I searched my mind for what I could’ve done to get her angry. Not even regular Violet angry but this cold anger. It was like she’d shut down.
“Is it because I turned up late for the photoshoot? I’ll never do that again. I’ll get a calendar – and an alarm clock. I can be punctual if I need to be.”
She shook her head.
"Is it because of that chick on stage? You know that meant nothing. It was just putting on a show for the people. Just having a bit of fun.”
Shit, I'd gotten carried away up there on stage. Things started and it got the crowd riled up so I kept it going. It'd meant nothing to me at all. I tried to find the words to explain that, to make it right, but I had nothing. Surely Violet wouldn't get angry with me over something like that. She knew what it was like. It had to be something else.
“It’s not about anything.”
"Seriously, it was nothing at all. I don't play around like that. I dunno what happened in your past, some guys really played you or something, but I'm not that guy. I'll never be that guy. Give me a chance, I'll prove it to you. If I ever hurt you, it'd hurt me even more."
“It’s not that.”
The way her voice sounded, so thin and wavery, made me want to put my arms around her to comfort her but I couldn’t do that. I was the one causing that pain. I couldn’t stand being the one who’d hurt her. If I could find the part of me that had done that, I’d take a knife and cut it out of me.
“It’s because I keep waking you up when you nap, isn’t it?” That was my last-ditch effort. It was the only other thing I could think of.
She turned from me. I just wanted her to meet my eyes, I was wanted to read what was going on inside her, but she wouldn't look.
"You don't get it, do you? It's not about that girl on stage and it's not about anything you've done. It's about me and you. We aren't right for each other."
"Violet," I said, the words coming out like a strangled cry.
She shook her head.
I waited but she refused to look at me so I got the hint and left. All I ever wanted to do was make her happy and, if I couldn’t do that, what was I good for?
I walked out of her office and onto the street. As I walked past the bus shelter, I kicked it hard. The younger me would've found someone in the street and picked a fight with him but I wasn't that person anymore. I didn’t even want to go tearing around town on the bike.
I had nothing. Nothing but a busted dream and my music.
Later that night, the Muff Monkey guy called me again. “Have you thought about our discussion?”
“Like I said, not interested.” But maybe I was.
I’d be an idiot not be tempted. How long could a guy wait for someone without becoming a creepy stalker anyway? Violet said we’d never be anything. I could work forever to change her mind about that or I could put a bit of distance between us. This fill-in job wouldn’t be forever. Dazza had his gig with Alex now and Bill wouldn’t be worried about taking a break.
The idea took root in my brain.
“It’s just an audition, and a chance to meet the band.” The guy sounded serious. “It’s not like we’re asking you sign your life away on the spot. Come and have a chat with us and we’ll take it from there.”
Chapter 29 VIOLET
I CRASHED ONTO THE desk, burying my head in my arms. I wouldn't cry. I refused to cry. I was a tough nut and I could handle this.
Yet...
When Razer had looked at me that way, I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him and tell him I didn't mean it. but then what? That look had torn my heart to pieces, shattered it like a jackhammer, and it only hurt me more that I was the one causing the pain.
The two of us could never, ever get together. If I let him get any closer, I'd end up with no job at all. He was wrong for me. He was all kinds of wrong. I could write an encyclopedia on the wrongs of Razer.
It was so much more than that, though. The feelings I had for Razer were not the right feelings. They weren't the feelings I wanted to have. I wasn't myself when I was with him. I was some smishy, soft girl with a gooey belly. He woke up the dreams I had buried deep within me. All kinds of shit swirled to the surface.
I imagined the two of us together, happy and smiling. A future that stretched on forever.
But, looking at things logically, that future could never exist. He was a rocker and rockers never made for good relationships. They screwed around, they only thought of themselves and they couldn't be depended on.