“I thought he would be. I think we’re all going to have a really nice time. We can go out to lunch, maybe see a movie, do a little shopping...”
She kept talking, unable to contain the excitement. Part of me found it a little hard to believe that she really was so excited about it, but she seemed genuine. Was she really just happy for me?
“This is going to be so much fun, just you wait and see,” my mother was saying.
“I’m sure it will be. Okay, well, I’ll text you when we’re leaving on Saturday, okay?”
“I can’t wait!”
I got off the phone and went out to sit on the deck. Dusk was settling, and though I couldn’t quite see into Cole’s backyard, I could hear that he and Declan were out there. I got up and walked over.
“Am I interrupting anything?” I asked.
“Hey, Allie,” Cole said. “Not at all; we’re always happy to see you.”
“Hi, Miss Allie!” Declan yelled. He was halfway up one of the crabapple trees. “Look how high I can climb!”
He worked his way down and dashed over to give me a hug, then ran back over to the tree. Cole and I went and sat on the deck.
“So,” I said, “I was just talking to my mother. And she would like us to come down there this Saturday. We can go to LEGOLAND, and then I’m sure there will be a restaurant she wants to do lunch at, and probably some stores she wants to shop at, and some sights she’ll want to show you.”
“Sounds good,” Cole said. “Hey, Declan!” he yelled. Declan came running over from across the yard. “Want to know what Allie just asked? She wanted to know if we would like to take a trip down to the city on Saturday and visit with her mom and stepdad and go to LEGOLAND.”
Declan’s eyes widened. “LEGOLAND?!” he said. “Really? We can go there?”
“Only if you want to.”
“Yes!” he exclaimed. “Yes, I really want to! They have so many LEGOs there! More than you could even imagine!”
Cole laughed. “Well, I think you have your answer,” he said.
So the countdown to our Boston trip was on. Luckily, the kids kept me busy at work, so I didn’t have to think about it much during the day, but later, when I was at home, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of very intense trepidation. I kept flip-flopping about whether or not I would talk to Bill; if I brought it up, it probably wouldn’t go over that well. He would probably tell me I had no idea what I was talking about.
But then I thought about how much it had affected me over the years, and that if there was even a chance that I might be able to move past it if I confronted him, then I should take it. After all, what was the worst that could happen? He’d deny it and nothing would change. At least I would know that I had tried.
We took Cole’s car, and he easily navigated the busy city streets. Unlike most other cities, streets in Boston were not laid out on a grid, and people who weren’t familiar driving in the city usually got lost, flustered, and ended up taking many wrong turns. But Cole was unbothered by the weird twists, one-ways, and dead-ends, and we got to my mother’s apartment and even found a parking spot within a block.
My mother and Bill lived on Beacon Hill in a brownstone. I had mixed feelings coming back here, but I wanted to put all that to the side and just focus on having a good time. The front door flew open as we were still getting out of the car.
“We’re so glad you guys could make it down!” my mother said. “Come on in!” We followed her into the house and then the foyer. She hugged me first, then hugged Cole, and then actually leaned down and hugged Declan. She did seem genuinely happy. “Are you guys hungry? I put out a few snacks; why you come on in and you can have a quick bite, and we can talk about what we’re going to do today.”
Declan was looking around, taking in all the artwork my mother had hung on the walls, including the marble table in the foyer with a towering orchid growing out of a ceramic pot.
Bill came down the stairs, he and Cole shook hands, and he said hi to Declan. He gave me an awkward half-hug.
“Do you have a minute?” I asked. Cole and Declan were following my mother down the hallway toward the dining room, so it was just Bill and me standing there in the foyer. I hadn’t decided beforehand exactly when I was going to talk to him, but it seemed like it would be better to just get it over with. Otherwise, I’d be thinking about it all day.
“Sure,” he said, a surprised look crossing his face. “Why don’t we go into my study?”
His study was right off of the hallway, so I followed him in there. It was a small room with built-in bookshelves, a leather couch, and his desk in the corner by the window. It felt strange to be in a room alone with him. But the dynamic had changed; I wasn’t a kid anymore, after all. I was an adult, and he was an adult, and he suddenly seemed older to me, more tired than I remembered, and it seemed weird that I had ever thought of him as this menacing person.
He sat on the couch. I remained standing.
“What is it you wanted to talk about?” he asked. “Is everything okay?”
The air was heavy around us, and not just because it was humid out. As I stood there, I remembered that night when I was 15, but I was also remembering some of the good times that we’d had, how before I’d become a teenager, I had been thankful for Bill, glad that I had a father in my life, even if he wasn’t my real dad. I felt this odd juxtaposition of emotions swirling inside of me.
“Things haven’t been okay for a long time,” I said. “For almost 10 years.”