She nodded tightly. “Then I think I’ll just plan on coming back then. I don’t think I can be in your vicinity.”
“I understand,” I said.
I felt far more shaken up after my encounter with Shannon than I cared to admit. I tried to push it out of my mind after she left, and I went inside to listen to Mr. Geary’s list of complaints, but I was distracted, unsettled. After I left Mr. Geary’s, I had a 20-minute drive to the next patient’s house, and I was glad for the time in the car, nothing but the pavement in front of me, the tall trees rushing by. There weren’t many things that I wished I could have done differently in my life, but that whole thing with Sam was certainly one of them. After the charges were dropped, my mother and I never talked about what had happened either, and as far as I knew, my father didn’t know that she had been involved at all. It was better that way; it was better to let him think this was just something that an overprotective brother had done on his own—and maybe I would have, even if my mother had never brought it up—but I still sometimes wondered how things might’ve worked out if my mother had never come to me that night and suggested I do that.
Chapter Twenty-One
Allie
I could tell that something was bothering Cole, but he didn’t seem to want to talk about it, even when Declan ran off to play with a couple of boys he knew in the sand box. We’d ridden bikes down the bike trail and made a stop at this playground so Declan could get out of the trailer and stretch his legs. Cole and I sat on one of the benches, drinking water and eating an apple. I took my shoes off, pushed my toes through the wood chips, and stretched my calves.
We’d gotten an early start that morning, leaving right after we’d had breakfast, so at first, I just assumed that Cole was still waking up and he’d be in a better mood once we had been riding around for a little while, but that didn’t really seem to be the case at all. He had me ride in front, and though he never got too close behind me or anything, it felt as though I could sense this simmering eagerness in him to just pass me and pedal as
fast as he could, even though he was pulling the trailer with Declan in it.
Since we weren’t riding side by side, it was harder to have a conversation, though it wouldn’t have been impossible. He was mostly giving me one-word answers, though, so I eventually stopped saying anything and just rode my bike, enjoying the scenery. The bike trail wound its way through the woods, and the smell of pine was strong in the air. It wasn’t too humid out, which was nice, and the people that we passed, going in the opposite direction, all smiled and said hello.
That was nice, but I still wasn’t sure what was going on with Cole.
As we sat there next to each other, a running commentary had started up in my head with a litany of possibilities over why he was acting like this. I’d done something to upset him. I was being annoying without realizing it. He just realized he didn’t actually like me that much. I tried to ignore this little voice, but it was proving almost impossible. I also hated the fact that almost all of the possibilities I was coming up with were about me—that I was unaware I was doing something irritating, that I’d done something to make him mad—as though I didn’t have the self-esteem to just accept that maybe he was having a bad day.
“Is everything all right with you?” I finally asked.
He’d been looking off in the distance, not in the direction of the sand box, where Declan was still playing, but toward the field that had a track going around it.
“Yeah,” he said after a few seconds, finally pulling his gaze away to look at me. “Things are fine. Why?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, you’ve just seem a little...off, I guess?” Suddenly, though, I was doubting my previous thought about there being anything wrong. The whole thing was making me feel incredibly flustered, like I couldn’t even trust my own feelings or perceptions of things. Was this what it was like when you liked someone? I didn’t know if I’d be able to handle this.
“I’m sorry about that,” he said, and he gave me a smile, which seemed genuine, and reached over and took my hand. “I’m not trying to come across like that. I’ve just... I’ve got a couple things on my mind, is all. But you’re right—I shouldn’t let that affect my day, especially since I’m spending it with you guys.”
I knew he was saying it to make me feel better, and a part of me did, but another part of me also felt like a nagging, insecure girlfriend.
“If it was anything I did, I’d want you to feel like you could tell me,” I said. The words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them—what I really wanted to do was just move on from this conversation, but I couldn’t seem to stop talking. “You can trust me, you know. I am not someone who can’t take constructive criticism, and I understand that people might want their alone time. I mean, I’ve never even had a boyfriend before, so I definitely get how nice it can be to have your own space and not have to—”
“Allie.” He had a bigger smile on his face now, which turned into laughter. “Sweetie. Can I call you sweetie? Stop. This really has nothing to do with you. And while I appreciate you understanding the importance of autonomy, trust me when I tell you I’d much rather spend my time with you than not.” He leaned toward me. “In fact,” he said in a low voice, “I’m hoping that later tonight we can spend some time together in my bed.”
I felt a warm tingle of happiness spreading across my chest, unspooling in me as he spoke.
“I would like that,” I said. “And there’s no one that I would rather spend my time with right now, either. But if that ever changes—I want you to feel like you can tell me that, and I won’t lose my shit or anything.”
“I will keep that in mind,” he said. “But I can assure you that as of right now—and certainly the foreseeable future—there’s really no one else I would rather be around with, either. I’ll try to snap out of it, okay? I don’t want to ruin anyone’s day.”
“Oh, you’re not!” I said, immediately feeling bad that I had let my own foolish insecurities get in the way. “You know, if there’s something bothering you, you can let it. That didn’t sound right, but... what I mean is, I totally understand if there’s something that’s bothering you and you don’t want to talk about it. I’m not saying that you need to pretend that everything is just fine if you feel like it’s not.”
“I know what you meant. I don’t want to be acting like things aren’t fine though, especially since what’s on my mind doesn’t have anything to do with you, so it shouldn’t affect us.”
I nodded, part of me hoping he’d elaborate and tell me what was going on. He didn’t, though, and I wasn’t going to push it. If he wanted to tell me, he could.
And Cole’s mood did seem to improve as the day went on. It was just a lot of fun to be out and riding around, getting to see new places. The bike path took us through several little towns, each with a bustling Main Street. We sat on the benches outside a general store in one of these towns, eating penny candy from paper lunch sacks. We took a turn off to Soft Shell Pond and went swimming; when we were done, we rode into Gardner and had lunch at a diner.
My leg muscles were pleasantly sore, like they’d gotten a good workout in. And we still had a decent ride ahead of to get back, but I was perfectly happy to do so. Getting to spend the whole day out like this, with Cole and Declan, was more fun than anything else I could’ve been doing.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Cole
It had been almost a week since I’d run into Shannon at Mr. Geary’s, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling I had. There was no way that I was going to mention it to my parents, though, so the only other person I could talk to who would understand the impact of the situation was Ben.