A Kiss for a Kiss (All In 4)

“I would have been there for you,” he says.

He seems stuck on this point, and I get it, because I have always been open and honest with Ryan, just like he’s been open and honest with me. About most things. Apart from how he and Queenie actually met—which I learned from Queenie and the girls on one of our many pre-wedding activity dates. “You had more than enough on your plate, Ryan. Your focus needed to be on the wedding, and putting you in the middle of everything more than you already were wouldn’t have been fair.”

“I would have found a way to make it easier if I’d known, though,” he argues.

“I know, and I love you for it, but that is exactly why I didn’t come to you about it.” I hate that I’ve made him question my loyalty to him, and all I can do is hope that our relationship can heal from this new blow.

I cover his hand with mine. His is more than twice the size. My heart hurts that I’m so torn. I’m scared, elated, and worried, not just about the baby, but about Ryan, too. “I made choices when I was young that had consequences, and one of them was realized when you got married and I couldn’t be the mother of the groom. I didn’t get a mother-son dance. Mom is still a mom to both of us, and we couldn’t undo thirty years just because you knew the truth. Or take that away from her. And that was tough for me, but I didn’t want to make it hard for you, too. So, while I understand that you want me to be able to talk to you like your peer, the difference is that I’ve always been aware that I’m not, even though you weren’t.”

He rubs his temple. “This is kind of a mind fudge.” That he’s back to censoring his language is a good sign.

“It absolutely is. And I don’t expect you to be okay with it today, or tomorrow, or even next week. I understand that it’s going to take time to process this and that you might be angry, or hurt, or both. But please know that Jake and I never meant for this to happen, none of it. I didn’t want to put stress on your relationship with Queenie or my relationship with you.” Realistically, I’m aware that no matter what happens, whether I’m able to carry this baby full term or not, this will irrevocably shift things. I can only hope that Ryan and I can find our way through this and come out the other side stronger. Again.

“Are you and Jake going to be together?” I can’t read him right now to know whether or not that’s something he’s going to be okay with. And regardless, it’s a decision Jake and I will have to make, in time.

“I can’t answer that yet. We understand the layers and complexity of our very interconnected families aren’t simple to navigate.” What Jake and I were to each other before this has changed. We’re not just two adults enjoying each other’s company. Now we’re facing months of uncertainty and an even more complicated relationship. There are so many things to figure out, and all of it seems overwhelming. “What I can tell you is that if there are no complications, Jake and I will work together to make sure this child knows he or she is loved by both parents.”

He flips his hand and closes his fingers around mine, so my hand basically disappears inside his mitt. “Not gonna lie, this is going to make our already weird family that much weirder.”

“I know. I’m sorry about that.” And I am, more than he’ll ever know. “Aside from the whole over forty and pregnant thing, that’s definitely one of the first things I thought about when I found out.”

Ryan’s frown turns into a grimace. “I’m so sorry, Han. I’m being a selfish brat and thinking only about myself. This has to be scary for you. Do you need me to come back to Tennessee with you? What can I do to help?”

I squeeze his hand, aware that Ryan can sometimes course correct and go overboard by doting. “You’ve never been a selfish brat a day in your life. Your reaction is completely understandable, so please, Ryan, don’t beat yourself up for having feelings about this that aren’t easy to deal with. I’m going to see my doctor as soon as I get home. I’ll have to have some tests to make sure the baby and I are healthy, and then we’ll make a plan from there.”

“Is Jake coming back with you then?”

“Once I have an ultrasound scheduled, he’ll come out.” Jake and I clearly have a lot to talk about. We need a clear picture of where we are with this pregnancy before we can have the more difficult discussions.