Was what he had seen so bad that he had literally run away from it? What about me? Was I guilty without even realizing it? Had I chosen my life, my job, the people I spent my time with according to some rubric that had been decided for me? I didn't know. I had no idea, and that scared me.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Cameron
It was beautiful out here, I thought, standing on the deck looking out at the back of the cabin. There hadn't been any more snow since the day before. Everything sort of looked and felt like it went to sleep when it was covered in snow. There was this added stillness, I guess. Silence. My parents and I had always gone on skiing trips when I was younger, but this was different. I was alone, and I had the distinct feeling that they wouldn’t have liked it if they had been here. My mother would have complained that the place was too small, and my dad would have complained that there was nothing else around. He and my mom had always had healthy social lives, from attending other peoples’ events to throwing their own. I had rolled out pretty far from under their trees.
Sometimes I’d think about them randomly; when I was thinking about something else, they’d just pop up. It wasn’t painful to think of them anymore, I just felt a little empty, and the memories, even the pleasant ones didn’t feel like that. They felt like a totally different time, a totally different life. I had never lost my parents before, but I had an idea how the grief thing worked. It took time.
I didn’t feel bad enough that I thought I needed a shrink. Space was usually all I needed. I got to think about everything or stop thinking about everything, whichever served my purpose at the time. I missed them. I always would probably, but that was why I was out here.
It was so quiet. Just like you knew it would be, I thought. This was what was going to happen; you knew that. What had you thought? That she'd just stay here with you?
I took a sip of my coffee and leaned against the railing. It was why you came up here anyway in the first place. Right? To be alone? My parents dying had been the catalyst for so many things that had happened these past few weeks. I wasn’t going to say the worst tragedy of my life had gotten me into bed with one of the most remarkable women I had ever met, but the first real conversation between us had been after the funeral at lunch. The only reason she had come up to talk to me at all had been because of the effect my dad’s sudden death had had on management at Porter Holdings.
Look how much had changed between us since then.
Earlier that morning, I had woken up in the bed. There had been a moment that I had sat up, expecting to hear Natalie in the cabin somewhere, or even better, find her still asleep next to me, but then I remembered.
She hasn't even been gone a full twenty-four hours, and you're already hung up on her, I thought. Did you already forget what happened when the two of you fucked?
Disaster. She had tried to leave without telling you. That was not what a person who wanted to be with you did. Whatever had happened the day after, it hadn't been enough to erase the night we had had together. For her, because she seemed to be so uncomfortable about it, I had held back the way she had wanted. Not brought the night up again and kept my distance. Now that she was gone, I couldn't stop thinking about her. Thinking about having her around, yeah, but those thoughts tended to get quickly overshadowed by the ones where I laid her out on the bed again and fucked her ‘til she screamed.
When she had still been here, it had felt kind of wrong thinking about her like that since we had agreed that that wasn't going to be the kind of relationship that we had. Nothing was stopping me now. Too bad I didn't want to stop there. I fucking missed her. Sexual frustration was easy to take care of, but it would take time before I got used to not having her around anymore. All the time I had been up here before she had shown up had almost faded from memory.
That feeling I had had when I got here the first time; that feeling of peace, of finally being in my own space, away from everything I hated? Yeah, that was gone. Something had changed. I had never thought for a second that her coming up here would have led to this. She was gone, and now was the time I was regretting not having a phone with me so I could talk to her.
I didn't know whether I had ever felt lonely before. Maybe when I had been a kid, jealous of other kids for having siblings when I didn't. Upset the times that my parents couldn't spend time with me. I had probably felt it right after they had died, that sudden separation from the two people who had anchored me in their world. I had never thought that I was the type who really wanted people around, craved company. I wasn’t; it was just one person I wanted to see. So this was what that was like, I thought. I wanted her here with me. I had come all the way out here for what, then?
You know what? The reason was getting fuzzier by the day.
I went back inside and rinsed my cup out.
Then leave, I thought absently. Nothing’s keeping you here. You really want to go be with Natalie, then do it. For a minute, I let myself think about it. Driving back to Provo, yeah, but then what? Natalie had made it clear what she was feeling and what she wanted. The only place anything between us could happen again was my dreams.
It doesn’t matter how much I think I want her, I realized. This was yet another thing that was out of my control. She was just another person I had to get used to missing. I got my keys so I could take my truck out. Staying here, I’d think myself into a never-ending spiral; I needed distraction. Trying to fell a tree in the middle of winter sounded like just the thing.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Natalie
Walking back into the office Monday morning, anyone would have thought I had been gone for a month, not just a week. It had felt like longer somehow. Making the drive from Provo to Salt Lake, again after a week of not having to make it, I had almost enjoyed myself. People I had never talked to said hi to me as I came inside and took the elevator up to my floor. Brett hadn't told me what to say in case anyone got curious, and I hadn't had the option to say I just had a baby.
Not wanting to say I had lost a relative, I had just said travel. Not a lie, and the majority of people had taken it. They had most likely just asked me where I had been to be polite, make small talk. The curious ones still hadn't gotten the truth. Not all of it. I knew the powers of workplace gossip, and I was sure Cameron wouldn't have wanted me talking about his business anyway. There had been things that had happened in that cabin that I was pretty sensitive about other people knowing on top of that.
It is good to be back, I thought sitting at my desk, staring at my computer. Yeah. I had an in-pile taller than I was to catch up on, but I had woken up in my own bed. I had gotten ready for work and come here, cursing how far away I lived. After a week of no conditioner or heating tools, I had had the chance to straighten my hair before going into work, something I had taken for granted out in the mountains where Cameron didn’t even have a hairdryer with him. I had seen all the faces I was
used to seeing and gone through the motions. It was routine. Comfortable. The life I had chosen for myself. The one I had worked to be able to have.
Or it was just the thing that I had learned to get comfortable with. Cameron would probably tell me something like that. I shook my head. He had been my only human contact for the past week, and I was still thinking about him. I had to concentrate if I wanted to put a dent in everything that I had backed up from the week before.
If you want to pine over Cameron, you can do it at home. Better yet that hour-long drive back you're going to have to take to get there from here.
Just as I was getting into the groove, there was a knock at the door. Brett walked in. Just like what had happened when he had called me when I had been at Cameron's, my throat dried out. I felt like a kid who had been caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
"Natalie," he said, smiling at me.
"Mr. Hamm."