“I made a mess of my teen years.”
“You had some help making that mess,” I remind her. “I feel like knowing this is going to help frame my actions moving forward. I couldn’t understand at first why you were so opposed to moving to Seattle, but it makes more sense now.”
“I don’t want to commit to uprooting my life and everything I’ve worked so hard for when things are still uncertain,” she replies, her bottom lip slipping through her teeth.
I can see how much stress this conversation puts on her, and I want to reassure her, at least for now, that we don’t need to make those decisions. Eventually, yes, but not yet. For as strong as Hanna is, there’s a fragileness about her, and it’s tied to these pieces of her history. “I understand. Especially knowing how your first pregnancy went, and then miscarrying. Both of those experiences were traumatic. You’re going in with eyes wide open and protecting your heart from more potential damage.”
Her smile is soft and sad. “You know, I don’t think I truly connected all the pieces until right now, but you’re absolutely right. That’s what I’m trying to do, not just with the baby, but with you, too.”
“Can you explain that?” I need to know where we stand.
She nods and looks away, absently fingering the pendant at her throat. The one I gave her. She closes her eyes and blows out a breath. “This is hard.”
“I’m a big boy, Hanna. I can handle whatever it is you need to tell me.”
“I knew we couldn’t keep sleeping together because it had stopped being just about the sex. Which, I have to be honest, is out of this world. You’re so fun.” She glances at me from the side and her tongue peeks out to wet her bottom lip. “And I was worried about seeing you again on Queenie’s birthday because I knew it would be hard not to…relapse, for lack of a better term.” She smiles cheekily for a second before her expression sobers. “I didn’t know how to go back to being friends like we were in the beginning. It was too complicated, and I didn’t want to do that to Ryan.”
“And then you found out you were pregnant,” I supply.
“It changes everything, but it’s no less complicated.” Her eyes lift to the ceiling and she blinks a bunch of times. “I had feelings for you, Jake. I still do, but I’m terrified of what might happen with this baby, and my last experience saw my marriage implode, so my head’s a bit messy over you. And my heart, well, it feels a lot like it’s made of glass right now.”
I stroke her cheek and she leans into the affection. “For the sake of transparency, I have feelings for you and have for a while. A long while, actually. And I gotta be honest, I was pretty disappointed when you ended things, but I wanted to respect your relationship with King. Finding out you were pregnant took me back to what happened with Kimmie. I did a lot wrong with that relationship and made mistakes I don’t want to repeat with you. I put so much focus on Queenie because Kimmie was so reluctant that I think I had a hand in dooming us. Although, I don’t think that relationship would have lasted regardless, but I made Queenie my entire world. It didn’t leave a lot of room for anyone or anything else.”
“As someone who had to step back from the role of mom, I can tell you that it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And while I knew it was right, I don’t think there’s ever been a time that I haven’t wished it had been different,” Hanna says softly.
“The thing I’m most afraid of is the potential for loss. I got over losing my career, and after a while I got over losing Kimmie, but I really don’t want either of those things to happen again.” I drag my fingertips along her collarbone. “I’m aware that the road ahead of us isn’t going to be an easy one, and that we are part of each other’s lives in an inextricable way. But I think we could be good together.”
“I’m scared, Jake,” she whispers.
“Of what?”
“Of falling for you, of what could happen with this baby, of the possibility of getting my heart broken again.” Her throat bobs with a thick swallow before she continues, “But I still want to try to be an us.”
“That’s good. Me, too. On all fronts, but I want this with you.”
“So do I.”
I take her hand in mine and bring it to my lips, kissing her knuckles. “Does this mean we’re dating? Officially?”
“I think it does.” Hanna exhales what sounds a lot like a relieved sigh.
It echoes the weight that’s lifted from my shoulders. “Do I get to call you my girlfriend then?”