But I shook my head. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I wanted this all to pass over us like a bad storm. I wanted the winds to die down. I wanted Jason to lose interest in the entire operation. I wanted this universe—this universe in which Xavier and I had loved each other—to close and leave us in peace. I opened my mouth and hissed toward him: “This conversation will have to wait.” I wanted to be a professional once more. I knew that the first moment he erupted with any “love” stuff, I would lose my cool. I would falter, fall away. Perhaps someday, when all this fell away and we were just two normal people, alone somewhere in the world, we could discuss what had occurred between us. But not there in the White House.
Never again.
But he reached toward me. He grabbed me at my elbow. Not hard. Just hard enough, though, to make me rear back, as if I’d been shocked. His eyes were dark, at this moment. He evoked such seriousness. In that moment, I understood why the people respected him enough to name him as their leader. I swallowed, feeling pain coursing up and down my arm.
“This is serious, Amanda,” he stated then. “I need to discuss the campaign with you. As you can see, the campaign is faltering. You’ve fired two people today and Jason is a goddamned nervous wreck.”
The words turned over in my stomach, making my eyes grow wide.
“I must speak with you at once. Alone, and in my office. Now.”
He took his fingers away from my vein once more. I shook out my arm, feeling the blood pulse into my arm once more. I felt his shadow pass beyond me, toward his office. I turned and followed him, hanging my head like a dog. His feet were so fast, sweeping into the room. I nodded toward the agent on the way in, acknowledging my defeat. I knew, in so many ways, that this was the end of me. I had to be alone with this man. Everything would unravel at once.
Everything would cease.
He closed the door behind us. The sound was oddly muffled. He brought his arm out, gesturing forth to allow me to move into the room further. I was trapped. I sat at the first couch, feeling the cushion breathe beneath me. I folded my hands in my lap. I blinked toward him, and he paced back and forth, his eyebrows folding over his eyes. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he turned toward me. His eyes blinked ravenously. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, and he sighed.
“Listen, Amanda. I owe you an apology.”
I swallowed, knowing that I was about to fall apart. My voice quivered. “I thought this was about business,” I murmured. I looked toward my hands.
He took a step forward. “In a way, this is about business. It’s about you and I getting along in order to produce the best result.”
I continued to look toward my hands.
“But I don’t care about the best result anymore. I don’t,” Xavier whispered, finally falling into a whisper, a voice filled with passion. “I just. I want to tell you that I made a terrible, horrible mistake, as far as we are concerned.”
“There is no ‘we,’ Xavier,” I began.
But he talked over me, drowning me out. “When you told me about that slimy snake, Jason, I surely thought that I would kill him. I was in such shock. I felt that—that my career was in jeopardy. Can you understand that?”
I didn’t say anything. I still didn’t look toward him. I maneuvered my fingers through themselves, lacing them up tight.
“I never meant anything I said about you. I didn’t mean anything I said about—about you not being qualified for the position, certainly. You’re very qualified. You’re meant to be here, on your own merits.”
Something inside of me—perhaps a sense of anger—had begun to grow, to flourish in that moment. I frowned, bringing my fingers tighter and tighter together. I wanted him to skip to the business portion of this meeting; I wanted to resort back to what I was meant to be doing. I felt the tears growing hot in the back of my eyes, drizzling to the surface. I had cared about him with my entire being. But he couldn’t just take those words back. My heartbeat began to pulsate in my face, in my hands.
“Amanda. Did you hear me? You’re incredibly qualified, one of the smartest women I’ve ever met.” He swallowed, stupidly. “I was in shock. But the only thing I really want—after several days of not seeing you, after several days of finally realizing the carelessness of my words—is you. All I want is you, Amanda.”
The air hung around us: so dry, so archaic. I wanted to rush out of there immediately. I wanted to fall away from this relationship, to pretend like nothing had ever happened between us. I blinked up at him suddenly. “Is that all?”
Xavier shrugged his shoulders slowly. His eyes grew sallow, sad. I could see his shoulder bones beneath his suit.
I finally pulled my fingers apart in the midst of the silence. I wiped the new sweat over my fine business dress suit. “All right. I’m prepared to hear the business side of things, now,” I stated. My eyes drew up toward his, and I knew they were dark, filled with judgment.
But his voice quaked then. He brought his hand before him, pointing toward me. “What do you—“
“The business element of this conversation,” I stated, gesturing. “You said to come in here to speak with you about business. And so I came. Please. Proceed.”
“Did you even hear everything I just said?” Xavier murmured. His eyes were quizzical. I could see a single bead of sweat sweep down his face.
“I did,” I retorted. “And I don’t see how it’s relevant. Please. Proceed.” I nodded emphatically, knowing that my words were ripping through him. I couldn’t care.
Finally, Xavier smacked his hands on his legs. “Fuck, Amanda. I didn’t have anything else. I just—I just said I wanted to see you professionally so that I could see you privately. I wanted to say my piece. Can’t you understand that?”
But I stood, quaking. I glared at him, crossing my arms over my chest. “So. You told me you had something incredibl
y important—and work-related to talk about—and then you bring me in here to talk about something privately. Something that should be kept out of the confines of this office.” I felt my voice growing hot. “And you still expect me to believe that you honestly hired me just because you thought I was professionally appropriate for the job? You lie about everything, Xavier. You lie about fucking everything, and I can’t hack it anymore. You’re no better than anyone else. You’re a cheater, and you’re a liar. I didn’t earn this position. That much is clear to me now.” Every word I spoke seemed like an emphatic bite into the air, taking a strand of life from the president’s shoulders. He bent lower and lower.