my leg, then. He cleared his throat. “I know it’s insane to talk about. I know I’m a married man. And I’m devoted to my marriage, of course. But I can’t stop thinking of you. Please. Assure me that this—this—“
“This?” I whispered once more. The tear had made a trail down my cheek by then, leaving me seemingly naked beside him.
“This beautiful thing that we have. I don’t want to lose it. Assure me that it isn’t over, okay?”
My mind was spinning. I knew I needed to tell him that I couldn’t see him anymore; I knew I couldn’t tell him that Jason had me in his grasp, that I literally hadn’t a single sliver of free will anymore. I swallowed and turned my head almost imperceptibly toward him. “I just—I just have so much on my plate, Xavier. I need… I need some space. Some space would be really good right now for me. So that I can focus on the campaign. So that I can focus on making you the best president you can be.” I heard the quivering in my voice. I remembered the confident girl I had been just a few weeks before. I no longer recognized that person anymore.
The president leaned back and removed his hand from my leg. He clucked his tongue. “You need space?” he asked. His voice was nearly incredulous. “Space from me? From the White House? From the United States? Space from what?”
But I just shook my head, knowing that he could never truly understand. “Just space, Xavier,” I whispered. “I have to work through this, now. You have to leave this to me.”
Xavier stood. He grabbed a small, decorative bowl from the table before us and flung it at the wall, allowing it to crash to the ground. The glass shards crashed everywhere, reminding me of the wine glass I had broken the week before when I’d been searching for the hidden camera in my apartment. He stomped his foot, almost like a child but with a man’s passion, with a man’s anger. In a way, it aroused me, making me want to leap toward him and take him in my arms, kiss his lips with mine.
He sat at his presidential desk then. He left me on the couch by mys
elf, my hands folded before me like a peasant. I bit my lip.
He waved his hand. “That’s it, then,” he muttered. It sounded like he was ending a business meeting—something incredibly formal, instead of the final rousing after an evening of titillating pleasure.
I stood. I bowed my head, feeling such sadness in my belly. I agreed with everything he said, of course. I agreed that we could create a beautiful life together. If things had been different. If people weren’t eternally watching our every step. If slimy creeps like Jason didn’t exist, always around the corner with a camera, ready to ruin your life.
I walked toward the door and brought my hand forth. I wrapped it around the handle, hearing him move in his chair. I paused. His voice rooted me back into reality, humming through my ears. “Amanda,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—I didn’t mean to make a scene.”
I spun my head back around toward him and bowed, allowing my eyelashes to drip down to my cheeks. I felt so unsure in his presence, so jittery. “I’m sorry, too, Xavier,” I whispered.
“There’s more,” he said then. “I need you to know something. Even if we’re never in the same room again, alone. Even if this beautiful thing falls away forever. I need you to know that I am completely devoted to you, in this here and now. And I have been for quite some time. It took me a moment to make a move, and for that I am sorry. I wasted precious time I could have had with you. That kills me.”
He tapped his chest with his long, thin fingers. I held the door knob loosely in my hand, listening to his words as they fell through my ears, making me feel so open to him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and kiss him, feel him, love him. But instead, I saw Jason’s laughing face in my head.
“Thank you, Xavier. I—“ I started shaking my head. I wanted to words to come churning from my mouth once more, but I couldn’t find them. I wanted to tell him that I felt the same way—that I’d always felt that we were right for each other, from the first moment we’d spoken.