I know better than anyone how that feels.
“Okay. Backing off.”
I laugh and he presses his lips to my temple.
The doorbell rings and he gets up to answer it.
Ryan and Queenie appear a minute later, arms laden down with food and flowers. I didn’t really get to talk to Ryan last night, apart from him telling me he was glad I was okay.
Queenie bends down and hugs me gently. “How are you feeling?”
“Better, thanks. Thank you so much for being there for me last night.”
“I’m just glad I could be.” She rises and gives Jake a bright smile. “Dad, can you help me in the kitchen? I brought all the makings for an awesome charcuterie board.”
Jake looks from me to Ryan, who’s hanging back, thumbs tucked into his pockets.
Jake plants a kiss on my cheek and murmurs, “We’ll give you two some time.”
Queenie threads her arm through his and they disappear into the kitchen.
“You gave us quite the scare last night.” Ryan pokes at the chip in his front tooth with his tongue.
“It definitely wasn’t my favorite day.” I pat the cushion beside mine.
He sits down and wraps his arm around my shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Han. I know I haven’t been as supportive as I should, and I feel awful knowing I’ve been causing you stress.”
“You’re not the reason I ended up with gestational hypertension.”
“No, but the way I’ve been acting sure hasn’t been helpful, and I’m sorry for that. I want you to know this has nothing to do with you and Jake being together. Or the fact you’re having a baby. He’s a great guy, and he cares a lot about you, more than I realized maybe.” He takes my hand in his. “You know, it wasn’t even a shock that you two ended up together. I mean, Queenie’s been rooting for it from day one.”
“She has?”
Ryan grins and shakes his head. “Oh yeah. She basically called it from the first time you two met. She said you had the zing. I guess it’s the same way with her and me. You know when you just connect with someone on a deeper level without even trying? You and Jake have that. It makes sense. You have similar histories and understand what it means to have to give something up in order to do what’s best for the people you love. Which is what has been the hardest for me to come to terms with, I think.”
“Because I had to give you up in a way when you were a baby?” This is the conversation we’ve needed to have for a long while, or maybe he needed the time to come to terms with it and figure things out.
“Queenie and I have been talking about it a lot lately. It’s not that I don’t want you to have this, because I do. You deserve to be a mom, and you’re going to be awesome at it. I mean, you basically raised me without me knowing it. And that’s the part that’s been the hardest for me to deal with.” He swallows thickly, taking a moment to compose himself.
“I see it, Han, all the things you gave up for me. Not going away to college, not going out with friends on weekends so we could watch movies together. Always being the one to get me from school, take me to hockey practice. I noticed all of it. Even when I was a teenager, and I figured I was just really lucky to have an older sister who was so involved in my life.”
“I didn’t want to miss any of the big moments.” There were so many times I’d wanted to come out and tell him. But I hadn’t wanted to be selfish.
“I think part of me always knew. There were these little things you’d do. Like you always wrote me notes from the Tooth Fairy. You were there for everything. You taught me how to swim, to skate, you played street hockey with me. And you never got to hold the title you earned. Because you did, earn it, I mean. You were always there, for everything, exactly like a mom.” His expression is pained. “It’s been messing with my head because I’m going to watch you be the mom to this baby that you weren’t able to be for me, not openly. I’ve been really selfish and only thinking about how it affects me, and I’m sorry for that.”
Hearing him say all of this, while painful and difficult, is in a lot of ways exactly what I needed to hear. I think we’ve both been trying to navigate this on our own. And Ryan never wants to cause people pain, emotional or otherwise.
“You don’t have to be sorry, Ryan. I know how tough all of this is. For both of us.” I squeeze his hand. “And it’s okay if sometimes it’s hard for you. I just want you to tell me when it is, so we can deal with it together. I feel all the same things you do. I lost it on Mom hardcore and I’d like to say it was because of the hormones, but that would be a huge load of BS. And you can’t even really get mad at me because I’m pregnant and you’ll feel guilty.”