"What will Cameron tell me if I ask him?"
"The same thing, Mr. Hamm. There's nothing going on between us."
"Natalie, I haven't been young in a long time, but I was once. I'm not going to ask you what happened between the two of you in that cabin. I do need to know why he said what he did." All the time I had spent with Brett lately didn't make the embarrassment of him being able to see right through me any less. Just like Kasey had said: put two people who were attracted to each other in a private space for long enough, and they would fuck. It didn't matter how uncomfortable I was with Brett knowing that about me. This wasn't about me; it was about Cameron and what was going to happen to Porter Holdings now that we had his final decision.
"He said that he didn't want to be tied to this world anymore. He wants something different for himself, and Porter Holdings isn't part of that future." Brett sighed, leaning back in his seat. "I'm sorry," I blurted out. "I screwed this up. I should have just said it, not let it drag out and spring it on him this morning."
"His answer wouldn't have been different if you had."
"It might have. He was mad at me. Maybe he said some of what he did out of anger."
"You were with him a week up there, Natalie; you know how he felt about the business. He's never truly understood why his parents wanted this for him." I shook my head.
"Still. I should have said something sooner."
"It's over now," he said. "He wants to sell, so that's what's going to happen. You have to start preparing the paperwork. I'll talk to the stockholders and have something for you by tomorrow," he said.
"Is the company going to go public?"
"I don't think so," he said, frowning. It was most likely just my imagination, but he looked worn out, stressed from the past few weeks. I hadn't made his job any easier taking as long as I had to finally talk to Cameron. Like I really needed another thing to feel guilty about. "I don't have the power to make those decisions. Cameron and the rest of the stockholders do. It's up to them."
I nodded. "I'm sorry, again."
"Don't apologize. This was coming. We shouldn't have expected more from Cameron than he was willing to give us."
He said that I could go home for the rest of the day instead of staying at work. A nice gesture, but I hardly deserved it. I had been slacking off, both at the office and at the assignment he had sent me into the mountains to accomplish. He should have put me to work like a pack mule. He should have fired me, I thought sadistically. I probably would have fired me in his position.
I had used all those trips to do nothing but get close to him, and in the end, I had lost him anyway.
I got home grateful that I had the time off, even though I didn't deserve it. It would give me time to think, and I didn't want that. I felt like shit. I felt worse than shit. I felt like shit that had been left out in the sun for three days, rained on, then set on fire. I tried to distract myself, starting on my laundry, but it didn't really work. If I had been infatuated with Cameron before, it was worse now because everything we could have had was gone. The ironic part was it had been me finally being truthful that had done it. If I hadn't said anything, just kept the truth hidden from him...
That hadn't been an option though, so really, we had been doomed from the start. The only place we could have been a thing was in my head.
Would it have killed you to wait, I thought. Just kept your dumbass feelings out of it ‘til both he and you were in a place where they could become something more? If I had, then I wouldn't have been here thinking about what was never going to happen between us. There would still be a chance, but even if there wasn't, I never would have had to see him hurt and angry because of me.
Now I know better, I thought. But all I’d had to lose was Cameron to learn that. I caught the tear before it trailed down my face. It was all my fault; I wasn't allowed to cry about it. It might have been a mistake, but he deserved better. Better than someone who couldn't tell him the truth. I'd tell myself that ‘til I believed it and then maybe, I'd forgive myself if he never did.
Chapter Thirty-One
Cameron
It was getting dark earlier every day. I stood on the porch looking out over the front of the cabin. It was snowing. It had been like that since Natalie had left the day before. Like she had left, and the sky just opened up. I hadn't been able to go out all day. Not that I really wanted to, but getting up and doing something that distracted me from thinking about her wouldn't have been the worst thing. It would have been great, actually; better than the alternative.
I still couldn't fucking believe it. I should have known better, let my initial judgments of her stand because they had been true. Okay, maybe that wasn't entirely fair. She wasn't exactly who I had thought she was, a stuck-up girl who couldn't carry a conversation about anything that wasn't makeup or fashion. No, she had depth, but that didn't make her different. She wasn't. She was just another one.
At the end of the day, she had only been after one thing. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about it: everything she had said, everything she had asked me; she hadn't given a fuck. The one thing that had mattered to her had been money. She wanted to make the stockholders happy. Acting like she gave the barest fuck about me and what was happening in my life had all been to keep the ball rolling. Make sure the company was still raking it in, make sure the people at the top's millions kept multiplying.
I had thought that she and I understood each other. In fact, she had said that she did. Had it all been lies? Maybe not all of it but enough that I had to be suspicious of anything else she would try say to me.
Like that's going to happen again, I thought. She wasn't coming back. What the hell for? She had said her peace and gotten her answer. What was left?
Nothing. She got what she wanted, and now she could move on. Shame about that, though. I had really thought that there was something there with her. I had honestly considered moving back to Provo because it would be easier to see her. She did you a favor, I thought, showed you who she was before you found out the hard way.
I walked back inside. The fire was burning out, but I didn't feel like throwing any more logs in. I flopped onto the couch, stretching out. I wasn't tired, not really, but I didn't want to get up or do anything either. I felt like shit. I hadn't felt agitated and pissed like this in a long time. She was gone; so what? She had left before. Yeah, but not like that. I hadn't even gotten the chance to tell her bye before she left. I didn't want to see her again, speak to her again, any of it, but I still fucking missed her. I hated it. I shouldn't have felt that way, but she had gotten to me a lot worse than I thought.
Awesome. How can you never want to see the woman again but want to fuck her again at the same time? I couldn't help thinking maybe she could have said something else, maybe then... fuck it, it didn't matter. It wasn't happening. It was over. I got up and walked to the kitchen. I filled a glass of straight whiskey and threw it back in one shot. It stung going dow
n. I grimaced and filled the glass, throwing the liquid back in a single shot again. The third glass I filled higher and took back to the couch with me.